


Your Hand In Mine

by thedeadflag



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Fluff, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Trans Female Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-04-12 09:03:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 88,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4473353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeadflag/pseuds/thedeadflag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel's been looking forward to New York City all school year as glee worked itself up to a nationals appearance. However, when her trip starts off with a personal disaster and she's roomed with a former tormentor, old secrets find a way of slipping out into the open. AU. Rated M for mature content. Trans!Characters included.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I don't normally toss in disclaimers at the start of fics very often, because author notes are generally something I like tossing in at the end. However, I wanted to make sure that this story's themes were presented clearly and accurately.
> 
> This story will include issues involving gender identity, dysphoria, transmisogyny, and the sort. There is a character who is a trans woman. By this, I don't mean G!P, W!P, "F*ta" (which is an intersexist slur), or any of that (I've seen some fics wrongly conflate trans narratives with fetishistic G!P and f*ta narratives, and I don't want to cause any misrepresentation or confusion). There being such elements in this story does not mean that the whole story will revolve around them, but there will be some focus initially. 
> 
> As a trans woman, most of those moments are somewhat related to my own experiences in some way, and this fic has acted in some sense as a way for me to process those experiences, and to twist parts of them into a wish fulfillment of "what if it'd been better?", so the trans rep here isn't something to be generalized across all trans women's experiences. They're linked to my own, and will include some transmisogyny (external and internalized). But if you find that I'm skipping over some details on trans experiences, let me know and I'll gladly talk to you about it and see what I can do. 
> 
> Since I started writing this, I've done my very best to present this respectfully, and to present a trans woman in a way that I personally haven't seen on ffnet (at least, not yet…I'm sure there are a few similar ones out there, for sure! I haven't read many Unique related fics yet, so I'm sure they're probably out and about, just not easy stuff to find in pezberry and quinntana fics where I tend to work within). I know the narrative is along the lines of a 'traditional' narrative for trans folk in many ways. However, that narrative is almost never written about, and given I write what I want to read, I figured there might be others out there wanting to read something similar. 
> 
> Anywho, I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading and being awesome :D

Jersey City. All year long, Schue had been pumping them with all this hype for New York City, getting them excited for nationals, and even got them onto a plane instead of a grueling bus ride, but their motel was in Jersey City. It was, in Santana's mind, a massive disappointment. She'd hoped for something in Manhattan, or even Brooklyn; she would have taken Queens, or something as far as all the way east in the 'burbs, but having to stay in New Jersey was kind of miserable and unglamorous. There would be no walking from a swanky hotel to some nice shop or diner, as they'd instead gotten a motel in a not-so-swanky area of Jersey; their motel wasn't anything fancy, either. It seemed McKinley didn't have the budget for that, at least for glee club, so they'd been stuffed like sardines into these tiny frozen rooms in pairs, all randomly designated. It was better than all the girls huddled into one single room, but certainly not an incredible step up. Certainly, it was a far cry from the Cheerios usual style of lodgings.

Now, Santana would be the first to admit that ninety percent of the time, she didn't like the other glee clubbers, minus Britt and sometimes Quinn of course, so she had known that she was likely in for trouble from the start, given the odds. That she ended up stuck with Rachel Berry for six and a half days during their inexplicable week long excursion was possibly one of the only things potentially worse than being stowed away in Jersey City.

Not that the diva didn't have her moments; the girl HAD believed in her during sectionals in sophomore year, and Berry was always clutch when arranging group numbers and getting everyone prepped for competition when Schue was too busy macking on the OCD cleaning fairy. Santana had even once admitted to Britt that she had a crush on the diva after hearing her absolutely belt out 'Don't Rain on my Parade', and that hadn't _entirely_ disappeared. It was just old and really dormant, mostly because Berry had gotten a lot more intense in past months, and was pretty much a lifetime ticket-holder on the big ol' Hetero Railroad to PIV City as far as Santana knew, so she'd long written her off.

That, and some of the time she was pretty annoying, mostly within the walls of glee club. She talked too much, was usually too bossy, wore too many animal sweaters and overloaded herself on argyle. On top of that craziness, Berry obsessively longed for the affections of possibly the dumbest, creepiest dudes at school, aside from Jewfro at least. Six days spent with a workaholic, egocentric diva that had a penchant for never shutting up just seemed like something of a nightmare. Adding the ancient dormant-as-an-elder-god crush element just made it more or less disastrous.

Santana had spent most of her evening since they arrived with Britt and Q in the fortunate pair's room, trying her best to avoid spending time with the hobbit, but Schue had come by twenty minutes before, telling them they had to be in their rooms by ten thirty. A deadline that happened to have passed nine minutes ago. Knowing that she'd already probably done enough to piss the man off to ensure she wouldn't ever have a solo again, Santana didn't particularly stress about going back to her room until Britt and Q decided they were tired and went to bed. Which, sadly, didn't take too long. Traitorous hags.

So there she stood with her hand on the doorknob, praying to the lord above and hoping desperately that Berry was asleep in bed already as she swiped herself in. The room was pitch black as she entered, her eyes needing a few moments to adjust as she closed the door behind her; their quarters were pretty small, which helped her realize that despite the hobbit's size likely giving her great opportunities to be stealthy and hide, the girl wasn't in the room with her. It was then that she noticed the bathroom door was closed, though there wasn't any light seeping out from under the closed door. Santana's brow furrowed, knowing that Berry was usually pretty responsible and organized, so there would be no way she'd be rebellious enough to be out late.

"Berry, I swear if you're hiding in here, thinking I'm some serial killer, I just might make that wish come true." Santana noted flatly as she cautiously moved through the small space, checking all the nooks around the fairly undersized beds before edging toward the bathroom door. It was then that she heard faint sobs from the other side, causing her to roll her eyes. _Of course Rachel Barbra Berry is a big enough drama queen to sit in a bathroom, in the dark, crying her eyes out over the misery of being rejected by Finnept yet again, or whatever. I mean…I did see him giving that gassy infant look to Quinn a lot on the plane…he didn't really look at Berry all that much, either…not that I was staring or anything, she was just sitting right in front of me…_ she mused, knocking on the door, hoping Berry would be embarrassed by being caught, and would vacate the bathroom for the comfort of a creaky bed or something.

"Hobbit, open up, I need to use the shower." She spoke in her well-practiced tone of apathy, because if she was honest, it was what helped to keep her from focusing on the confusing situation before her. She'd been very aware that Berry had been pining for the trip to New York for months; years even if you accounted for her childhood dreams, and it just didn't make sense why the girl would be crying in the bathroom at night when she could be sleeping in order to prepare for the next day's outing into the city. The diva and Finn hadn't even been together or anything, so it shouldn't have affected the girl that much. It was weird. And Santana wanted to shower, so she banged her hand on the door, hoping it would freak the other girl out enough to respond. Instead, the sobs just got louder.

Santana tried to open the door, but found it predictably locked. Deciding this was getting ridiculous, she turned to her reasoning skills to help. "Look, Berry, I know Kurt wanted to take you to that breakfast place or whatever tomorrow, so if you don't get your sleeps on, that's not gonna happen. I need you to get out here, so you can cry yourself to sleep in bed or whatever, and so I can shower." She grit out, more than a little impatient and frustrated with the situation. It would be too late to use anyone else's bathroom, at least without getting her likely locked down in Jersey City for the rest of the trip as punishment for breaking curfew.

After a few minutes of knocking and pounding on the door, only to receive wordless responses from the other girl, Santana took matters into her own hands. She wasn't as good as Quinn, but she was kind of handy with a nail file as well. After finding her carry on and pulling out some improvised tools, she returned to the door and made quick work of the lock.

Santana was just opening the door when something relatively heavy seemed to move in front of it. "P…please don't! Just…just please, Santana, don't!" Rachel wailed, actually wailed at her. She'd never heard the girl so distraught and panicked before, and while she still disliked the girl a little bit sometimes, she wasn't about to be a bad teammate. It was obvious that something had Berry fucked up enough to hide away like a little pixie-esque maniac, and she was going to help, because she wasn't entirely heartless. She'd always had a hard time around crying girls, and while she wasn't entirely uncomfortable around them anymore thanks to having been friends with Britt and Quinn for years, she still just didn't like it happening around her. _So I'll fix it…whatever, and then I'll shower…win-win._

Immediately, Santana slid down the door and slowly forced it open enough for her to squeeze her body through. Even in the dark, it was pretty easy to find the toilet, so she walked over to it as nonchalantly as she could and sat down on the lid. She knew that powering her way in and yelling would only freak the girl out more, and was hoping her form of entry and behavior at least kind of had the girl off her guard. To Santana's credit, Rachel hesitated for six whole seconds before pulling her carry-on bag frantically behind her as she scooted back into the corner, wide-eyed and scared.

Santana gave the girl a confused look, not understanding in the least why she had her carry-on in there with her, and why she was so intent on hiding it. After a few seconds of silence, apart from Rachel's choked sobs at least, Santana decided to break the ice. "I know I was pretty broken up about being stuck here in Jersey, but you took it to a whole different level, Berry." She spoke, hoping to ease some tension and maybe get an idea over what the diva's breakdown was about.

"Please…please leave." Rachel's voice was meek; despite the girl desperately trying to put on a brave front, her voice cracked with emotion and vulnerability. It really was an admirable effort, even if it clearly wasn't going to last long.

"Look, I need to shower, alright? So you tell me what I can do to fix whatever messed you up, you pay me back in a way of my choosing sometime this week, and we call it even." She stated, looking intently at Berry to see if she could read her expression well enough in the dark to get a hint. Deciding that was too silly, she reached over and flicked the light-switch on, Rachel wincing and turning away as it illuminated the room.

It only took a second for Rachel to jump up to her feet and reach for the door, but Santana had expected her to bolt, and quickly caught her around the waist, pulling the struggling girl back to the toilet and onto her lap as she sat down. "Now, normally I wouldn't even think about being in a hundred yards of you, hobbit, but something's up. So why don't you just tell Auntie Tana how to make it better, or who to beat up for you." She spoke quietly and as sweetly as she could into the girl's ear, Rachel's struggling melting back into sobs within mere moments.

Not knowing what else to do, Santana just spun the girl around until the diva was facing her, straddling her lap. At least from that position, she could wipe the girl's tears and rub her back; she didn't know Rachel well enough to know what best calmed her down, not like she knew Britt, but she figured some minor affection would help. The diva was already testing her patience and leadership capabilities, but she wasn't about to put up with six and a half days of this. And she didn't really want Rachel to, either. Whatever. "Rachel, you're alright, okay? Let me help. What do you need?"

Berry's first three attempts at speaking just resulted in wordless blubbering and bursts of heart-wrenching sobs that unnerved Santana. She'd only ever seen Britt like this when they witnessed a truck run over a family of ducks on the way home from the park. _Honestly, Berry's kind of freaking me out right now, because I'm pretty sure I'd only be acting like she is if I, like, got cancer or something…_

"Th…they…th…ey lost m…my lugg…ugg…" Berry strangled out before collapsing into sobs again, clutching hard at Santana's jacket. The garbled sentence made sense in that she understood the message, but not the importance. _People lose luggage all the time, so what if she lost that fucking owl sweater or that purple argyle sweater vest? Wait…she's always prepared, so maybe…_

"Berry, I know that losing luggage sucks, they'll probably redirect it here tomorrow. Any prep work you've got for nationals will be there when it gets back, don't sweat it." Santana replied softly, pulling Berry's chin up so she could meet the diva's eyes. "I'll probably regret it, but you can borrow some of my stuff until you get yours back, or get new shit, alright? I'm taller, but I'm pretty sure my dresses will fit you, and most of my tops might be a little loose, but whatever. Just avoid getting pixie dust on them."

Rachel shook her head and quickly tried to detach herself from Santana, only for her to pull the diva back. Berry slipped slightly, though, falling onto Santana's thigh after her attempt at escaping; the ex-cheerleader's grip immediately loosened as a familiar, odd sensation brushed against her skin. Rachel, using the brief confused distraction, wrestled herself out of Santana's grasp and bolted out of the bathroom, Santana following a few steps behind. She wasn't sure what was going on with the hobbit; her mind was hazy with questions, concerns, and generally having been briefly mind-fucked, but she wasn't about to let the girl dash out into Jersey where there were probably fifty serial killers per square mile for all she knew.

She reached Berry at the room's door and more or less suplexed Rachel onto one of the beds, needing to let the diva know she wasn't about to leave quite yet. Tact had never been her strong suit, though, and Santana quickly realized that maybe suplexing the girl set the wrong tone. "I'm not going to let you run off and get murdered, Berry. Just fucking tell me what's going on, alright? Because I'm pretty confused right now, you're pretty upset, and I just want you to not sob for forever, and I want to take a shower and sleep, so let's get this over with. Come on."

Rachel just gaped at her, wide eyed and terrified as she scooted back on the bed against the headboard. With a sigh, Santana knelt at the end of the bed, keeping a healthy distance between them and making sure they were closer to eye level, so she wasn't standing over the girl. It wasn't like the ex-cheerleader was ignorant of her reputation and how feared she was by some of her peers, Rachel included. "I'm not going to fucking murder you, short stack, I just want to talk. I know you're freaked out, but I just want to help you, alright? Preferably soon, so we can get our sleeps on."

"Santana, I…I just get worried wh…when things d…don't go as planned." Rachel stammered out, wiping her still-flowing tears from her face. It was totally the worst bit of acting she'd ever seen the diva give. And Rachel didn't have a super cute crying face or anything like Quinn, so she kind of just wanted to get rid of that ASAP; not a lot of people could manage to look good bawling up a storm, herself included.

It was a mess, and she needed to put a lid on it somehow. Santana knew Berry well enough to know that this could go on for hours, and she really didn't have the energy to be kept awake all night by choked sobs and everything. It fucking sucked, and if Berry ever told anyone about it she'd deny it and mortally wound the diva, but she knew that she'd have to pull out some tricks.

"I don't believe for a second that's why you're upset. How about I tell you one horrendously embarrassing thing about me, and you get whatever it is you're freaked out about out of your damn system… okay, short stack?" Santana asked, earning a hesitant nod and a little more blubbering from the diva. It wasn't a great response, but at least the girl looked like she understood the significance of it all. "Good. Ever since I first started my thing with Britt, she's made me sleep with this stupid stuffed duck whenever she's not there to, like, remind me of her or whatever. And even though we broke it off a while ago, I still do. I have a hard time sleeping without it, which is why this week is going to suck really bad for me. And why I need to get my sleeps on. There, you have some ammunition, you're not powerless or whatever, let's go."

Rachel just sat there, gaping at her for an uncomfortable couple of minutes. Santana really wasn't sure what else to do, since the girl inexplicably wasn't responding to her, so she went over to her luggage and pulled out some clothes for the both of them to sleep in, kind of hating that she'd likely need to find a laundromat to do her stuff in because Berry was dipping into her supply, and since she hated lending clothes out, she sure as hell wasn't about to take them back. Eventually, she found a pair of shorts and a t-shirt for the girl, and tossed them at her, before grabbing her own set and promptly changing, knowing she'd have to shower in the morning. _Maybe it's better that way, with how gross these beds probably are…_

Santana finished changing and returned to her previous position, kneeling by the bed, as Rachel looked sadly at the change of clothes strewn across the bed. "Santana, I…I don't feel comf...fortable changing…I…"

"I get it, I'm into girls, and you're surprisingly freaked out about it. I'll turn around." Santana noted, shrugging before pivoting around on the spot. She was pretty sure Berry wasn't the judgmental type, but perhaps the girl was merely scared of the 'Santana' of it all. The ex-cheerleader knew she happened to strike fear in the hearts of most of the students, after all. After a minute or so of hearing no movement, she turned her head to look over her shoulder, seeing Rachel hadn't even moved.

Sighing from frustration, knowing her night was likely a lost cause, she got to her feet and moved to the side of the other available bed. "Berry…look, I want answers, but you don't have to tell me tonight, okay?" Santana asked quietly, as she slipped under her covers, feeling miserable that she'd be losing sleep over something Berry wouldn't talk about. Even though she usually talked about everything. It was all ridiculously crazy, especially what she might have felt earlier. "Just…you're my friend, alright? You can trust me. If you need anything, just…just ask, okay?"

She was too curious to sleep, and maybe a little wee bit too worried as well, given the circumstances. It was hard enough to fall asleep after having flown so recently, what with her nerves being absolutely fucked with; adding on some drama with Rachel didn't help at all. Thankfully, the bed was small but fairly comfy, and the pillow and sheets were alright, so that was nice; it would have sucked to be kept up, thinking about how god-awful the sheets were at keeping out the AC-equipped room's frigid air, or how squeaky the mattress was, because her mind was firing all cylinders and she desperately needed to get it to calm down a bit. For that, she needed stability, or at least consistency.

Berry's sobs continued, but the diva did eventually shift on the bed enough to change, from what she was able to hear, so that helped. Santana knew the sobs would eventually become white noise as hours passed, and that Rachel would probably cry herself into exhaustion soon enough at that rate; the girl was an energizer bunny at the best of times, but the exhaustion had been written on her face earlier. Whatever it was that the girl was dealing with was apparently pretty serious.

Serious enough, at least, to knock Berry out about an hour and a half later, leaving Santana in blissful silence. At least, apart from the occasional sob, but it was clear the girl was asleep. Which honestly only let her think just a little bit clearer about the situation she was in, but it was good, because she needed to process that shit and get it out of her head before she could catch some Zs. _Let's backtrack…Berry was happy at the airport…she was chipper enough during the flight, too. Talked Mercedes' ear off and probably annoyed everyone on the plane. Seriously, there's no reason to have a one-sided 'discussion' on Bernadette Peters, let alone one that lasted twenty minutes…_ she mused recalling how some other lucky individual across the aisle from her had given Rachel a death glare during the whole thing. That, at least, had been amusing. _So I guess it might have been her luggage after all, because she WAS a bit antsy and everything when she eventually made it to our van._

Still, there was literally no reason to justify bawling oneself to sleep over lost luggage unless there was, like, gold in it. Or jewelry. Or valuable shit like that. Berry's dads had money, but Rachel wasn't really the type to rock out with a bunch of bling, so that wasn't a possibility. _But earlier, in the bathroom, when she fell back on me I swore…I mean, it's probably just my damn imagination, I mean…fuck, what would be the odds? But…I mean…if she WAS, then…then it might make a little more sense. But what the hell would I even DO? I mean…how would I even fix this? I'm probably wrong, but…fuck. People have freaked out worse over less…okay, maybe not WORSE, but still. Christ, I can't even… no, NO._ Santana mentally forced any conjured images out of her head that her imagination managed to create, knowing that she needed to sleep more than picture Berry naked, and that tomorrow would be a long ass day. And that Berry would eventually apologize for ruining her sleep. _I guess I'll just have to wait until the morning to see what I should do…and hell, see if I can figure out what the hell is going on, too._

Thankfully, hours of flight-fueled anxiety and worried thoughts eventually had Santana drifting off into a restless sleep, Rachel's occasional soft sobs echoing through her mind all the while.

* * *

Rachel barely slept a wink; she'd been on edge, to put it very lightly, ever since the attendants at the airport informed her that her luggage was accidentally sent to Miami, which may as well have been a world away, knowing how long it took to reclaim 'lost' luggage between airports. For most people, it would be a frustrating ordeal, but nothing incredibly horrible; for Rachel, it was like being abandoned on a desert isle filled with deadly aliens with ray guns, scalpels and a cultural hobby of dissecting things. Feeling vulnerable wasn't uncommon for Rachel, she felt that way most days; being vulnerable, however, was a much rarer occasion.

She'd packed everything she needed for her trip in her luggage, only taking snack food, her iPod and dock, her sheet music and note books, as well as her medical necessities in her carry-on. Everything she relied on to make it through the rest of the day unscathed was gone or had unceremoniously tore on the ride to the hotel, somehow coming into contact with a sharp edge of a spring sticking out of the seat which had also drawn blood, though that was of a lesser concern at the moment. Ultimately, she'd lost part of what kept her safe and secure, and she had to endure at least six more days without any of it, most likely, all while staying with one of the girls who had made her life hell throughout high school. It wasn't fair, and even though Santana had seemed to have mellowed a bit the previous night, and was somewhat suspiciously nice, Rachel couldn't trust her. She couldn't trust anyone.

So she woke just before six the next morning, thankfully an uneventful process, and quickly made her way to the bathroom, knowing Kurt would be knocking on her door in about an hour. Never had such a span of time seemed so oppressively brief. Especially when Rachel knew she had a little less than that to figure out what she was going to do, but she honestly couldn't think of any solutions. The drawers and cupboards in the bathroom were all empty aside from the sample shampoo, conditioner and soap, which did her no good, and she'd rummaged through her carry-on last night for an hour. _Though, maybe I missed something in my frantic state…_ she thought, diving back into her thoroughly searched luggage once more.

There needed to be something or she was doomed. Kurt wouldn't take no for an answer, not after they'd planned out their morning months ago, and the plans required a lot of transit. Transit that would likely be packed with people, and even in a city that cherished anonymity like New York City did, there were enough people so that the odds would shift toward someone noticing. As her hands sought out some mystical article of clothing or device, she could tearfully imagine being cornered on a busy subway, being outed in front of dozens, her Broadway dreams shattering before she'd even have a chance to take the stage. Eliminated by default.

Rachel let out a frustrated cry as she began to dig through her carry-on yet again, looking again for anything that she could use to fix her problem, knowing there was nothing. Her inventory list proved as much, but all she had was hope, and she couldn't give that away. Not yet. As she was inspecting her headphones as a possible option, Santana barged in and sauntered over to the sink, inelegantly rinsing her mouth out with tap water.

Rachel sat there on the ground, frozen, unable to make her body move, hoping Santana would just ignore her rummaging as the girl cleaned off the previous day's makeup. "I'm taking the shower for the next fifteen, is that alright?" Santana asked, not even sparing her a glance, though she sounded a little stiff. That noted, Rachel had rarely seen the girl in the early morning hours before, so it could have been a common behaviour for all she knew. Santana didn't even give her a chance to answer before she swiftly stripped, turned on the water, and stepped into the shower with a bunch of bottles and a loofah. It was hardly the reaction she'd been expecting from the ex-cheerleader, but Rachel was willing to take it if it meant she'd still have unmolested time to figure out what to do about her clothing issue.

She let out a watery sigh as she realized her headphone wires were much too short to be useful in the least. Rachel angrily tossed them back into her bag and kept searching, praying that something would work in her favour, that some perfect idea would form in her mind about how to keep herself from being involved in something of a spectacle. She'd endured enough trials already, losing her goals and dreams while at the gates of her future home wasn't anything she wanted to consider. It had been a long time since she dragged those skeletons out of her closet.

* * *

Santana stepped out of the shower to find the bathroom otherwise empty, though the noise from the main room indicated that Rachel was out there, probably going through her luggage as she took time to dry herself off. In all honestly, she'd barely caught a glimpse of the girl when she'd entered earlier, but she had briefly noticed something peculiar about the way her shorts fit Rachel, and had needed some time to think on it. Thus, the long shower; it seriously was NOT the time to fuck things up, and she knew that she had a tendency to go off the rails and speak without thinking. Which, honestly, could be dangerous.

It was pretty easy to accept that it wouldn't do any good to freak out, and she had to keep thinking back, remembering her father's words in order to regain any semblance of mental stability over what was going on. For the better part of two years, she'd thought of those words whenever she saw the diva, being mindful to try and use more height-oriented insults instead, almost always being successful. So really, it wasn't exactly a new sort of thought process, but things had changed now. The context was just different, was all, and for the first time in years, she felt a conditionally overwhelming amount of sympathy for the girl, at least if what she was thinking was the truth. Santana knew she couldn't be a hundred percent certain with what little she'd seen and felt, but knew that Rachel was very likely dealing with something pretty serious, and she'd watched enough videos online to have a good idea of what was troubling the girl.

She knew the diva had a morning breakfast date with Lady-Face from how Berry had gone on and on about it during their flight, and was clearly freaking out about it in the main area. So Santana decided to take some initiative; she towel-dried herself enough to not be soaking wet, put on the slippers she'd packed, and walked out of the bathroom. Rachel was surprisingly kneeling over a pile of objects, not even having touched Santana's luggage at all; for that, she gave the girl credit, but it was also kind of stupid and a sign that the diva didn't trust her. Which made sense, but she needed to earn Berry's trust if her suspicions were true. Santana quickly moved past the diva and opened up her own untouched luggage.

"When's Kurt coming by?" Santana asked quickly, as she dug through the folded piles of clothing, knowing she probably had enough to help in there. At least, enough to give the diva a stop-gap option for the rest of the day.

"Forty minutes or so." Rachel noted determinedly, though it was clear she was nervous and one step away from having a panic attack by the sound of her laboured breathing.

Santana pulled out the items she was looking for, shaking her head in disbelief that she'd found herself in such a crazy situation, before grabbing a purple off-shoulder top and her backup black pencil skirt she kept in case of spilled-beverage-related emergencies. She grabbed one of her necklaces too to complete the look, knowing it'd need something to help tie it together. It wasn't the most fashionable outfit, it didn't really go together perfectly given Rachel's skin tone, and would probably make Rachel look like some promiscuous office worker, but it worked well enough to be passable. And honestly, it was light years better than any outfit Berry had ever worn outside of glee performances. Except maybe that black dress in sophomore year. _Definitely that dress in sophomore year…_

Quickly, she got up and sat on the end of the bed closest to the diva. Santana knew she'd be taking a risk, but she felt that so long as neither freaked out immediately, things would probably be fine. Hopefully. Maybe.

"You need to do your morning ritual or Kurt's going to think something's up, Berry. So put these on quickly and get to work. Use my products in the bathroom if you need them. I'll buy you some time if he gets here early." Santana said softly, offering the small pile of clothes to Berry, who was giving her a bemused look in return, her eyes darting between the ex-cheerleader and the clothes as she flipped through the stack. "No questions, alright? Just go. We'll talk later, short stack."

Rachel nodded quickly and promptly tossed her carry-on items back into the bag before disappearing into the washroom with the offered clothing. Santana sat on the edge of the bed, hearing Rachel at work, scurrying about in the other room; her memory was trying its best to piece together the puzzle she felt she had mostly figured out, trying for confirmation on what she'd felt the previous night, what she'd caught a glimpse of earlier. The fact that Rachel accepted her offering and vanished into the washroom was about as good of a non-verbal confirmation as she figured she'd get, but she wouldn't know the specifics until later.

Honestly, Santana kind of wanted to feel how she usually did, that comfortable manipulative excitement she'd usually get when she found herself in a position of power. It was safe, familiar, and it would have been so much easier. Instead, she just felt a mixture of guilt and anxiety over it all, mixed with a little relief that it was her who had stumbled upon the situation instead of Quinn or pretty much anyone else in glee. Not that she thought she was the nicest person to deal with or anything, because she was still the alpha bitch of their crew, but Santana figured she'd probably have a better understanding than the others would, even Kurt. As Santana watched Rachel burst out of the bathroom looking positively relieved, if a bit shaky still, she allowed herself a small smile and waved the diva off as the brunette went to meet Kurt early.

_Fuck, this is gonna be a hell of a day…_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: ***Content Warning for transphobic language***

Breakfast at Tiffany's had been an absolute blast, eating a breakfast bagel outside the famous store, but Kurt had really outdone himself when he somehow managed to weasel them into the George Gershwin Theatre. She'd never felt so rebellious in her life, and she was terribly relieved that the security guard that had caught them gave them a few minutes to sing their hearts out on the stage. It truly helped solidify the reason why she was in New York, why it had been part of her dream, and why it had to be her sole focus going forward. Her adolescent spell of desperate loneliness could take a backseat if it meant she'd be able to make it, achieve her dreams. All she needed was to get through a few more months and her winter break would be upon her, giving her just enough time to get done what she needed to, so that she'd be able to solidify her chances at Broadway. Well, NYADA first, then Broadway.

The only wrinkle in her plans was Santana Lopez. Santana, who had been amongst the first to slushie her within the halls of McKinley. Santana, who had a favored pastime of glaring and staring her down as well as heaping a wealth of insults upon her, often about her height or ethnicity. Santana, who contributed to the destruction of her and Finn's relationship earlier that year, who had taken Finn's virginity. Santana, who tried to kill her in a rage after taking the helm of the club when Mister Schuester fell ill. Santana, who tended to enjoy scheming and revealing everyone's weaknesses and secrets.

Yet, her potentially former tormenter had been oddly nice and helpful that morning, making good on the previous night's promise by lending her clothes. The outfit had been surprisingly nice, and had made her feel slightly more like an adult as she strutted around Manhattan with Kurt. However, it was the specific assortment of clothes she was given that made her insanely nervous about her long-held secret getting out.

With even the most insignificant posting of information online, Santana could ruin her future career prospects in the blink of an eye. Nothing added to the internet would be entirely forgotten, and the last thing she wanted was for some future journalist to have ammo against her down the line, or for casting directors to find a reason to reject her. That was what had Rachel shaking as she approached the hotel door early that evening, having spent much of the day strolling around the city with Kurt, trying to delay the inevitable and keep her mind off certain parts of reality, compartmentalizing her troubles in a 'to deal with later' box.

If Rachel were to be honest, her secret wasn't all she'd been worrying about; additionally, the notion of being vulnerable around Santana wasn't anything to shrug off either, considering the girl's tendency to pick people apart by their weaknesses. She could imagine that being confident and secure with herself around the former cheerleader would yield much different results than being on the verge of a breakdown, given how easy of a target she would be in the latter situation. But if Rachel were to be honest, she knew she would be an absolute wreck.

It was almost too much to even think of what the girl would 'talk' to her about, and what kind of reward Santana would want in exchange for the luxury of only being blackmailed instead of outed publicly. It seemed somewhat plausible that the ex-cheerleader would 'help' her throughout the week in exchange for something; Rachel knew that Santana was most certainly the type to scheme and plot. That Quinn and Finn had gotten mono from her was proof enough of that. However, it was questionable as to what Santana would want from her.

Truly, she'd never had much to offer, at least in ways that girls like Santana would find appealing. The former cheerleader didn't truly need vocal lessons, because despite the girl's technical flaws, her tone and control were always good enough to meet any standard outside of the Broadway stage. In a studio, her vocals would have whatever minor corrections made, and that would be that; Santana had a voice for radio, for jazz lounges, and for concert venues covering most genres of music. So Rachel couldn't help her there. Additionally, Santana was a great dancer as well; again, perhaps not the best dancer, technically, but the girl had this innate sense of rhythm and fluidity, even grace. There would be nothing to offer her there. Fashion advice was entirely out of the question, and as far as she was aware, Santana was doing well in school. So tutoring wasn't likely, especially so late in the year. And Santana hadn't expressed further interest in a solo, so slotting her in during the showcase wasn't a realistic possibility.

 _So really, what could she possibly want from me?_ Rachel mused, her hand hovering over the door handle, too nervous to open it and greet the girl who was likely on the other side of it. There really wasn't much else. Money? Her fathers had some, but Santana's family was well off, enough to afford the girl's taste in fashion at least. So there likely wouldn't be a financial request. But there was one option that she simply couldn't rule out: sex.

Not that she thought she was some incredibly desirable individual, at least from Santana's perspective. However, Rachel was aware of how people like her were often seen, and how many people's first exposure to those like her was through Jerry Springer or porn. Santana had a reputation for being sexually adventurous, and while she was only aware of the girl having romantic feelings for other girls, namely Brittany, Rachel knew that Santana had engaged in sexual activity with men before. _So maybe she'd want to see what having 'the best of both worlds', as some say, would feel like. Like some freakish amusement park ride to sate her curiosity…another achievement for her to brag about, taking a …a 'tranny''s virginity, as she'd probably say…_ Rachel thought, her knuckles whitening from clenching the handle tightly as a wave of nausea swept through her, nearly buckling her knees. Without a gag reflex, it was always hard to tell when she was about to vomit, but over the years she'd learned a few telltale signs. _I can't imagine that going well…I know Ms. Pillsbury said it would come in handy, but it's honestly been a burden…I don't think I could hold it back if Santana and I had…well. I mean, I'd have to, but…physically, I don't think I could manage. But I'd HAVE to if that was the cost for… if…if it comes down to Broadway or failing, I'd let her… take me. And…and if so, God I hope she's not a chaser and it would just be a one time thing…if there's any mercy in this world, she won't be a chaser…but…but how did she find out so quickly, then? So easily? I…_

Rachel wiped the tears from her face as she tried to compose herself and just lock away that train of thought. Sex was scary. Sex would be tackled only when or if absolutely necessary. It was late afternoon, and there were still plenty of hours left in the day to be productive, so she'd calm down, focus, grit through whatever confrontation was necessary, and keep her mind glued to nationals prep. There was no need to think about anything that could be coerced from her quite yet.

It had been twenty two minutes since Kurt had gone into his room, leaving her there at her own door. _I'm not foolish for being nervous about entering…Santana's never cared for my well-being, and has on more than one occasion called me horrible names and torn down my appearance and sabotaged my relationships. I…I can't trust her…she said she wanted to talk later, and here I am, so…wait…I HAVE been gone all morning and all afternoon. Oh Barbra, I've been gone ALL DAY, maybe she wanted to talk earlier? What if I'm too late? Has she told anyone else? The whole club probably knows! I…oh dear, I think I'll just…I'll just get this over with and hide in my bed until the competition. Maybe call my fathers to see if they could come and get me, or book a flight back. Maybe it's for the best…_

Rachel slowly entered the room, keeping one eye cracked open as she moved inside, only to find it surprisingly empty. Cautiously, she crept through the confines of their temporary quarters, not finding Santana anywhere; thankful for the temporary reprieve, she slipped into bed and pulled out her notebook and sheet music, deciding to get some work done and get her head off everything else. Music always calmed her, pushed her pain and fear into tiny little compartments in the back of her mind, and she needed that at the moment. They were using original songs for Nationals, and while she had wanted to perform 'Get it Right' again, feeling it was the strongest original number they had, she'd been voted down by the dictator that was William Schuester. _Of course, he'd told me we'd use it if we made the top ten showcase, but still…I don't see why we couldn't use it in the preliminary round, especially with neither of our new original songs inspiring much confidence. I swear, he's trying to sabotage me…_

So she worked meticulously on the song Finn had written, knowing it needed a lot of adjustments to be competition-ready. The spelling errors alone made her confused as to how the boy had wanted the song to be sung, given the lack of provided sheet music. More or less, it needed to be entirely re-done, which was annoying, since she knew that no matter what she did to improve the song, her teacher would likely credit Finn. Rachel DID think that the boy needed to feel confident in order to be a strong leading man, but she wanted acclaim as well, especially if she was about to tackle the mountain of a mess that was Finn's 'song'.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been tweaking both Finn's piece and the group number when Santana strolled in carrying an intimidating amount of shopping bags from what looked to be a variety of stores. Rachel lifted her head and kept her gaze on the girl as the ex-cheerleader gracefully dropped the bags off in the corner of the room and promptly made her way to the bathroom. Rachel was thankful that Santana didn't immediately question her, allowing her some time to recover from the shock and try to get to a place where she was mentally and emotionally as calm as possible. Which was difficult, given the circumstances. Rachel had never been patient when it came to surprises that she knew were coming, and she wanted to get it all over with, but also just didn't want it to happen at all. Bad surprises weren't her favourite things to deal with.

Santana emerged a few stressful minutes later and sat herself on the side of the other bed, facing Rachel, pulling her smart phone out of her pocket and fiddling with it idly. It was an odd and unexpected way to kick things off given how confrontational Santana usually was, and only had Rachel more on edge, waiting for the attack, the punch line, the cost of maintaining her agency. "I see my clothes didn't offend Porcelain's sensitive couture fashion sense enough to make him give you another makeover, Berry. You have fun?" Santana asked flippantly, her focus entirely on her phone. Rachel found it slightly rude, but relieving, knowing the other girl's intense predatory gaze wouldn't be dragging the details out of her from fear. At the very least, it could help her focus a little better, and she'd need as much of it as possible to maintain her composure.

"It…it was a pleasant day. Breakfast was everything I thought it would be. Kurt even…managed to sneak me onto a Broadway stage. We sang, as you can probably imagine…and it was wonderful." She noted quietly, not wanting to delve too much into her day's events, hoping Santana was just asking to be polite, before ignoring her for the rest of the evening. That would be splendid. After all, why else would the girl engage in small talk? Santana had never done so in the past before tearing Rachel or others down.

Santana chuckled at her response, something she admittedly expected to some degree, knowing the cheerleader found a great many things amusing. "Didn't think Lady-Face had…had it in him." The girl responded, the initial statement cut off midway before Santana seemingly changed her mind on how to answer. The brief hesitation only made Rachel more nervous, because she knew what Santana's reflexive response would have been, what it always was. And just like that, the tone shifted, and she knew the conversation was starting its downward descent. "I…um, got you some things. You can pay me back some other time or whatever. Just…you don't need to worry around me, alright?"

Rachel's eyes widened as Santana's brow furrowed, the girl still staring at her phone; it was clearly just something of a visual distraction for her, as she hadn't interacted with it in a minute, and the screen's backlight had gone off by the lack of added illumination to her face. Rachel's gaze flickered over to the shopping bags stashed in the corner of the room before darting back to the other girl, immediately bewildered and suspicious. _Santana…Santana got me things? What things? And why wouldn't I worry around her? What payment does she want? She's being much, much too vague for my comfort…_

"I don't understand what you're…" Rachel started, only for Santana's newly lifted intense gaze to still the words in her throat. Those eyes were so dark, and held so much depth that it was always hard to look away or even think clearly.

"Look, Berry, I know you're freaking out and I probably terrify the ever-living Barbra-loving shit out of you, and I probably don't understand even ten percent of what you've got going on, but I'm not gonna tell, alright? Just…" Santana interrupted, freezing Rachel to the spot on her bed. She really wanted to look away from Santana, she wanted to escape the room, escape her situation. She wanted to believe her, but she couldn't. She wanted them to be on the plane home, celebrating a nationals win and for everything to just be okay, like normal. But it wasn't, and it wouldn't be.

Santana ran a hand through her hair slowly and sighed, her eyes cast upward to the ceiling. "It's just I can't help you if I don't know what's going on, alright? And I have an idea, but if you can confirm it for me, we can figure out where to go from there, okay?"

Rachel felt her body tense with anticipation; her doctors knew, her dads knew, but she'd done so well to keep her secret hidden through her life. She was a meticulous, detail oriented person for a reason. There had been the odd hiccup, which led to rumours, but none had truly believed them, thankfully. Of course, the ensuing rumours had hurt tremendously, and she'd cried herself to sleep many nights because of them, but it had always been better than people truly knowing. And now she was being faced with that reality, and it hurt. More than that, it was terrifying. And Santana wanted confirmation from her, she wanted Rachel to speak it out loud. _Is she recording this? Is she wearing a wire? Should I ask to give her a pat down? But…no, that would be inappropriate, and it could send the wrong signals, and…oh dear. Maybe…maybe I play at being a little evasive, vague…I need to protect myself!_

"Fine, Santana. Tell me what's on your mind." Rachel spoke firmly as she could manage, challenging the other girl to put words to her thoughts. Rachel certainly didn't feel comfortable enough to, let alone safe enough to.

She watched Santana put her phone on the small night table between their beds, the girl's hands playing with each other nervously, as if there were any reason for the ex-cheerleader to worry. Rachel immediately grabbed the phone and powered it down, before replacing it on the table, Santana not really seeming to care. _I guess she's probably not recording it, then…hrm…_

"Your…body isn't how you think it should be. Like, maybe you feel trapped in it and shit? Fuck, I'm probably going to say something shitty, but some of the names we called you…they probably…I guess they might have hit really close to home, even if they were mean and wrong and everything." Santana stated vaguely, and Rachel didn't like how the girl was drawing it out, dancing around the truth when it was fairly clear she knew. Santana knew, and she couldn't speak about it. It was strange, knowing someone else knew something so personal, and Rachel's reaction wasn't fear in that moment, which had viscerally come and gone rather quickly across the previous minute, but anger.

Anger, because it was just another example of how she wasn't normal, how she wasn't 'right' according to society, and how she was unspeakable. That a single part of her entire person rendered herself so unspeakable and unknowable that the girl with the sharpest wit she'd ever met had run out of words to describe her, or even talk to her without sounding like Finn Hudson on an average day. That her fathers even often had difficulty, and none of her teachers had ever felt the need to speak of people like her through health classes or sex education. For all intents and purposes, she was unspeakable, some mythical socio-physical monster living in the world of _people_. And now that one of them knew about her, she wasn't treated like a person anymore. That one of her least trusted people knew about her, instead of her small group of friendly acquaintances. It was angering. No, it was infuriating!

"This is my body. I'm not 'trapped' in it, or whatever you seem to be insinuating. I know I'm of small stature, Santana. I'm dealing with it." Rachel grit out in as warning of a tone as she could muster, unable to say the words Santana wanted her to say, needing the other girl to acknowledge her enough to address her normally. If nothing else, she wasn't about to let Santana leave without acknowledging her existence in some form. She needed that, now that Santana knew.

Santana glared at her for about half a second before letting out a frustrated growl, the girl's hands kneading the sheets she was sitting on."Shut up, Rachel, okay? Fuck, I'm trying here…alright? What I felt, what I saw…I only know two possibilities, and you've either got an intersex thing going on or, more likely, you're trans." Santana said, clearly frustrated with her, but Rachel had little sympathy. It was Santana's idea to talk and address things, and she wanted the other girl to feel just as uncomfortable as she did.

Even if the way Santana was looking at her made her a teensy bit afraid, because people back home didn't usually know the names given for people like her, and especially intersex folk. So, feeling a slight burst of fear and cowardice over the situation, Rachel went to speak in hopes of casting doubt, only for Santana to suddenly launch forward and press a soft finger to her nose, prompting her to squeal loudly and fall backward on the bed in surprise, her body scrambling to the other side of the bed in a blind panic.

Her wide eyes promptly shot to Santana's immediately apologetic ones, and for the first time in a long time, she didn't feel threatened with Santana so close. Even though Santana was basically standing over her, and had her in a distinctly vulnerable situation, she didn't feel like she was in danger anymore. _Of course, I don't feel safe, either…but that look of regret was so raw…she'd have to be a great actress to fake it, and I know she's not THAT good._ She mused to herself, watching the deflated looking girl staring sadly at her.

"Don't. I'm not stupid like Finn or Puck, alright? The average teen girl doesn't keep anti-androgen and estrogen pills in their carry-on bag. The average girl doesn't freak out looking for something to tuck with because they kept that crap in their lost luggage." Santana continued, taking residence on the bed, sitting much closer to her again. Rachel watched the ex-cheerleader warily as she quickly processed what was spoken, but the girl made no sudden movements to efforts to touch her. Yet.

Honestly, Rachel didn't know if her eyes could grow wider, but they felt like they were about to burst out of their sockets. Sure, she knew some of her items and medication were slightly suspicious if someone looked close enough, but that Santana seemed to have a thorough grasp on her situation was sort of mind-blowing, and she needed time to figure out how to process the information. That the ex-cheerleader had searched her carry-on barely crossed her mind. "How…how did you know? Are you some kind of chaser? What do you want from me?" she asked breathlessly, not even bothering to deny what was spoken. There was little point if the ex-cheerleader knew her situation that well.

She felt Santana shift over directly beside her, thankfully ensuring that the girl wasn't facing her directly. "I'm not a chaser. I…look, you'll have to take my word on that, okay? I'm not. And I don't really want anything from you, except some money to pay for what I bought, because that stuff kind of dipped into my 'get an awesome designer dress' fund for this trip." The girl noted quietly, resting up against the headboard. Now, Rachel wasn't a fool, she'd seen discussions online about chasers, and wasn't just about to take anyone's word for it. That would be silly. And her suspicions only solidified in knowing that Santana was only asking for minor financial reimbursement. However, Rachel didn't think the girl would jump her right then and there, so she felt safe for the moment, if entirely perplexed about the direction the conversation had taken. It simply didn't meet her expectations at all.

"As for how I knew? Funny story. See…in freshman year I got this really awesome phone plan for my birthday. I was always so excited to get home and talk to my friends…mostly B and Q. When Quinn started targeting you, I didn't really get it, but she was the head cheerleader in her freshman year, Sue's prodigy, so I kind of went along with it. You were a little annoying sometimes, and you dressed weird, and the nicknames Quinn used kind of stuck throughout the school, so…yeah." Santana explained, each word coming out with a shred of hesitance, or perhaps the girl was just distracted. Taking a deep breath, the former cheerleader's hand gently clasped around Rachel's knee, just resting there as if it was supposed to be comforting or reassuring. It was neither, but it wasn't entirely offending her either, so she decided to ignore it for the time being. "Anyway, I was talking to Quinn around winter break, and you came up…she said some joke I can't really remember, but I laughed and I got caught up into it."

Rachel's heart sunk, thinking that the girls who made her life hell in school also spent their free time belittling her in private. She'd always hoped that it had been just a school hierarchy thing, done for reputation and nothing more. Impersonal. A politics issue. It was distressing to know that it went deeper than that, and it was hard to look in Santana's direction knowing that.

"When I finished the conversation, my dad called me into the kitchen. It was a little after school ended so I thought dinner was ready, and I was hungry, so I kind of dismissed how mad he'd sounded. See, Tuesdays were the days he'd usually come home pretty mad or sad, and I'd gotten used to that, I guess. But when I got into the kitchen, there wasn't any food. Instead, he sat me down. He was really angry." Santana continued, her voice quieter, softer as she seemed to be reliving the memory, staring off into space as she was. Now, Rachel had seen Santana cry before on a number of occasions. The girl wasn't exactly as emotional as a rock, but normally she was in control of her emotions. Yet, the girl sitting beside her was clearly getting upset the longer she spoke, and it was strange to see such vulnerability evident across her face and posture.

Santana took a moment to dab at her eyes with her fingertips, further messing up the already slightly smudged makeup surrounding them. "Just…look. My dad's an endocrinologist…he helps people with thyroid stuff, fertility, hormone levels, blood-work stuff. He goes to Columbus on Tuesdays and helps people who were having troubles having babies, and who wanted IVF and everything. At least, that's what I was knew at first, but…I guess after a while he also started seeing people like you."

Rachel felt herself nodding as a haze fell across her mind, recalling there were two 'specialist' endocrinologists in Columbus; she and her parents had chosen Dr. Weatherall because he had office hours twice a week, meaning wait times would be shorter if she had to reschedule. Even if his dosage levels were vastly lower than she would have liked, her fathers trusted him with that despite her concerns, and she at least liked knowing that if she had to reschedule, she could do it easily with her own busy schedule in mind. In truth, Rachel HAD heard of Dr. Lopez, she just hadn't linked it to Santana before. There were, after all, many Lopez families in Ohio, or at least enough to not even think to assume. It was a coincidence that left Rachel feeling slightly nauseous. She was barely able to focus enough to hear Santana continue.

"So he started talking to me about the insults I was throwing out, and HOW they could hurt people, especially one that was a maybe a little more vulnerable. I was only a freshman, so I was an immature shit, and I understood it about as much as I understood AP Calculus at the time, but when he showed me some of the statistics, got me to watch some youtube videos…it freaked me out. I kept telling myself that it was just a joke, you know? That it was just a lame insult…that it wasn't true, so you couldn't really take it THAT badly, but…he told me that 'dehumanizing a group of people' was wrong no matter what…and using that as a way to hurt someone else…God, he was so ASHAMED of me." Santana said softly as she sniffled, her voice cracking at that last sentence as tears streaked down her cheeks. Rachel knew shame. She could empathize. Shame had once been her foremost motivator; it was still lingering in her mind at times, but she'd grown enough as a person to be able to push it aside and stand tall on better, more positive qualities.

Rachel just listened intently for more, wishing Santana's father was there so she could thank him for sticking up for her. Perhaps she'd offer him a hug for good measure. She knew her own fathers meant well, but on the two occasions where the topic of trans people came up during social events, they'd deflected and tried to change the topic instead of standing up for her and others like her. Rachel didn't need them to out her, she just wanted them to be more vocally supportive of that final letter in LGBT, even if they were wonderful in every other area. They were understandably paranoid of anyone finding out, but she needed support out in the open, not just behind closed doors. Rachel had always been a proponent of education, knowing that with more exposure, there would be more acceptance, and it would build momentum. As hard as it was to believe, and she hadn't ruled out that the former cheerleader was possibly an amazing liar, Santana very well could be proof enough that education and a little tough love worked. Still, she was suspicious, because from what she could tell, Santana wasn't accepting because it was right, but because of her father. The last thing she wanted to be was some trophy for the cheerleader to wield in order to make her father proud.

"And I didn't get it at first, but he's my dad…he's my hero, so I tried to understand. I tried really, really hard for him because I know I'm a BITCH… but I'm not EVIL, he didn't raise me like that. And whenever Britt was dating Artie or whoever else, I'd have a lot of free time, you know? So I looked shit up on my laptop, I subscribed to some people on youtube and tumblr, and I read stuff regularly enough. And look, I'm a lesbian, alright? I know you figured that out when I sang 'Landslide', and I know you didn't tell anyone outside of bringing up that Sapphic shit, so I have your back, okay?" Santana finished, breathing out and slumping forward as if she were some deflating balloon. Admittedly, it was the most she'd ever heard Santana speak in one sitting, so the girl very well could be having some sort of lung failure. More likely, though, the girl was a little exhausted by it, and Rachel could respect that to a degree. Santana had initiated the conversation, and that it hadn't been easy for her was a good thing. Good, honest discussions were rarely easy, in her experience.

And Rachel understood what Santana was saying, but she still had a difficult time fully believing her. Trusting her word was even more difficult. Santana had always picked apart people's weaknesses, it was what the girl did as a hobby; to hear she wouldn't be a target of that was a bit unbelievable, literally. It all felt like she was walking right into some trap, and it just seemed ridiculous that after all this time, Santana Lopez would be offering an olive branch, right when Rachel was at her most vulnerable.

And honestly, not having been able to tuck properly all day had caused her dysphoria to escalate, and hearing about Santana 'researching' people like her only added to her anxious, sardonic defensiveness. Santana was supposed to be insulting her, mocking her, threatening her; those actions and qualities were known factors, and it was both too suspicious that she wasn't, and too sensitive that she had been researched like some freaking National Geographic special. And if the girl was this apparently nicer person, why all the previous bullying? Why be kind now? Her father that she seemingly idolized so much had reamed her out in freshman year, so why all the hurtful words since? It left Rachel with a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of anxiety, fear and anger, and had her thinking the other shoe was about to drop. Needless to say, it probably wasn't her proudest moment.

"Why would you? Tell me why you'd have my back, why you wouldn't tell!" She yelled, clearly catching the girl off guard, seeing as Santana actually recoiled. For probably the first time in all of her interactions with the former cheerleader, Santana recoiled from her words, all wide-eyed and stunned. It was an oddly pleasant feeling that left a bitter, shameful taste in her mouth. Yet, seconds passed without an answer, which only infuriated her enough to ignore that and press on. "Why not, huh? WHY NOT, Santana!? It'd be the _truth_ , right?! Why not tell them that I really DO have 'man hands'! And…and that 'treasure trail' is a justified nickname considering what would happen if I didn't have my pills to save me! It'd just grow naturally, so keep that in your little red book of insults, I'm sure it'll come in handy! And 'tranny'! WELL, that's just a perfect fit! But let's add to the list, shall we? I'll take the damn initiative here for you, how about 'shemale', just so all the inbred hicks in Lima know EXACTLY what you're talking about, and exactly what I'll end up having to do if my dreams are shot! Why not ask me for my 'REAL' name, huh?! And…"

Rachel's raging, tearful words were cut off by the fact that a tanned arm swiftly whacked the notebook she had been holding out of her hands and across the room, Santana taking its place as the girl straddled her lap. The former cheerleader's glare was molten, and while she held her stare, it was tremendously difficult to keep it up and not be cowed by it. "Because I already KNOW your real name, Rachel! Because I'm not some stupid little fifteen year old! Because I can put a face to the reason why my dad does what he does! Because you're my CAPTAIN, in case you think I forgot! Because you could use some goddamn help right now, and because I've fucking grown as a person since back then! You've been through enough shit already because you're an overbearing Broadway geek with a big mouth! You fucking are, you know it, but I'm not going to sit here and tell you you're not a girl, alright?! We both know better, so fuck off, Rachel!"

Rachel gulped at the ex-cheerleader's proximity to a rather specific organ of hers; her spontaneous erections were pretty much entirely gone, but Santana was attractive, and she was straddling her, wearing a dress that would be complimenting all of her curves if it weren't already hiked up nearly at her hips from the girl's maneuvers. Additionally, 'Angry Santana' had always left something of a sizzle in the air that was admittedly slightly arousing, which was only amplified by the girl's heavy breathing and fiery glare. It was hard enough to wrap her head around Santana both insulting her and getting it right; with the girl more or less pressed against her, Rachel's brain was rendered a little fuzzy. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes so that she could at least attempt to focus. _Santana said I'm a girl…a loudmouth Broadway geek girl, but a girl…and she's obviously not uncomfortable being around me, and kind of obviously doing this just to make her dad proud, but it might be…oddly nice, I guess, to just pretend she's honestly concerned for me. It's hard enough to believe she's put this much effort in. Surprising. Baffling. Perplexing…but nice. I'm still mad that she called me overbearing and said I had a big mouth, but…okay. Okay. I'll...just thank her for not telling anyone once she gets off me and I can focus properly.  
_

"I know I'm a girl, Santana. And I'd greatly appreciate it if you got off of me." Rachel stated with closed eyes, not really feeling comfortable speaking or thinking about where the both of them were. Or, really, existing in the same space as the girl straddling her, due to her creeping dysphoria. Wiping the fresh tear tracks from her face only helped so much in keeping her focus from the former cheerleader.

Thankfully, Santana seemed to notice and quickly shifted herself off of Rachel, accidentally lightly grazing her appendage, which seemed to be increasingly affected by the other girl's closeness, to the diva's discontent. She fought back feelings of nausea and grasped the sheets to try and just stop her hands from shaking, needing to keep from slipping toward any sort of attack. For as long as she could remember, her appendage had only given her trouble, and while her reactions while on hormones weren't as bad as they used to be, they were still potent enough to control what she could comfortably partake in or endure. Anything resembling sexual activity was more or less out of the question, or would be limited to a brief period of time. For that reason, Finn's issues with premature ejaculation had been fairly useful, even if she felt bad for him having to deal with it.

"Sorry, I just tend to get in people's faces when they rile me up. I wasn't thinking. And look, I know you know. I just needed you to know I know too, okay? I'm not gonna say I don't care what's between your thighs, because it obviously fucking makes you feel shitty, and you've got some unique things to deal with, but you're a girl. You're Rachel Berry. There's nothing to tell anyone." Santana noted tiredly with a shrug, leaning back against the headboard again as she looked over her nails. It was clear that the confrontation portion of their talk was over, what with Rachel feeling more comfortable having vented her anger and accepted Santana's story, which the cheerleader had just confirmed. It was nice to get all of that out of the way, and now Rachel could focus on the immediate future.

"I…appreciate you allowing me confidentiality, Santana. I assure you that I will pay for your expenses today, and do my best to stay out of your way throughout this trip in order to try and make up for it." She answered, hoping it would satisfy the former cheerleader, but the perturbed expression the girl soon wore made her think otherwise.

"Not that I really like hanging around with much of anyone, Berry, but I don't need you to hide from me. Just…reel back your intensity for once and maybe we'll be good." Santana said with her trademark smirk, before bounding off the bed and returning with the slew of bags. "Oh, and I got you some stuff. I guessed your size, but I'm usually right…been going to school with you for years and everything. And I got some medical tape, some shape-wear compression stuff, panties…I'm not sure what method you use, so I just got…you know, whatever."

Rachel allowed herself a small smile at Santana's brief show of nervousness, finding her a little cute when flustered. Only a tiny bit, though. It was also nice to think the girl had spent part of one of their precious free days shopping with her in mind. While she was hardly feeling up to it, Rachel decided that being diplomatic would be a good idea to hopefully work to maintain their temporary truce. "Thank you, Santana. I…don't know how to thank you for…well, everything. If I'd bunked with Quinn…well…"

"It would have been cataclysmic. Mayhem. She would have freaked and either fainted or told everyone, and Snix might have killed her, because Blondie wouldn't expect it from me at all. And then I'd be yet another serial killer hiding out here in Jersey for the rest of my days, and I'm too hot for that." Santana muttered offhandedly, bringing over all the bags for Rachel to look at. She wasn't quite sure what to make of Santana's declaration that she would have killed Quinn and others for outing her, so she just focused on the clothes instead. The diva peered into one of the bags and pulled out a rather low cut peach-toned bandage dress that, just looking at it for a second, Rachel knew would leave very little to the imagination. In a way, it was oddly flattering for Santana to think that she would be able to pull off that dress.

Most items seemed to have remnants of her own style and preferences, but pretty much everything carried the sort of sensual spiciness Santana was famous for at school. Even the more casual things managed to appear figure flattering and fashionable, which was daunting _. Kurt will have a brain aneurysm if he sees me wearing any of this…he already almost did this morning, but…that peach dress…jeez…_

"Santana, I…thank you for your generosity, but some of these clothes are…well, they aren't really made for my body." Rachel explained as best as she could, feeling more than a little anxious about most of the clothes. She'd never had the best hips, and her breast growth wasn't anything substantial; all the insults over the years had more or less had her dysphoria spiking pretty high in situations regarding clothes and shopping, and constantly had her thinking even more poorly of her body. She did what she could to improve it and be aware of her self-image, but Rachel was very aware that her body was apparently sub-par. That it was at least still too close to where it started for her comfort, especially given that her dosages weren't terribly significant and that there had been minimal progress.

"I'm pretty sure they'll fit you well…I picked more clingy material because I was pretty confident with knowing your size and all, but I needed a little leeway just in case. It'll all fit, though, I'm totes sure. They'll at least show off the body you've been hiding under those sweaters all these years, too." Santana said playfully, her eyebrows wiggling in mock seduction, which had her feeling like she was in the Twilight Zone. It was entirely bizarre and more than slightly uncomfortable. And really, Rachel wasn't all that certain or confident about wearing it well, and desperately wanted a change of topic.

"I, uh…well, I'll try things on later. For now…I should get back to work on the songs." Rachel announced, drawing an understanding nod from Santana.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Let me get my laptop and crap, we can work on it together. I doubt Finn even thought about the backing track." Santana noted, quickly grabbing her laptop, mouse, and a hardcover book from her luggage, before rushing back to her bed and starting things up. Rachel's eyebrows quirked up at the statement, her memories rushing back to the backing music Mr. Schuester had managed to somehow gather in secrecy for her original song and 'Loser Like Me' at regionals, despite only being able to play guitar and ukulele.

Seeing Santana excitedly pop open her laptop and toss her headphones around her neck made her smile, feeling it would be a pleasant surprise if Santana was the producer of the track that really accented her previous work. It would certainly just add more craziness onto the already mind-boggling day she'd endured, but working with music would likely help her overworked brain from malfunctioning too badly. "Let's show Schue what a real team can do, right? Now, let's work with what you've got for the vocals, figure out a time signature and tempo, and get this show on the road, Berry."


	3. Chapter 3

The following two days had been pretty easy-going; while Monday and Tuesday had been rife with drama and stress, Wednesday and Thursday had been really productive. Santana hadn't been convinced when they got there Monday night that they could fully prepare for Nationals, but by the end of Thursday evening, they'd performed what was once Finn's song in one of the conference rooms Schue had booked out, and the whole club decided it was perfect. Santana was still kind of miffed that Rachel had spilled the beans on her production abilities, as she'd never really wanted to take that sort of spotlight until she felt she was good enough. That said, turning Finn's wonky set of lyrics into the crisp, smooth track they'd recorded was something of a minor miracle; she just didn't like that Finn was getting credit as if he'd put in an equal or greater amount of work as they did. She and Rachel had toiled over it for hours on end, rewriting over two thirds of the lyrics, arranging the entire piece, and putting together basic choreography. It had been an exhausting yet wonderful two days of straight work; Rachel was a lot more enjoyable for Santana to work with, at least once the diva learned that they were on something akin to even ground, given their different specialties and talents.

And while both she and Rachel had spent most of Wednesday and Thursday locked in their room working on the songs, they'd both found some time to socialize. She'd visited her favourite blondes for dinner on both days, and spent a few hours watching cartoons with Britt late Wednesday afternoon, which was fun and relaxing after working so hard. Rachel had been a little less social, though spent some time with Kurt, Mercedes and Tina apparently, and had relayed all the newest gossip to Santana after she'd returned from Britt's room Wednesday evening. It was nice seeing Rachel more carefree and comfortable again after the first two days in New York; Santana knew that Berry tended to get into a zone of sorts while working, so it was just relieving to know the girl wasn't too shaken up still to go out and be with her friends. The diva had been in such a good mood that Thursday night that she'd been prodded to watch some musical TV show called 'Smash' together, which was alright. Not that she could recall much, as she'd been pretty wiped at the time, but it was good to know Berry wouldn't be walking on eggshells around her. While they hadn't discussed anything really personal across those two days, every waking hour saw the diva a tiny bit more at ease in her presence, and Santana figured most would consider that progress. So while those two days were widely filled with heavy workloads, they were pretty damn good days.

Friday, the day before the qualifiers for the top ten showcase, wasn't so kind, however.

Santana woke to the sound of puking at an ungodly hour. She wasn't particularly a morning person, and would often sleep in when given the opportunity, but the sound and pungent smell of vomit often sped up the process of waking up. Britt would sometimes drink too much too quickly at parties, and Quinn had endured a short two and a half months of binge drinking recently to help get over Beth; with that having coloured her recent past, Santana's mind often went on auto-pilot in such situations. She found her body slipping quickly out of the bed, sleepily stumbling against the doorframe before rushing to the kneeling brunette's side. Santana quickly pulled the girl's hair back and used the hair tie around her wrist to secure it as she looked over the diva before her.

Rachel was pale, shaking, and while vomiting often made people teary-eyed, it was clear she was legitimately crying. At least, it seemed that way given the odd sob between expelling the previous night's dinner and snack. Santana rubbed the girl's back gently, whispering that the diva would be alright and other similar phrases as soothingly as she could. She wasn't sure why Rachel had vomited, but she did know she'd help the girl out however she could. She'd been keeled over the toilet before, after all; it was never a pleasant experience.

"Just let it all out, Rachel. You got this." She whispered reassuringly, drawing a weak, confused look from the diva, who looked like she'd crawled through the first two circles of hell.

"Why are you…doing this?" Rachel asked, before dry heaving over the bowl again.

"Well, it was either this, or chant 'Eye of the Tiger' by the doorway to cheer you on, and I figured you'd appreciate this a bit more." Santana answered cheekily, thrilled to have earned a small smile on the diva's face as the girl slumped over the toilet seat. "Easy, okay? I'll…I'll be right back, don't go anywhere, promise?"

Rachel nodded at her request, giving Santana enough incentive to burst out of their room and through the hallway, eventually finding a janitor's closet. Her eyes adjusted from the brightness and quickly found an empty mop bucket; figuring they'd probably have extras, and that it wouldn't be of much use given most of the floors were carpeted, she grabbed it and dashed back to her room, setting it up beside Rachel's bed before moving back into the bathroom.

The diva was staring at her questioningly by the sink as Santana entered, rinsing her mouth out, still shaking and clearly confused about what was going on. It was then that Santana realized Rachel was strictly in her t-shirt only; the diva's underwear was discarded on the washroom floor by the toilet, and her problem seemed to be fairly evident from what her sleepy mind could gather. _Pretty strange to actually SEE that sort of setup for once, but…fuck, she needs me right now, not some jerk who's too busy staring at her dick to focus on helping her feel better…_

"Can…can you turn a…around, please?" Rachel asked, sounding about as meek as she had ever heard her. The girl still looked ghostly white under the harsh fluorescent bulbs, fear and shame just emanating from the diva's body language. Santana did as she was asked, biting her lip to focus on something other than that pained expression and the fact that she was entirely clueless on how to help Berry right then and there. She had known going in that it would be difficult, but so much of what she'd learned over the years just vanished when she looked into the diva's soft brown eyes. She wasn't entirely certain why, but she had a few ideas.

It wasn't as if she truly pitied Rachel so much as she hated how society treated people like her and how uncomfortable they seemed to be in their bodies. She felt there was enough of a difference between both concepts, at least. She, after all, didn't think her being trans was anything worse or lesser than, or something deserving of special entitlements; at least, she hadn't once she'd done enough reading and research to understand the basics of it. In her eyes, ever since the Berrys moved into town when Rachel was eight, she'd only ever known the diva as a girl, and she was happy that when she figured it out earlier in the week, her opinion hadn't even shifted for a second. Santana knew she had her father to thank for that, as well as many of the great bloggers on the internet that she'd stumbled on. _But none really talked about anything like this…I mean, she's probably gone through this before, so she doesn't need me or anything, but I want to help make it better…but how the fuck do I manage that, when I've never heard of anything like this? I mean, I had that thing with my breasts and everything but this is probably different, right? I mean, it's…it's probably that dysphoria shit, right? So what do I even do right now? People talk about it but…but not like this…fuck, think think think…I…okay, golden rule: keep it simple stupid. I think I can do that._

Eventually, the slow stream of water from the sink faucet was halted, and a sad sigh filled the room, following by light patting sounds. After a few seconds, Santana peeked over her shoulder, spotting Rachel leaning against the sink, both hands gripping the edge lightly as the closed-eyed diva took slow, deep breaths. Santana was pretty sure she'd never seen the girl looking so exhausted, and it was kind of jarring. Rachel was almost always so full of joy and energy even when she was tired, and the girl she was staring at was sapped of that completely.

Cursing herself for being half asleep still, she made a decision to just take some damn initiative and get her roommate comfortable. "Berry, let's get you back to bed, okay?" Santana asked as she slowly approached the exhausted diva and tilted her back, lifting Rachel's exhausted body up bridal style. Berry had never looked to be the heaviest girl, but she felt so goddamn light in her arms; the sad, resigned expression only further tugged at her heartstrings as the diva wrapped her arms around Santana's neck for support. As swiftly and calmly as she could manage, she carried Rachel over to her bed and gently deposited her on the side the girl seemingly hadn't used.

"San…I…I might need new sheets, I think." Rachel whispered up at her with her eyes shut tight, looking entirely defeated as her shoulders started to shake with fresh sobs. Santana nodded, her brain having finally caught up into full clarity, and carried Rachel over to her own bed before grabbing the girl some new sleep clothes and tossing it to her.

"Sleep here tonight, okay?" Santana asked, before grabbing her bedside water bottle and handing it to the worn out girl. "Drink up a little, you need to keep hydrated, alright?" Rachel, eyes still closed shut, nodded and drank about a third of the bottle slowly as Santana went to work, discarding the sheets. They seemed entirely clean, but she'd take the girl's word for it just in case, deciding to also change into something warmer so the AC wouldn't cause her to freeze to death considering they didn't have any spare sheets. _Next free day, I'm buying a damn blanket for this freaking igloo…_

She could hardly look at the diva without wanting to just comfort the girl, to figure out what she could do to make it better, if anything. When she'd gone through the process of truly accepting herself, she'd been alone, and too many nights found her crying herself to sleep or over the toilet from her anxiety. Santana had been too anxious and nervous about how being a lesbian would affect whether her family would love her, and whether her God would love her, to sleep during far too many nights. It was a tough eleven or so months; she couldn't imagine something similar in concept, if at a potentially much greater magnitude, stretching across someone's whole life. It hurt to even think about, and she just wanted Rachel to be at peace. The diva had worked too hard for her dreams, and to be seen as normal, to not deserve a fair shot, even if she knew what people deserved had nothing to do with it. However, that night, Santana just wanted the girl to sleep peacefully.

"I…I know I'm a freak, Santana. Can you just…stop avoiding me, please?" Rachel asked, sounding entirely broken, not allowing Santana the opportunity to speak before she continued. "Where are you sleeping?"

Santana walked over to her luggage slowly, grabbed an over-sized hoodie and slipped it on along with a pair of sweats, then laid herself down on Rachel's empty bed. "I'll sleep here tonight, you just try and get some rest, alright, Tink? If you need anything just let me know." The impromptu nickname just slipped out, but Santana didn't entirely regret it. She figured that at least Berry would probably be okay with it, whereas if she'd said it to or around Quinn or Kurt, she never would have heard the end of it.

"Why are you being so nice?" Rachel asked a few minutes later, the room smothered in darkness.

"Because I don't want you to be alone." Santana whispered out, deciding it was a good enough answer for her newly half-asleep mind to hand out. She wasn't sure if Rachel responded after that, or how she felt. Her tired mind just hoped that the diva would understand that she had a friend.

* * *

Rachel didn't understand what she was doing; she was sitting in a small café in SoHo with Santana, having breakfast, yet neither was talking. When she'd gotten the invitation, she'd expected Santana to finally unload a plethora of questions on her; she'd been waiting ever since Santana squeezed the truth out of her on Tuesday, yet it hadn't happened. So more or less, Rachel just didn't understand what they were doing.

"Santana…why are we out here?" Rachel asked warily, eying the suddenly confused ex-cheerleader who was mid-bite into a slice of pancake.

Santana took a moment to bite and swallow, her eyes owning an amused twinkle to them, before answering. "We're eating breakfast. I did a search for vegan cafes that served pancakes, and this came up, so we're here. And this shit's not bad." The girl noted calmly with a noncommittal shrug. A suspicious noncommittal shrug.

Rachel refrained from rolling her eyes; she understood that they were having breakfast, but they could have been having it separately, elsewhere, and she didn't get why the former cheerleader was spending it with her. The past few days, they'd mostly done meals alone with the exception of Wednesday's lunch, which was more of a snack as they worked through it. "You could have just gone to a pancake place by yourself, Santana." Rachel asserted quickly, earning a cocked eyebrow from the girl across from her.

"Yeah, and I could have left you alone on your free day. I just knew Kurt had his own plans, and so did everyone else…I figured that you'd like some company, but if you want, I could just go my own way or whatever. It's not a big deal." Santana spoke, staring intently into her eyes, and she wondered when Santana had dropped her walls; normally the girl's expression was unreadable unless she was angry, but she could see the sincerity in the girl's eyes clearly. It was kind of unnerving, and she wondered if it was just a case of the girl slipping due to it still being quite early in the morning. Especially with how little sleep either of them managed to get the previous night.

Rachel shook her head slowly, still confused, but appreciating the idea of having company; she mostly just wanted to walk around the city and breathe it in, and figured it'd possibly be nice to have someone at her side in case she felt like talking, or they saw a celebrity but Rachel was too excited to introduce herself. "I…suppose it would be nice if you came along with me, but I admit that compared to many others, my plans aren't exciting in the least. I just want to take a nice, long walk."

"You'll have time for being crazy when you move here anyway. Nothing wrong with getting a feel for the city first. Competition's tomorrow, and it's nice to relax and everything before you have to throw the hammer down." Santana explained with a small smile, taking another piece of pancake into her mouth, humming quietly and happily with each bite. It was a little odd, yet interesting to see the girl looking so carefree.

"I…was thinking we could walk on the High Line? Then maybe walk through to Broadway? And then Central Park?" Rachel mused openly, knowing she wanted to get as good a glimpse of Manhattan as she could.

Santana smirked and finished off her breakfast, letting out a wordless, satisfied hum. "Sounds good to me. With all that walking, though, I'm just happy I didn't choose crazy heels today, I guess."

The plans quickly changed, albeit minimally; Rachel decided to go the reverse route, figuring the High Line would look better when the sun was setting, and Central Park would have more things going on during the daytime. For most of the walking, Santana was quiet, her head pivoting around to see everything, surprisingly wordless; she'd expected her usual snark and barrage of insults, and was pleasantly surprised that not only did that not happen, but the silence between them had quickly grown comfortable. Santana would point something out to her occasionally, smile at the odd storefront, and respond to questions if Rachel had them, but she was otherwise pretty quiet. Not to mean her roommate seemed perturbed, as she'd initially expected; instead, the girl seemed rather content, something which Rachel couldn't quite wrap her mind around. Eventually, after watching Santana play with dogs in Central Park for a half hour, she pulled the girl aside to a bench, figuring both of their feet could use a short break.

"I didn't peg you as an animal person, Santana. Do you perchance have any pets of your own?" Rachel asked politely, figuring it would be a nice ice-breaker after watching her play around with a golden lab for a bit while its owner and kids had went for ice-cream. It had been an odd request, but the family's Frisbee had kept flying in their direction, and Santana had enjoyed tossing it back and making the dog rush all over the place. When the family had asked them to watch the pup for a bit, Santana had been pretty nonchalant about it, but Rachel could see a tiny glimmer of excitement in her eyes over it, and soon enough the girl was running around the park with it.

"I wish. My mom's always gone and my dad…he considered it, but figured with our schedules, no one would be home to care for one. He's always told me that you shouldn't bring anything or anyone into your life unless you can offer the time they deserve, whether it's a hobby, a pet, a person or whatever." The girl spoke, and suddenly, a lot of things kind of made sense. Putting aside the obvious insinuation that there were marital issues in Santana's family, she'd never seen Santana hanging out with anyone other than Quinn or Brittany. Additionally, the girl didn't seem to have many hobbies, but the ones she had, she worked on tirelessly. "That said, I always wanted one of those weirdo corgi things, they're freaking ridiculous. Wherever I go after high school, I think I'll adopt one." Santana remarked with a grin as she stared out at all the dogs running around in the park. "You?"

Rachel shook her head. "My dads are both allergic, so they didn't want to go through the trouble." She noted sadly, always having wanted a pet dog, cat, and turtle. It would have been the perfect trio, but alas, it wasn't to be. Even one would have been nice, but her fathers had insisted that even a turtle was too much for Rachel. "So…you've been quiet all day."

Santana gave yet another shrug, keeping her eyes on the park. "I only talk when I really feel like I have to say something, you know? I'm blunt, I'm brutally honest, and if I think someone sucks, I'll probably tell them." Santana noted calmly before nudging Rachel's shoulder with her own. "I've been in good company so far, so there's been no reason to be a bitch."

"I just…I expected more questions, I guess, but they never came. And I expected you to be more like how you are at school, but you haven't been. I feel like you're some pod person version of Santana, I don't recognize you at all." Rachel said bluntly, figuring her honesty would at least win her some points with the girl, even if her words were a bit tactless.

"I don't have much reason to get mad when I'm here. In Lima, I can't be myself, so I get mad and frustrated and bitchy…here, I'm kind of free of that. And I mean, I have questions, but I don't want to put you on the spot or anything. If you ever trust me enough, and want me to know more, then just sit me down wherever, whenever, and I'll listen, I'll ask whatever." Santana explained quietly, before looking down the path to the ice-cream vendor. "Hey, I'm just gonna go grab some ice-cream, haven't had that stuff in forever. If I see anything vegan, you want me to grab you something?"

Rachel shook her head and smiled as she watched the girl dart off, perhaps a little more excited than she'd expected. Biting her lip, perhaps she was finally starting to understand why Santana and Brittany were so close. She'd never seen Santana so exuberant and playful, and it was admittedly a good look on her.

* * *

It had been a long, tiring day of walking and exploring, but they were finally on their way back to the hotel, about halfway down the High Line walkway en route to the ferry back to Jersey. Santana was just happy to be watching the sun set across the Hudson as they walked; dusk and dawn had always been her favourite times of the day, and any opportunity she had to view a wonderful sunset, even if partially obscured, was one she'd jump on if she was able.

As they reached yet another seating area, Rachel gently took her hand and guided her to some lounging chairs; Santana knew they were both tired, and couldn't believe the tiny diva's legs were still functional. They both sat there, side by side for a few minutes, where the sparse collection of passersby would occasionally spare them a lingering glance. The attention seemed to unnerve Rachel, given the girl's confused and embarrassed expression.

"What's up, Berry?" she asked quietly, turning her head to the diva, who shrunk back a little after a larger man ogled the hell out of her.

"Can we go home now, I…I feel really out of place." The girl mumbled, avoiding looking at others walking past them. "I don't know how you convinced me that this dress was a good idea, I look ridiculous."

Santana recoiled slightly at the words, unable to mask her disbelief. She'd used her Lopez magic to get the girl to squeeze into that delicious peach-toned dress, and it was kind of really perfect for the diva. Like, it was ravishing and shit. If not for the iron will being a lesbian in the Cheerios had given her, she probably wouldn't have been able to look away. "Uh, Berry…those people are staring at us because we're hot as hell. You don't look ridiculous at all. Well…maybe ridiculously scorching."

Rachel didn't seem appeased by the statement, curling up carefully on the furniture, clearly uncomfortable. Santana considered her options and made an impromptu decision. She had, after all, gotten a 'boob job' as many called it; she had been insecure about her body in a few ways as well, and while she was more at peace with it now in some ways, she understood the desire to hide it away at times. That wasn't a possibility considering their distance from their hotel, however, as well as with Berry's discomfort flaring up, so she got to work. _A little nip and tuck here and there, and…_

"Santana! What…what are you DOING?!" Rachel squeaked from beside her, the diva's hands frantically swatting Santana's away from where they were doing their work.

"Rachel, you're not feeling alright with people ogling your fine ass, so I'll take that burden off you." Santana noted playfully as she finished adjusting her breasts and bra so that they were barely covered by her dress and were practically spilling out all over the place. Just to turn the dial to eleven, she hiked her dress hem up and used a few spare pins to keep the adjustment in place. When she looked back at Rachel, she smirked; the diva was clearly trying her best not to stare, and if Santana had been feeling malicious, she would have called her on it. "There, that should do until we can find some shop that sells hoodies and sweatpants or whatever you feel happier wearing."

Santana got up off the chair and held out a hand to help the diva get up, but Rachel just gaped at her. "Santana you look like a street-walker!" the girl grit out nervously, her eyes darting from side to side as if in fear of someone seeing 'the goods' as Puck liked to call them. Not that Santana cared, she just saw her friend in trouble, and wanted it to end. If it meant more leering, whatever. Especially if it was sometimes from Berry, who wasn't subtle at all.

She couldn't help but laugh at how Berry's eyes were darting all over the place, shooting the odd glare at people who no doubt were fiercely ogling her. "Yeah, well, gimme ten bucks… then I'll be on your arm and people will think I'm an escort instead." She joked with waggling eyebrows, pulling Berry to her feet.

"Santana just…can you not make such…sexually charged jokes at this time?" Rachel asked her meekly, and all the humour Santana was basking in vanished. She knew that sometimes she took her teasing too far, and she was thankful Rachel was reminding her there were limits.

"Sure, Rachel. My bad." Santana noted sheepishly, giving Berry a quick shoulder rub as she used the other hand to check her phone for nearby stores. "Looks like there's a Lululemon four blocks away on west fourteenth. We go fast enough, and we can get there before they close."

Rachel just nodded and power-walked in that direction, Santana desperately wanting to chuckle as she matched the smaller girl's pace. She'd always found the diva's storm outs and ridiculously fast walking pace to be absurdly humorous, and she still couldn't entirely shake that feeling despite knowing that her newest friend was having a tough time. Santana felt kind of bad for it, but she was the kind of person to give her friends shit over the small stuff, even in the midst of shittier, more important stuff. That said, she did know that if anyone gave the girl shit, she'd go all Lima Heights Adjacent on them, competition suspension or no.

* * *

Rachel let out a relieved sigh as she got back to the hotel room, immediately bee-lining it for the bed and flopping onto it. It had been a long day of exploring, and despite how wonderful it was for the most part, it was nice that she could relax in private again. She'd been incredibly thankful that Santana helped her find a place to get a change of clothes, which made the walk home much more bearable.

If she were to be truthful, the girl was the reason she'd found herself in trouble initially, though Rachel wouldn't admit it verbally. They'd been passing by a small garden nook with flowers on the High Line, and the both of them had decided to check out the area. However, Santana had been standing almost right beside her, and despite wanting to smell the tulips and larkspurs, all Rachel could smell was the sweet vanilla citrus enveloping the ex-cheerleader. And when Santana had turned her head and looked at her, the girl's face bathed in the soft orange of the setting sun, her eyes so surprisingly expressive and intense, it was all Rachel could do to stifle her gasp. From that point on, all she could do was just stare at the girl; the sway of her hips as she walked, how her head turned to everything green she passed and breathed it in. It was also rather cute how the girl would smile softly and unabashedly at the passing architecture, and how she'd hum seemingly random tunes as they walked the path. Santana was so breathtakingly beautiful; sure, she'd noticed that the girl was attractive before, but nothing like what that walk taught her when she was finally paying close enough attention to really SEE the girl.

Which, of course, inspired some imaginative thoughts, given her vast creative mind, which then inspired some unfavorable physical reactions that had brought reality crashing back down onto her. Immediately, she'd felt absolutely inferior and like she was just some pretender playing dress up; it was one of the recurring issues with finding girls attractive, and why she tended to gravitate toward boys. While she knew it was wrong, and that Santana probably DID think she looked good given how often the girl kept eying her up, internal transphobia was something she continuously struggled with. Having strangers add to it all with their piercing gazes just made it worse.

After enduring a minute or so of painfully arousing teasing from the other girl, the both of them ventured off in pursuit of more covering clothes, and it had made everything a fair bit better, especially when the former cheerleader re-adjusted herself back to normal at the store. Santana had been unwilling to buy a hoodie and sweatpants for herself, claiming she liked how she was dressed, and that their fashion difference would make sure Rachel wasn't noticed when she didn't want to be. Rachel had accepted that logic and ran with it, even if the other girl had guessed the wrong primary cause. It was just nice to know that Santana was concerned for her over something generally seen as a minor issue by most.

She felt the bed dip beside her as Santana flopped closer to her feet, the girl resting on her side and peering over at her, hugging the newly purchased crimson coloured blanket against her chest. "I don't blame you, you know. My bed's mattress is so much better."

Rachel let out a light chuckle, propping her head onto the pillow so she could more easily look at the girl at the end of the bed. "I thought bed ownership changed hands last night?" she spoke playfully, unable to raise just one eyebrow, so she rose both.

"That was a one night loan, Berry. I'm not THAT generous." Santana laughed, a wide grin spreading across her face, and Rachel wondered how she never really noticed that the girl looked really kind when she smiled. Her cheekbones were really pretty, her teeth were wonderful, and her eyes lit up and gave her dark irises even more depth. It was a far cry from the hard, stony expression she'd often give by default. New York City was clearly good for Santana.

Rachel swallowed and tried to focus, feeling that even with more than half their time over in New York, it was important for Santana to be aware of things like what had happened the night before. She wasn't comfortable talking about it, strictly because such an event was always horrendously uncomfortable to put it lightly, but she felt it necessary to at least give a warning. "Santana, I can't promise that I won't have another nighttime interruption again. I can't request that you do what you did last night again if I have another incident, but I just wish to make you aware that it is…sadly a somewhat common event."

Immediately, the smile on Santana's face dissipated into a concerned expression. "Like I told you, Rach, just ask…you don't have to handle everything alone, and it's the least I could do to swap beds for you if that's what you need. So long as you're more comfortable and able to sleep, I'll be alright. I can sleep on anything, anywhere. I slept on a shrub not even a month ago after one of Puck's parties." Santana noted, her voice as surprisingly reassuring as the words she spoke, although Rachel certainly didn't want Santana sleeping on anything as painful or ridiculous as a shrub. The girl scooted her body up the bed and laid down beside Rachel, their heads sharing the pillow. "Last night you looked so... sad and worn out, and I don't want you having to deal with that alone. I…I mean, you can, if that's what you need, but I'm here if you need me too, alright?"

Rachel smiled at the slightly flustered girl, who clearly didn't seem to feel entirely confident about the situation at hand. She didn't want to tell the former cheerleader that there was a much better chance of that sort of thing happening, given her new-found attraction to Santana, but at the same time, she couldn't think of a better person at the moment to help her deal with the aftermath, something she never liked doing alone. She always felt so broken and wrong after waking up like that, and the soothing, smoky tone of Santana's voice had been so welcome the previous night.

"I appreciate the offer. I just…I don't understand why you'd want to make the effort." Rachel spoke, not putting enough thought into her words to filter them, internally cursing herself for question the girl's motives, something she knew that tended to irk the girl.

And Santana did flinch at her words. And Santana was quiet for a few seconds. But Santana's soft hand gently grasping her own sent her worries away. "I didn't know you. I still don't, but you were kind of just a nameless stranger for a long time. I see most of the school that way." Santana began quietly, taking another few soft breaths before continuing. "It's what makes it so easy for me to tear other people down, because I don't know them. I mean, the longer I've been in glee, the less I've insulted all of you, because by then I knew you were an ambitious diva who loved Broadway, who had body image issues and an awesome voice. I sort of figured out that usually, you rambled when you were nervous, angry or scared, and that you were succinct when you were furious, in a playful mood or embarrassed. I knew that you were overbearing and felt it was only fair to challenge all of us like you challenge yourself every day, and you hold everyone to your standards because you know Broadway will be harder, and those people will be at your level, so you wanted to get used to it early. I know you've perfected a show smile so even when you're not feeling it, you can smile whenever it's appropriate or expected of you. And I know you fool a lot of people with it. I know you're just as tactless as me sometimes, but that you usually just don't think things through before you speak, where I generally don't care and say whatever I want."

Rachel lay there, staring intently at the other girl, whose gaze was stuck on some part of the ceiling. She'd often wondered exactly how perceptive the girl was, but she'd never imagined Santana would have been so accurate in her assessment. It was kind of really flattering. "Even then, it was easy to tease you about things, because I knew more about you, and had more ammo, but I didn't want to cut you down. So I'd make fun of your height while telling you that you were going to star on Broadway. Or I'd make fun of your clothes while subtly insinuating I'd prefer them off your body. And sometimes I'd just flat out insult you without a backhanded compliment, but I'd always feel a little bad, and try to cheer you up when the singing and dancing started. I may not have really been great to you…I don't like most people…but I'm not Satan."

"So what changed?" she asked, understanding why the girl did what she did, but not understanding how they took the next step. Or, more accurately, specifically why they took that next step.

"I don't usually see people when they're upset. Quinn when she was pregnant, Britt when she saw ducks being slaughtered, but that was pretty much it. And even with that, Quinn just needed some sort of family and love and shit, and Britt hates seeing animals get hurt, so it wasn't super tough, and more people than me were there to help too. And sure, I've seen Finn and Puck angry, but whatever. I don't like Finn, and Puck gets pissed off for a lot of stupid things." Santana noted flippantly, Rachel feeling her hand squeezed ever so slightly.

"When I saw you in the bathroom so…well, hurting… I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I didn't want you being like that, and I needed you to feel better…because you're pretty cool when you're legit happy. And when I put the pieces together, I…look, I'm not going to say it's the same thing, because it isn't, but I know what it's like to suffer alone over something you can't control. It tore me apart, not feeling confident enough to tell anyone about it, and I would have loved for someone to just be there for me and tell me that I was alright, I wasn't damaged, I wasn't unnatural. I didn't want you to be alone. I didn't want that for you."

Rachel took a few minutes to digest that, letting the details seep in while she took comfort in the presence of the girl beside her. It was a fine explanation, but Rachel didn't want a friendship founded on pity. While Santana hadn't stated outright that it was, she needed confirmation. "Do you pity me? Is that why you're helping me out? Because you think I'm entitled to help because of how I am? Because, Santana, I don't…"

She heard Santana shift beside her, the hand in her own leaving to find a new temporary home on her stomach. "I don't THINK I pity you. It's just… I'll probably say this all wrong, but I saw this girl who's fought so hard to just be how she was meant to be, and I get why you're so ambitious now, why you're so determined, why you expect so much of everyone now. I get it. And I understand why you put everything into all that you do, because you can't not. You know who you are, you always have. So I want to help, because no one should have to work that hard for everything, even if I know you could and would. I'm not doing this because of some philosophical bullshit, it's because I just don't want you to go through it alone. I want you to have enough in your gas tank to do what you were born to do. It's about YOU, and... and FUCK, your rambling's contagious. I've been prattling on for days. Kill me now. Seriously, kill me now. Use my hairdryer and bludgeon me or something."

Rachel laughed at the admittedly sweet but entirely disorganized rant. She understood what the girl was trying to say, even if it was a roundabout way of saying it, and gave the girl a smile to let her know she'd done well. "Santana Lopez, there's nothing wrong with speaking your mind and not restricting your statements to a character limit similar to texts." Rachel noted with a smirk, happy with the girl's answer, and happy to put the topic behind her.

"Yeah, well, whatever." Santana mumbled, her body shifting up onto her side against Rachel, as her arm splayed itself across the diva's waist. Rachel stiffened at the movement, not understanding what was going on at all; it was odd enough that they were laying on the same bed together, side by side. Santana basically cuddling up against her? Absolutely unheard of, and it had her blood rushing given recent developments.

"Um…Santana?" she choked out, not feeling entirely capable of speaking coherent sentences with Santana's body pressed against her side, the girl's nose and raven locks tickling her cheek.

"Shh. I'm tired. Gonna nap." The girl breathed out sleepily, pulling the previously discarded blanket up and over their torsos. "Your body's like a campfire. Or a cozy furnace. Mmmm."

Rachel blushed at the thought of the girl willingly sleeping in the same bed with her, even just casually having an arm thrown across her stomach. "But…I…are you…" Rachel stammered out, not really sure what she wanted to say or ask as Santana nuzzled against her.

"My bed, my rules. Now lemme nap, my phone's going off in two hours and if I don't nap now I'll have to wait until midnight to get any rest at all." Santana mumbled, the pout evident in her voice.

Rachel fought internally over whether to get out of the bed and avoid anything bad happening, or staying right where she was and enjoying the sensation of someone beside her, the comfort of having a friend close by that she could confide in completely one day, perhaps. In the end, the latter won out and she pulled the girl's arm further across her waist, Santana taking the hint and hugging her happily.

Rachel just hoped nothing would go wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

Santana had woken up at her alarm, feeling well rested and ready to do a few more practice runs with Rachel before settling in for the night. She'd always taken a nap the evening before competitions; it had become something of a routine, and she was happy that her diva roommate entertained her wishes and followed suit. It was even harder to believe that she'd blurted all that stuff out to Rachel beforehand, which was entirely embarrassing, even if she was happy that it seemed to put the diva at ease. She wasn't usually the type to be so open about much of anything with anyone, but Rachel just had something about her that made her talk. Santana had vowed to censor herself a bit more in the future, but she knew it would be a challenge, especially if the previous day was any indication.

Truthfully, their day out had really helped Santana see Rachel in a different way. Out there, exploring the city, the girl was stripped of all the regular stresses, and she was able to just hang back and see Berry in her natural element. She saw a happy, excited, tiny diva in awe of the world they'd entered, and who just seemed so comfortable there. Rachel had made light, easy jokes and conversation without rambling or being too verbose; she'd just gone with the flow instead of being set on a meticulous plan, not having seemed bothered at all that Santana had spent a half hour playing with a dog. In fact, Rachel seemed pretty happy to just take the whole scene in, as if she'd come home after being away for a long time, just absorbing every minor detail. It was refreshing to see the girl like that, subtly carefree and entirely peaceful. It was something Santana felt they shared; both enjoyed and wanted the spotlight, but she knew that being able to step into the background and just being able to exist without expectations or restrictions was something they both clearly valued as well.

Everything about Rachel had been real across those hours, and she liked what she had seen of the girl. She liked the smiles they shared and the excitement over the smallest things they randomly stumbled across on their trek, like the street performer festival just north of SoHo after they'd finished breakfast. Santana liked that the girl's attention to detail had been still present, but occupied by a wealth of other things in their journey that just made their experience that much more special and memorable. While Santana prided herself on being perceptive when it came to people, Rachel was perceptive when it came to pretty much anything else, especially if it dealt with film and Broadway, and she was happy to share the girl's enthusiasm. It was clear Berry hadn't had an outlet before, with the possible exception of Kurt, and Santana felt kind of thrilled to take on that role. She may not have been as big of a Broadway geek but she was a pop culture nut herself, and they'd managed the occasional incredibly enjoyable conversation over venues seen in films, music references on store signs, the similarity of certain pieces of clothing in vintage fashion storefronts to what characters on film or whatever wore, and more. And when she'd unleashed a little snark here and there, Berry seemed to recognize that it was all playful, which was good, because she liked teasing her friends. The majority of their walk was spent in a comfortable silence, but it was nice to find that when they spoke, it wasn't the least bit awkward; it was just easy, natural.

So when Santana had woken up beside Rachel after her nap, and THAT felt natural too, she didn't really give it much thought. She supposed that it probably would have been normal to have been a little freaked out at how comfortable she felt around the girl after only a few days, but it was what it was, and she couldn't change it. Santana figured she'd roll with the punches and wing it, like she did with any potential conflict or interpersonal situation she ever found herself in. Afterward, they had worked through both musical numbers, performing both of their parts four times, before sitting down in their own beds to watch RENT. It hadn't been the least bit surprising when Rachel sang along to every song, and tried to goad her to follow along as well.

Santana thought nothing of Rachel going to the bathroom mid-movie, only to return and sit with the ex-cheerleader on the bed together instead of going back to her own. And when Rachel fell asleep, she thought nothing of slowly and carefully tucking the girl in beneath the sheets, taking the other bed instead after she'd washed up.

But when she woke at eight after three in the morning to a brief shrill scream that hastily descended into a heart-wrenchingly agonized sob, her mind went on full alert. Santana wasn't sure she'd ever woken up and sobered so quickly, her arms swiftly carrying a panicking Rachel to the bathroom just in time for the girl to expel the vomit accurately into the toilet bowl.

She wasn't sure how Rachel had dealt with that kind of thing her whole life, yet still was able to be all wide-eyed and cheery at school. It was absolutely baffling, but even in such a frail, tormented state, she could still see the flicker of that familiar determination in her eyes as the girl panted out strained breaths between bursts of nausea; even if it was faint and barely there. To see that pushed so far away due to the pain the diva was enduring, Santana couldn't help but hope that fire wouldn't ever be pushed that little bit further and extinguished. Rachel was sitting there, sobbing and trying to speak between nauseous outbursts, but Santana couldn't understand any of it, so she just tried to encourage her and support her as best as she could manage. She knew it wasn't much, but she was trying.

Rachel's sobs and vomiting shook her tiny body so hard that Santana thought the girl would splinter in two, so she held her tight and tied the diva's hair back. "Just let it out, Tink. You're gonna be okay, just take deep breaths and get it all out of you." She cooed, one arm holding the diva by the waist while the other rubbed the girl's back in hopes it would be soothing. Yet, her hopefully soothing words and comforting gestures hadn't seemed to be working after a few agonizingly long minutes, Berry not even seemingly be aware of her presence anymore, so she improvised as best she could.

Santana's mind frantically scanned her memory for something simple, something that could maybe reassure the girl and be a distraction from whatever hell Berry was stuck in mentally. She knew Rachel liked music, so she focused on that. And when a near-perfect song came to mind, she simply kept rubbing the brunette's back with one hand, holding her around the waist with the other, and hummed the opening tune of 'My' by Okay. She'd heard it earlier in the year at Quinn's when the girl had on an indie-folk binge, and it had kind of just stuck with her over the months, even if she thought the singer was pretty awful.

Still, it was most of what she felt bursting at her seams in that moment, and she needed the girl to know she wasn't going anywhere, that she wanted to be there with her through her struggles, and that she kind of really liked her. It might have been hasty and a bit selfish, but she'd never been an entirely selfless, tactful person, and she figured she'd deal with the consequences later; Santana just really wanted to see Rachel feeling better.

And as Rachel began dry heaving, emptied of everything she could hold, Santana started quietly singing the opening words, gently swaying the panting, exhausted girl side to side a little bit, hugging her from behind. The girl's sobbing didn't end, and her shaking didn't still, but it wasn't as bad as before; once she was sure Berry had gotten absolutely everything out, she helped her to her feet and washed her face with a warm cloth, wiping off the sweat and tear streaks. After Berry had rinsed her mouth properly, the diva turned her head slightly in Santana's direction. "I…I need to…shower." Rachel's voice was as hoarse as she had ever heard it, and if the girl hadn't been leaning fully against the sink, Berry's legs probably wouldn't have been able to hold her up given how badly they were shaking.

"Rachel…" She started, not wanting the diva to push herself too hard, considering how weak she looked, entirely out of breath still and her upper body barely keeping her upright.

"Please."

Santana saw the girl's lips form the word more than she heard it, but it was enough to get her moving, giving Rachel a light hug before moving to the chilly main room and digging through Rachel's clothing for a fresh camisole and panties. It wasn't difficult, given the girl barely had any luggage, and had only bought a few things the other day while they were out, and she soon found herself reentering the dingy bathroom, frowning at the sight before her.

Rachel had slumped down away from the sink and was sitting on the bath mat, her back against the tub, fresh tears running down her face; the girl was curled up into a ball, seemingly trying to obscure as much of her body as possible from view. Her top was clearly stripped off, the girl's torso still hidden by her knees, but Berry's miniscule sleep shorts were still hugging her hips. Santana cautiously walked toward the diva and knelt in front of her, Rachel keeping her eyes averted.

"Rachel, you're too tired. I'm not sure a shower's in the cards tonight." She noted quietly, hoping to get the girl's attention, but Berry didn't even flinch or blink. She just shivered in the cool bathroom, her red-rimmed eyes still leaking slow streams. Santana waited a few seconds for a response before offering up a compromise. "Look, I'll be honest, Tink…I'm not sure you can stay upright for a shower. But you could take a bath, and it could…"

"I'm not going to marinate in my filth." Rachel grit out, her shaky voice angry and pained, the girl defiantly trying to use the edge of the tub to get to her feet. However, she was still clearly exhausted and started to slip; Santana lunged forward to catch her, gracefully maneuvering Berry onto the edge of the tub, having the girl face away from her to give Berry some modesty. She ignored the weak shove Rachel aimed at her and peeked behind the shower curtains, taking notice of the shower head. She didn't trust that Rachel had her sea legs back just yet, and knew adding a slippery ceramic surface to the equation would just be unnecessarily dangerous. A plan forming, she moved toward the faucet and pivoted the shower head enough toward the edge of the tub.

"Fine, you'll have a shower, but you're sitting right there." Santana stated firmly, mangling the shower curtains so that they were partway in, and partway behind Rachel. The diva went to move, but Santana held her in place, keeping a hold of her until she stopped her brief struggle. "Rachel, you can barely stand right now, and I need to give you an epic high five tomorrow after we destroy Vocal Adrenaline and win the qualifier round, so I'm not gonna let you fall and crack your head open."

Berry was silent for a few long seconds, so Santana decided to just push the envelope and be honest and open again instead of relying on subtext and humour. "Please. I'm scared for you and I want you to be okay. Please do this for me." It wasn't often that she pleaded with anyone; she'd done so earlier in the week, and even that had been a substantial rarity. It had been difficult back then, but it was a little easier at that moment as she rested her hands lightly on the girl's shoulders; they'd built a small, fragile friendship, and she wasn't about to let that slip away just yet.

"It'll make a mess." Rachel whispered after choking back a sob, her voice barely audible even at their close proximity.

"I'll clean it up, it's just water. I'll even let you use my shower stuff, so you don't have to smell like the hotel's stupid aloe vera shit." Santana shot back quickly, knowing she needed to convince the diva that it was okay, that those were the terms if she wanted to shower. "And maybe I'll let you wear my fluffy bath robe that you were eyeing up the other day. It's honestly as comfy as it looks."

Rachel brought a hand up to cover one of Santana's and nodded. "Can you get the shower started?"

Santana took her hand out from under Rachel's and gave the diva's a squeeze before starting the water. Thankfully with it being practically summer, the water was pretty warm from the get go, and quickly heated up. Once she was sure the water was aiming properly in Rachel's direction, she lifted the nozzle and let the water hit the diva, who had finished stripping and began prepping her loofah with Santana's body wash.

She was just about to leave the bathroom to give the diva privacy when Rachel called out for her, stilling her in her path. She turned around and looked back toward the diva, who was peering over her shoulder from behind the shower curtain.

"Will you stay?" The words were soft, with a hint of nervousness and fear, neither of which Santana wanted the girl to feel. So she nodded, even if it was an odd request. Even if there were preparations to make in their room. Berry's comfort and security were just more important right then.

So she sat on the opposite side of the shower curtain, her shoulders and head resting against where Rachel's lower back was, humming that song again, knowing all the words weren't accurate, but a lot were. _I mean…fuck, I'm a proud person…I am…but I'm not usually open like this, BECAUSE I'm proud. I don't need anyone else, and I don't like getting all vulnerable for anyone because I can handle my shit on my own, and I don't think I need to say all this sappy shit for someone to know I care. I hope Rachel won't expect that, at least, but if it'll help, I'd, like, dabble in it or something here and there. And I haven't really seen her around outside at night, but I get a little scatterbrained when she smiles at me…and I just want her to get back to smiling again._

She let out a faint sigh, thankful the sound of the shower probably masked the sound of it. _What a week…dormant crush gets…well, not so dormant anymore. But I'm happy being friends…we've barely even had time to enjoy being friends, so I should just focus on that and be a good person. I can be good. I have to be, so I don't take advantage…but…but if she asked…if she wanted my heart, I'd…well, probably give it to her as a loaner or whatever. Can't be too careful. But I'm not sure I'd say no to her if she asked…I'm not sure how I feel about her, but it's more than I can say right now…_

"San?" She heard, breaking her from her roaming thoughts, stilling the melody she'd been repeating. "Santana, I need to turn around and wash my back."

The ex-cheerleader's mouth quirked in thought, her tired mind thankfully compiling a plan in the blink of an eye as she got up to her feet. "Give me your hand, alright?" she asked, pulling the shower curtain open, exposing Rachel's half-washed body. It took a scary amount of willpower to not let her eyes roam, and to instead find the diva's hesitantly outstretched hand. Once Santana was sure her grip was secure, she used her other arm to pull the diva to her feet, looping her arm under the girl's armpit and miraculously avoiding side-boob contact.

Rachel adjusted immediately, and while she still looked a little unstable, the restful period had seemingly done her some good. "I've got one of your hands for support, I won't let you fall. Do you think you can stand for a minute or two?" She asked, not even bothering to hide her concern in her question.

"I…I think so." The diva responded, ensuring that the front of her body faced away from Santana as she ran the loofah over her skin, using slow, cautious movements when she needed to bend or kneel to get at her legs. Legs that Santana really tried hard not to ogle, because it was hard enough not staring at the girl's cute bubble butt that was, like, right there.

So Santana ensured she was looking away, but kept Berry in her periphery; she knew the girl was modest, and while there wasn't really any helping the situation, she wanted to at least make an effort, given how rough their early morning wake-up had been for the other girl.

Eventually, she heard Rachel say she was done, the girl sounding pretty defeated, and more than a little tired. Still, Santana hoped that with a bit of TLC and quality sleep, the diva would be feeling alright come the morning. She kept hold of Berry's hand as she stepped to the side and turned off the water, then grabbed a fresh towel off the shelf. Blindly, she held it out in Rachel's direction, it soon being taken from her grasp, letting her pop back out into their bedroom to grab the bathrobe and a bottle of water that she should have offered the diva beforehand.

Santana peeked in to make sure Berry was all toweled up before entering again, offering the downcast diva the beverage. "Drink up, Tink. Sorry for not giving it to you earlier." She noted with regret, holding the bathrobe out when Rachel finished toweling herself off. Berry slipped into it quickly and tied it up, her half-lidded eyes revealing a sort of exhaustion that Santana figured would have the girl asleep within ten minutes.

Seeing Rachel managed to guzzle the water back, she refilled it and shoved it under her armpit as she helped walk Berry back into the bedroom, leading the diva toward the bed least likely to provoke terror or some sort of attack. "There we go, Thumbelina. You just get back to counting sheep or whatever, okay?" She asked, Santana tucking the girl in under the covers, flipping off the light and casting the room in darkness. Immediately, Rachel's hand shot out and grabbed at her tank top, stilling Santana in place.

"Can you…" The diva started, a yawn interrupting her speech for a moment. "Can you sing again?"

She blushed at the request, but with the darkness more or less concealing her to a decent degree, she nodded and knelt by the side of the bed. And it was nice, to know precisely what would help the girl. Santana took hold of Rachel's hand as she softly sang, using her other to brush a few loose strands of hair behind the diva's ear; she stuck by Berry's bedside until she finished her little performance, the girl's eyelids drooping further over the brief span of time.

Rachel, for her part, looked entirely exhausted and sleepy, but wore a hint of a smile, even if it was clearly a confused one. "Just rest your pretty head, alright, Tink? I'll be in the other bed if you need me." Santana whispered, feeling entirely anxious as she brushed her thumb across the tiny diva's cheek before moving to clean up the place. It didn't take long to soak up the puddles of water in the bathroom, haul the trash bin to Berry's bedside, strip the remaining bed of sheets, and practically face-plant onto the bed, her body falling into the seductive clutches of a fairly mediocre mattress. She was desperately tired and emotionally drained, after all. Whatever.

The rest of the night was mostly uneventful. She stayed awake as long as she could afterward, just to make sure the other girl was sleeping soundly and peacefully, before she herself succumbed to sleep, hoping that Rachel would sleep peacefully through the rest of the night.

* * *

Rachel woke at her usual time of six in the morning, feeling entirely too haggard to do anything but struggle out of bed and re-secure the fluffy bath robe's belt. The previous night had been an outright disaster, the mere memory making her cringe and bringing tears to her eyes. Usually, she had the good fortune to forget her dreams soon after waking. It was something she often found herself thankful for as it helped with recovery, and while the previous night's dream wasn't entirely complete, hazy in spots, there was enough for it to leave a mark in her long term memory.

In truth, the dream hadn't been horrible at all; she had been perfect, and Santana had been perfect. Rachel usually tried not to think about those sorts of dreams too much after the fact, but it was such a sensual, wonderful dream. But when it had come to an end as she'd climaxed, and woke to find herself in her current state, she wasn't sure if she'd ever felt such loss or as utterly broken and disgusting as she did then. Normally she'd be in a post-sleep stupor, flailing about hysterically and trying to keep her stomach contents from evacuating her freakish body before she made it to a trash can or toilet, often too dazed and horrified to remember much of those events. Rachel barely recalled anything other than the sensation of acid scorching her throat as well as remnants of Santana's soothing voice and touch the first night it happened, but the past night was different. There were still voids in her recollection, but only up until Santana started singing. Just the memory of it stemmed the tears in her eyes and brought a smile to her face.

Music had always been her sanctuary, and having it present to help bring her down to earth had aided substantially, even if the content of the song confused her. It had been so vaguely romantic and yet so simple and to the point. Rachel was used to long, elaborate songs expressing one's emotions and feelings, and Santana had absolutely calmed her with what sounded like a love song that was so simple, Brittany could have written it. _Perhaps that was the point of it…she needed for me to know that she cared, not tying any dramatic romantic event or anything else into the equation…that if I want her support, all I have to do is accept it_. She mused thoughtfully, as she cleaned herself up with her morning routine in the bathroom, knowing she'd need to do a fair bit of aftercare to ensure that her voice was up to par for the competition later in the day. She quickly made a list of things to do, and then progressed to her other pressing issues.

Rachel couldn't help but be a little confused and put off balance by everything that had happened in the early hours of the day. Her entire life, she'd embraced a flair for the dramatic in all things, especially love and romance. Fantasy, most of the time, was a lot easier to embrace than reality, and for a simple, heartfelt song to stir her heart was unexpected. All her life, she'd wanted grand gestures of love, with flowers and music and birds and everything. What she'd received were arms strong enough to support her when she couldn't on her own, hands that protected and comforted her when she felt her most vulnerable, lips that let her know that she was still worthy of affection, eyes that eased her panic and reassured her that she would be okay and that she was cared for, and words that lacked accompanied orchestral strings or even an acceptable amount of adjectives, yet managed to say all that was necessary in the moment.

Honestly, she wasn't sure how she would have taken to a grand gesture in that situation specifically. As she considered the hypothetical situation, she didn't feel she would have been receptive at all. In the grand gestures she dreamed of, she'd be wearing something pretty; her and her mystery person would be somewhere romantic, not some frosty motel in Jersey City, and it wouldn't be at half past three in the morning, it would be late afternoon or early evening. Rachel pondered what exactly that meant in regards to her expectations of love and romance, knowing that it had never been entirely grounded in reality.

She'd never accounted for reality all that often in that sense, because she'd never allowed herself to; she wasn't sure that she had the heart to refrain from disclosing to her future potential romantic partners, and it seemed to be a fairly recurring theme that trans people had difficulty finding people who were okay with them being trans and having that history. It wasn't that she'd resigned herself to being alone all her life, but she knew there would very likely be a lot of obstacles when it came to finding romance, and so reality wasn't something she enjoyed thinking about. At all. Rachel often dreamed instead.

It was a big reason why she was so desperate for love, and had so much difficulty in real life relationships, because her dreams were out of sync with reality. It wasn't as if people couldn't live up to her dreams, it's just that she had no expectations for anything in reality in that way, and didn't know how to handle any of it without diverting to how she would have treated things in her dreams, which often ended happily ever after. It didn't take long to learn they didn't translate; her romantic endeavours almost always ended in failure and humiliation. She'd just thought that one day, somehow her dreams would translate to reality, and it would all be alright.

Rachel finished up her routine and peeked out the bathroom door at the sleeping brunette sprawled sideways across the sheet-less mattress, one arm hugging her waist while the other clutched a pillow loosely. She smiled at the girl, a little in awe of how the former cheerleader had managed to ground her just hours ago, while expressing a full-hearted affection for her that had felt so real that for a few moments, she almost forgot about how dysphoric she'd been feeling. Rachel had heard Finn's confessions of love before, she'd heard the same thing from Jesse, but their words had never rung true, there was always some need or condition attached to the words to qualify them. Santana sang every word so simply and carefully, using all she had at her disposal to help Rachel receive the message she was sending. And for the first time outside of her dreams, it was received.

And Rachel wasn't sure what to do about that. It might not have been love, certainly not the romantic kind; any microscopic chance she may have had at the start was most likely demolished from the other girl witnessing her in such a pathetic state. Vomiting, sobbing, and appearing weak weren't exactly turn-ons by most standards, so with her trans status on top of all that, she'd gladly accept friendship. So even though Santana was ruled out as the loving girl of her dreams, what the girl offered was something strong enough to give her pause, and had her intrigued.

She stepped out of the bathroom toward the girl and the empty mattress, finding it utterly endearing, even if unsanitary, that the former cheerleader drooled in her sleep. Rachel noticed, however, that Santana was shivering a little, which wasn't a surprise due to the always on and always frigid air conditioning in the room and the fact that the girl hadn't bundled up like the other night. Carefully, she spread the girl's new blanket and the comforter from the other bed over the girl, who smiled sleepily at the new found warmth as she maneuvered to get more comfortable in her sideways position. It was nice to be able to do something for the slightly taller girl, given how Santana had helped her earlier.

Sure, the former cheerleader had been a little forceful in spots when Rachel had been more than a little emotionally unstable and desperate, but it was clear that Santana cared for her, and worried about her. If nothing else, she knew that, and Rachel Barbra Berry wasn't the sort of person who took without giving; no, she'd give back in whatever ways she could to show her appreciation and friendship. And apologizing for the girl losing sleep over her would be one of the first things, probably, because she did feel guilty that Santana ended up getting roped into dealing with two early morning interruptions.

Rachel sat herself at the top of the bed where the pillow probably should have been, working on new original material for next year, while Santana slept away the early morning hours. At least until an idea popped into her head. The diva quickly changed and rushed out of the hotel room, excited over the task at hand, especially given her newly reacquired appetite.

She knew she didn't have much time to spare; they would be taking the stage at one o'clock, only five hours from the time when she'd returned, two large bags in hand. Their scents seemed to rouse the sleeping girl, whose closed-eyed head popped up as Rachel neared, a curious hum escaping the girl's lips as she stretched her body out underneath the blankets.

Rachel quickly removed everything from the night-table between the beds and replaced it all with the breakfast she'd managed to grab from a local diner. It wasn't perfect, but she knew Santana liked batter based food, so she'd gotten her waffles along with some maple syrup, an assortment of fruit, and a small breakfast burrito. If she learned anything the previous morning, it was that Santana Lopez may not have been a morning person, but she was very much a breakfast person.

By the time Rachel had laid out all the food across the confined space, she felt something slightly bony rest on her shoulder, followed by hair tickling her cheek. "Mmmm…where'd you get all this? Are you some breakfast wizard or something?" the girl asked sleepily, her chin clearly resting on Rachel's shoulder, hands bracing herself on the diva's arms for the moment.

Rachel laughed at the accusation and slowly spun around, entirely amused by how dazed the other girl looked, staring at her breakfast as if it had appeared before her eyes without a rational explanation. "I just thought you'd be hungry…and I wanted to thank you. For your help and for staying up with me last night." She stated simply, drawing Santana's attention, who seemed to have gained a bit of clarity from her words.

The girl reached out a finger, uncertainly and lazily touching Rachel's smiling lips. "That's thanks enough. But I'm hungry too, so I'll totes get my eats on." Santana noted dazedly with a brief yawn, wiping her eyes as she turned to the food. "You used your faerie magic to conjure yourself something too, right?"

"Of course! While I didn't find a wealth of vegan food in the local area, I did find plenty of fruit and vegetables, which are perfectly suited for breakfast. It IS the most important meal of the day, after all." Rachel said cheerfully, pulling out some containers of chopped up mango, pineapple and apples, as well as a small salad of course, that she'd found at a small store on the way back.

"Alright, so long as you're eating and feeling okay. We're going to need you to be at the top of your game if we want to knock Vocal Adrenaline's cyborg asses off their golden throne." Santana noted, digging into her breakfast burrito with a massive bite.

Rachel sat down on the side of the bed and gave Santana a look. All week, the girl had seemed fairly confident in their songs; it was unsettling that the former cheerleader doubted them at the eleventh hour. "Why do you say that?"

"No pressure, you're basically leading both of our numbers and on a great day you alone would probably get us top five. But in the group number, the white rhino, Mercedes and Finn haven't been good enough in their choreography, and I don't trust Finn on your duet." Santana explained between bites. "Look, if they're even average for our team as a whole, then it'll be a miracle and we'll probably win, but as is I'm not sure 'Light Up The World' is a strong enough finisher to make up for those three's uncoordinated asses. I'm sorry for being cautiously pessimistic."

She wasn't going to lie and say Santana didn't make any sense; Mercedes' laziness and outright lack of effort on anything outside vocals had always been a concern, Lauren's lack of commitment and coordination had been a hurdle since she'd joined, and Finn's dancing ability and sense of timing had sadly not improved much at all since he joined in sophomore year. Their group had managed to pull through even with those flaws, but she understood what Santana was getting at; they were going for the nationals trophy, and the margin for error was miniscule. The fact that Vocal Adrenaline's robotic performances had earned them a long winning streak was proof that choreography and technical perfection were strongly valued by the judges. "Can we do anything about it right now?" Rachel asked, knowing full well the answer to her question.

"No. But next year, we need to get the team's dancing on par. We'll just have to see how much it costs us today." Santana noted as she finished her breakfast burrito. "Look, I hate to be a downer, but I've trained with Coach Sue. I know what it takes to win, and while I think we can place, I think everyone will have to bring their A-game to get a podium finish. I mean, for the showcase you'll be doing what, 'Get it Right'? And we'll follow that up with that Umbrella/Singin' in the Rain mash-up? Or is it 'Loser Like Me'? Whatever it ends up being, it's not impossible, but it's going to be really hard. Let's just…have fun out there. Show off what we can do and everything. Give New York a glimpse at Hurricane Berry that'll be storming the city in just over a year."

Rachel blushed at the compliment and swatted at the girl's arm before flopping down onto the bed, seriously considering their chances for the first time since they'd arrived. She'd always held herself to high standards, and held others to them too, but she'd never cracked the whip, or been able to get Mr. Schuester to crack the whip. Glee was always a monumental amount of fun, but most of the team treated it like a hobby instead of a real competition, and it showed in their commitment levels. The cheer-leading trio was always hitting their potential, something she found herself thankful for throughout the span of glee's existence, while Mike, Tina and Artie pretty much gave their all as well, usually doing well to make up for their weaknesses. She always found Finn to be a solid leading man, the best they had at least, but he was often inconsistent and wouldn't put in the effort to improve that she wanted him to. Puck readily admitted that glee wasn't a priority, and Lauren was there because of free chocolate. Sam was an average singer, though he was at least well coordinated, if untrained, in his dancing. Mercedes had a great voice, but she had a tendency to not want to move, so they often had to water down choreography to fit her in, which made everyone but perhaps Brittany and Mike look worse. Santana was right; they would have to work on their choreography in their senior year if they wanted to be true contenders instead of underdogs.

"Well...at least the dresses we're wearing don't look like they're from the seventies." Rachel stated quietly, Santana choking a little on her orange juice as she tried to stifle her laughter.

"Hey, our ones during sectionals were good. Quinn and Tina picked them out. And regionals…well, they were really…blue…but they weren't vomit-inducing. I guess. But yeah, black's a good look on me. At least we'll go out looking hot as hell, and I'd be pretty happy with a top five." Santana remarked playfully, sitting down on the bed across from Rachel. She wasn't sure that she'd look 'hot as hell', but maybe 'decently attractive'. Perhaps 'unconventionally pretty', if she was lucky enough, though it wasn't as if she filled the dress out all that nicely.

Rachel smiled at the girl; despite Santana's 'cautiously pessimistic' mindset, Rachel was still confident that they had a chance at winning, and any chance was a good chance. That they would mostly look like winners only made her believe that much more. "I still think we can do it." She whispered, nodding to herself as she mentally went over all the talent their club hosted, all the growth over the past school year. They were ready for the challenge, Rachel just knew it.

Santana gave her a long, appraising look before a smirk overtook her lips. "And that, Berry, is why you're captain. Just wanted to see how much you really believed in us." The girl said slyly, reaching over to muss Rachel's hair up before heading into the bathroom and closing the door.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh. Santana Lopez wasn't at all what she'd expected. Not at all.


	5. Chapter 5

Santana Lopez was livid, pacing the tarmac outside their hotel so thoroughly that she wondered if she'd eventually wear it down into a trench. And honestly, even hours later, she still felt like going to war over what happened. All morning, their glee club prepared for their competition tirelessly. The three runs through the numbers were done well enough to the point that for a little while, Santana thought they might have been able to pull it off. It was as if there was a fairy that magically lessened the group's flaws and had them all working as hard as they could. Her hopes had risen, and she had been just as excited as she was before winning her first cheerleading nationals trophy, which was about as excited as she'd ever been in her entire life. So it was pretty serious.

But Finn ruined everything. Throughout 'Pretending', he'd been spot on, hitting all the notes as well as could be expected, and performing the simple choreography properly. But he'd kissed Rachel. On stage. In front of everyone. They, all week, had done more than a dozen runs through the song, and he had never, ever tried for that, and Santana couldn't believe he'd take such a pivotal moment in the competition to shit the bed.

So she was livid. Livid that Finn had singlehandedly ruined the song and the momentum they'd built throughout it. Livid that they hadn't even placed in the top ten showcase, and they wouldn't be performing Sunday morning like they'd hoped to be. Livid that they absolutely nailed 'Light Up the World', that they nailed ninety nine percent of both numbers, performances that had her feeling like they could have won.

Rachel had been right, and it was heart-wrenching to have the bumbling idiot cost them what they'd worked so hard to accomplish. But really, aside from the hatred of missing out on that feeling of worthiness that came with winning, Santana was livid that Rachel had been so crestfallen after hearing they didn't advance. Hell, she was livid that the girl who worked hard enough to at least deserve a spot on the showcase wasn't able to go because one of her supporting cast made a massive mistake. The girl who believed in them all so wholeheartedly lost her second day on stage in New York. It wasn't fair, especially after their podium-quality performance.

She'd already been ejected from the hotel twice for trying to murder the jolly green giant, who still thought he'd helped their performance with the kiss for some inexplicable reason, which had left her to pace outside for hours. Santana wasn't sure just how long, but it was probably early evening, so it had likely been three hours at least since learning the results, and perhaps two and a quarter hours since her second attempt on Finn's life.

"Santana?" she heard Quinn call out behind her, prompting her pacing to stop momentarily. "I know you're upset and all…"

"Upset?! If you're not here to tell me you went all Highlander on his pudgy, lumpy ass, then please, just let me calm down on my own." Santana growled out at the blonde who was standing a safe distance away.

"I know you're angry, I get it, it's just…Schue wants to know if you want to go to the group dinner tonight. I figured I'd ask, and let you know that maybe you could move your pacing inside if we're all going to be gone. It looks like it's going to rain." Quinn explained calmly; she'd always appreciated the fact that the blonde was never afraid of her. Sure, they tended to rile each other up all the time, but they at least knew how to take each other's shit.

"Whatever. I'll go inside when I want." Santana remarked flippantly, basically telling the girl she'd take her advice in a few minutes, when they've all left. "Have fun at the damn dinner, cut me off a slab of Finn's bacon for later, will you?"

Quinn just laughed, though it was clear she wasn't in the best of moods still. Santana had never understood why Quinn had invested herself in the man child, even if her investment wasn't necessarily based on love. She knew the blonde was still hurting for being temporarily second place to Rachel yet again, an action that clearly wounded her pride every time it happened. Quinn had never been truly happy with the boy, or any of the guys at McKinley, and Santana just wanted her friend to be happy for once, in her own skin, without a man to define who she was and what she'd be. So what if she dipped into some of Quinn's books on feminism that the blonde mysteriously never seemed to apply to herself, whatever. It was good advice, she just hoped Quinn would get the courage to follow it eventually and stop living for everyone else. Santana hoped that Finn's kiss could, in a way, be a force of good to fix the blonde's mindset. It was the only silver lining for that catastrophe that Santana could think of.

Eventually she headed inside when it started raining, soon finding herself alone in her frigid, empty room. She'd calmed down slightly, even if she was still more than a little pissed off, but certainly enough to where she could watch a movie on her laptop and relax a little. Her body was starving, she hadn't eaten since breakfast, and it was nearing seven thirty, but she needed to calm down enough so that when she went, she wouldn't commit homicide against random pedestrians.

As she neared the end of 'Before Sunset', one half of the pair of movies that were part of her 'calm-down collection', she heard the door quietly open and close. Santana didn't move her focus away from the laptop, as she didn't really know what to say to the diva, and she really didn't want to take the chance of getting angry again if Rachel defended Finn. So she just kept staring at the screen, tracking Rachel in her periphery as the girl cautiously moved across the room and into the bathroom. It was when the film ended that she lost any practical wall she could hide behind.

So she closed her computer, slid it under the bed and laid down on top of it, waiting. She wasn't sure what she wanted Rachel to say; she wasn't at all sure what she expected from the diva, so she just waited, hoping she wouldn't fuck things up too much with the brunette.

She listened as Rachel eventually walked out of the bathroom onto the old carpet, her feet carrying her slowly across to room to the empty bed across from Santana. "I'm sorry."

Santana's eyebrows furrowed at the statement, not liking that Rachel was apologizing. It hadn't been her that put them in a terrible position. It wasn't the diva's fault they lost. "Don't be. You were right."

"What?" she heard the girl ask, the word coming out hastily, signaling her apparent shock. Santana understood that the last time Rachel saw her, she was being held back by five people in her attempt to murder Finn, so she supposed it was a fair response.

"We were good enough. I didn't believe it fully at first, but we were good enough. We were amazing." Santana spoke quietly to the ceiling. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Rachel scoffed at that, and Santana knew that the girl was taking the blame on her shoulders again. After their regionals loss in their sophomore year, the girl had worked the club into a frenzy in an attempt to make them better. Or, at least, she tried to, but most didn't cooperate. Rachel had always needed to be good enough; it was probably just habit that even though others held her back, she was probably thinking she wasn't good enough to make up for it.

"But I kissed…" Rachel started, and Santana really didn't want to have any part in a two-way conversation about that, so she sat up in bed and couldn't help but glare at the girl.

"You HAD to. Finn started it, and as soon as he did, we were fucked. It didn't matter if you kissed him back, if you pushed him away, or if you stood there like a statue. He kissed you and you kissed back because of whatever reason you had, but you didn't start it. So just…I just spent a few hours getting over my rage, I'd really like to not get angry again." Santana ranted, staring hard at Rachel who, to her surprise, was staring just as hard back.

"It may not have been planned, and perhaps it might have dropped us down a little bit in the standings but I'm not certain it impacted our rank more than Quinn and Lauren being sharp in their backing vocals during…" Rachel started arguing, and Santana couldn't help but see red. She really didn't want to get angry at the diva, but she didn't understand why the girl was defending it. It made no sense; Rachel had always, always been by the book when it came to competitions. And really, Quinn and Lauren had been perfectly fine, which meant Rachel was making excuses. For Finn.

"It was SILENT! The whole fucking crowd, aside from Schue, was SILENT, Rachel! It messed with the entire momentum we built into that song, so it would lead into 'Light Up the World' the way it needed to, so cut the shit and stop trying to convince yourself that it didn't matter, because we should have won and moved on!" Santana roared, surprised to find herself off the bed and standing at the side of where Rachel was sitting. She wasn't exactly sure when she left her bed, but it didn't seem to matter much. "That's why it hurt so much, because if that kiss didn't happen, and we were average as always and finished eighth, I would have been happy and celebrating and whatever, but we were amazing!"

Rachel's hard defense, however short-lived, was completely eradicated, the girl leaning back away from Santana in her bed. "Santana, I know you're angry, but…please, you need to calm down."

Santana shook her head, but decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to start pacing again. That always kind of helped. "Freshman year, we were all gearing up for nationals in Atlanta. Sue was giving us all kinds of shit about us being lazy and horrible swamp babies and that we could never win. It was her usual spiel, but I could see that she really didn't think we had a chance that year. The seniors were too inconsistent, the juniors and sophomores were just average, and all the clutch players were inexperienced freshman, too green for Sue to really trust." Santana started as calmly as possible, figuring that maybe Rachel would understand if she understood where she was coming from. "Quinn was head cheerleader and thought we probably weren't as good as one of those schools from South Carolina or whatever. Britt was really excited, but she knew a lot of the other girls were better than us technically, and more experienced. I was just so excited to be there, to compete, and even though we scraped through in some qualifiers and at our regionals, I really believed that we could kick everyone's asses there."

Santana stopped her pacing at the foot of Rachel's bed. "I believed in our team, flaws and all, because I knew that we wanted it. We wanted it, and that was all that mattered. We'd step up, we'd be the best we'd ever been, because we had to be. I knew that, and I told everyone as much before we went on." She continued, bracing her right arm on the girl's bed post. "And we fucking won. Britt was sensational, I made every flip perfectly, and Quinn improvised and hit a maneuver she hasn't been able to repeat to this day. We were hungry, and we wanted it, and we went out and got it. Because all of us, in the clutch, BELIEVED. You know how rare that is?"

"So don't fucking tell me we didn't go out there and do the same thing, don't tell me that we didn't all believe we could do it after you pushed us hard this morning! I haven't felt like that since freshman year and it HURT. It hurt to know we did it, we could have felt good about ourselves for once, and that bastard decided that a flair for the dramatic was a good fucking idea when our performance was already epic enough!" she yelled, taking heavy breaths and picturing Finn being decapitated with a greatsword in an attempt to calm herself. After a few seconds she felt stable enough to speak again, even though her eyes were unwilling to meet Rachel's. She just didn't understand why Berry wasn't more upset, why the diva hadn't reacted like she normally would in situations where the competition was blown, or where Rachel didn't get what she wanted.

"We had it. We deserved to move on. We…you worked so hard for this and you deserved better, so if you're going to defend him over this, just don't talk to me, because I don't understand."

With that, Santana decided it was high time she showered, so she grabbed some clothes and hastily escaped into the bathroom, needing some time to make sense of things.

* * *

Rachel sat on her bed in the aftermath of Santana's furious ranting. Logically, she knew the girl had a point. They HAD put together performances worthy of winning the title, and certainly good enough to advance, even IF Lauren and Quinn happened to go sharp on a stray note or two. She'd really tried to believe they had a chance of winning after they left the stage, but logically, she knew it wasn't likely. Rachel would have mourned the loss had she not been mentally preoccupied.

The kiss had been interesting. Rachel wasn't sure if she entirely regretted it, so much as she wished it had occurred after they'd finished performing and gotten off the stage, or maybe during the winner announcements during the next morning's showcase. Then, it would have still been in front of a crowd, perhaps celebrating a victory built on the foundation of their performance together. Still, it was nice to know Finn liked her, though it had entirely caught her off guard, seeing as he'd been hounding after Quinn all trip long. It was confusing, and despite her low self esteem when it came to endeavours of romance, she found it suspicious more than anything, especially given their history.

Not only that, but it was disconcerting in a much more fundamental way. Rachel had always loved grand gestures in film, and that kiss was basically fresh off the script of a modern musical dramedy. A dramatic kiss at the end of a song, in front of an audience, to proclaim one's love for another was something she'd long dreamed of. Yet, when it happened, there was something missing.

She appreciated the drama of it all, certainly, and that she was being shown affection, but it didn't come across as entirely sincere, nor did it make her feel much of anything. Even singing on the set of Wicked with Kurt felt more uplifting and emotional than that kiss, and she didn't know how to react to it. Rachel wanted to be swooning over it, she wanted to be overwhelmed by love, and she wanted to react how she had in her dreams, like she always had, but everything was different. She couldn't even sincerely defend the kiss to Santana without internally cringing. It was depressing; she didn't think it was too much to ask that the dream-like moment would feel good, like she always thought it would. It had been perfect, according to her checklist, so why hadn't it FELT perfect?

She just wanted being wanted to feel right. It didn't seem like it was too much to ask. Rachel never really asked for all that much, anyway.

"Rachel? Are you alright?" she heard, snapping her out of her thoughts; her temporary roommate was standing just out of the bathroom's doorway, looking at her worriedly. It took Rachel a moment to even consider a response, Santana's sorrowful and deep brown eyes pinning her in place as the girl stepped out of the doorway, biting her lower lip in a way Rachel likely shouldn't have considered alluring given that the action seemed entirely out of worry.

"I'm fine, I…" she choked out, confusedly halting her words as she tried to understand why her voice was so strained, or why she felt a tickle on her face. _Have I been crying? How did I not notice that?_ She thought, wiping her cheeks of the tears that had streamed down them without her noticing.

Santana made her way over to Rachel, pulling her off the bed into a warm, soft hug. "Why are you crying?" The girl whispered, her voice barely audible even with their proximity. It was hard to hear much of anything over the loud heartbeat pounding in her chest and the blood rushing through her skull from blushing.

"I don't know." Rachel answered in a similar tone; she mostly was certain of why, but she didn't feel like talking about it. Santana nodded against her cheek, seeming to accept that much without question.

"Why don't I order in some of that crazy vegan pizza, and we can just wind down, alright? I…" Santana started, letting out a breathy growl, followed closely by a tired sounding sigh. Rachel nodded, feeling like some comfort food after only having a small salad for dinner due to her nerves. And also, while she couldn't see the girl's face from where her head was nestled into Santana's neck, she could imagine it was full of conflict given the noises San was making and how tense she was. With that in mind, Rachel gave Santana a little squeeze, hoping to encourage her to continue whatever was on her mind. "Fuck it…look, I…I want us to be okay, Rachel." Santana spoke, pulling Rachel even closer, leaning her head against the diva's.

As she processed the rest of the statement, she pulled back, looking into Santana's deep brown eyes, clearly recognizing guilt when she saw it, along with a healthy helping of nerves and a hint of a defensive glint in the girl's eyes. "Why wouldn't we be okay?" she asked, giving the taller girl a questioning look, legitimately not understanding why the girl could insinuate that Rachel was upset with her.

"I flipped out at you. I shouldn't have done that, alright? You didn't deserve it, even if I don't understand you sometimes." Santana noted guiltily, her face scrunching up ever so slightly as she fought emotion, clearly trying to hold a straight, unaffected expression and failing. Rachel hadn't ever considered the prospect of Santana being upset over the possibility that Rachel was upset with her. It didn't really make much sense at all, but she wanted the taller girl to understand she wasn't mad at her. And she had really liked that hug, so she pulled the girl in again and wrapped her arms around her tightly. Besides, it was kind of nice to know that Santana was worried about having possibly scared her earlier.

"I forgive you, if that's what you're getting at, Santana. I was never angry at you, I was just feeling confused and insecure, and we weren't at all on the same plane of conversation at the time. You were angry at Finn and upset about losing, and I…I was confused and upset with myself for how I've felt ever since that all happened. So we're fine, and I'd love pizza." Rachel explained, enjoying how one of the girl's hands rose up her back and just held her close. As if Santana didn't want to let her go. It was comforting, relaxing.

"If you ever need someone to talk to or…well, a shoulder for whatever…you know what I'm saying." Santana fumbled out, sounding nervous for some reason. "And cool, because I ordered the pizza five minutes ago in the bathroom from some shady place called Georgio's Pizza and Kebabs. They had the largest selection of vegan stuff and rabbit food, so I figured they'd be okay."

Rachel laughed into Santana's shoulder, finding the situation a little amusing. _Of course Santana would order before asking me…but I suppose we didn't have lunch, and she didn't come to dinner, so perhaps she was hungry anyway. It IS thoughtful for her to have gotten vegan food in case I wanted some…and it's nice that she doesn't have to let me go to place her order either…she's surprisingly comfy…_

Eventually, she felt goosebumps over Santana's bare skin, and quickly realized the girl was in their mostly freezing hotel room wearing a tank top and a nearly nonexistent pair of sleep shorts. She moved to leave, and Santana reluctantly let her go, smiling sadly at her. Rachel just returned the smile and pulled the ex-cheerleader into bed and under the covers so the girl could keep warm, while she rested atop them in preparation for when the food would be delivered.

"I wasn't that cold…you're like the human torch or something. A tiny human torch." Santana spoke playfully, getting comfortable under the sheets and propping the pillows up so that she could sit up a little bit.

Rachel shook her head, grinning at yet another strange reference to her body heat. "I don't feel all that toasty most times. But if you say so." Rachel stated, grabbing her notebook and flipping it open, wondering if maybe she could get a head start at senior year and write some more original songs.

"I do. I'm like a lizard, needing something warm to make me warm. I know these things." The girl said, stretching out a little bit before settling back against the pillows. "You're lucky, you know?"

Rachel raised her head at the question, not having felt particularly lucky as of late. "Why is that?" she asked simply, really unsure of what the other girl was getting at. She didn't feel particularly fortunate for having good circulation and a supposedly warm body.

"Music, acting, dancing… isn't even work for you, but it's what you want to make a career out of. I mean, it'll be hard, but you'll at least have fun doing it. Not too many people have fun doing what they do for a living." Santana elaborated, smiling kindly at her. It was true that it wasn't work for her, or at least burdensome work.

"I might not make it, Santana. There's a lot of competition, and very few leading roles." Rachel noted firmly; it was too soon after too hard of a loss to even think about success on Broadway.

"You will. You've got that whole triple threat thing going on… you have everything working in your favour, Berry." Santana said waving her hand as if she could so easily dismiss her insecurities. As if her talents and abilities alone would see her through to success.

"I don't have everything going for me, Santana." Rachel said quietly, ducking her head. Her Broadway prospects were always held just barely in balance; one slip could kill them entirely. A single sentence, even.

Santana grumbled for a moment, shifting from her spot to get closer to Rachel, surprising the diva by grabbing her around the waist and plopping the diva onto her lap. "Now look, I was a bitch and made fun of your craziness and your nose and shit all the time because it was the only thing aside from your clothes that I could find to make fun of, really. And don't even tell me you're not pretty. You think Idina Menzel wasn't worried about how perfectly square her face is when she was auditioning? But she could sing, act and dance, and she got starring roles in Wicked and Rent. Look at Kristen Chenoweth's forehead! She doesn't give a shit! She shows it off whenever she can, and she's a legend too. Barbra had her nose, and she made it. Patti Lupone's nose is way bigger and more hawkish than yours, and she did fine. Laura Linney's about as plain as you can get, and she's won what, three Emmys and been up for three Tonys and Oscars?"

"But those women are legends of Broadway, I'm…I'm just Rachel Berry from Lima, Ohio." She spoke, feeling intimidated that Santana had grouped her up with such massive names. She was acutely aware of their accomplishments, and she was still a green high-schooler with lofty ambitions and few stage performances on her resume outside of musical theater camp productions.

"My point is that they looked like they did before they got their big break. So your face is gonna be totes awesome enough when you hit up New York, alright? Nothing to worry about." Santana said cheerfully, nuzzling her nose into the back of Rachel's head; a cute gesture, even if it couldn't take her thoughts away from the other obstacle she was dealing with.

Rachel fiddled with the hem of her sweater for a few moments, not sure whether she felt she should talk about that sort of thing with the girl, but she also didn't like bottling it up. She never had, and it was always such a burden to stay quiet and have her diary as her sole reliable outlet. Her parents had pretty much given her the green light and had been supportive, but they never really felt like talking to her about her issues too often, and online support groups lacked the face to face interactions she so desperately desired. "I still have to deal with my other issue, Santana."

The girl behind her was quiet for a few moments, perhaps half a minute, before hugging her a little tighter. "Nothing you can't overcome, Rach. You have options…and, well, even if you don't want to use the, um, permanent ones, that whole scene is pretty LGBT friendly anyway, right? Either way, you'll be fine, alright?" Santana asked, her head burrowing into the top of Rachel's shoulder as she hugged the diva as if she were trying to get Rachel to fuse into her.

Rachel smiled at how reassuring the girl was trying to be, despite being clearly and surprisingly worried. She chided herself internally for being as shocked as she was, considering how open and helpful the girl had been; it was just that she'd gone so long without anyone to talk to, and her former tormentor was there wanting to help. It was still surreal, given their history.

Taking a deep breath, Rachel nodded. "I…I'm getting it done over the winter break. I need to turn eighteen first, and I'm booked for the day afterward. I might miss the first week or two of school in the new year, depending on how it goes…and it'll take a while to get back into dancing shape, too. But it's happening." She explained with vague terms, not feeling up to being specific. Not that she really needed to, feeling Santana's breath hitch as the girl nodded against her shoulder. She knew it was a lot to take in, not only that she was scheduled for surgery, but that she was turning eighteen; the lost year from moving across the country, the legal hassle of getting her documentation changed, and her fathers' accidental halfway botching of her homeschooling that year was something she really didn't prefer to bring up. She'd be an adult a few short months before Santana would.

"And…you'll be happier? More comfortable?" the girl asked, her words muffled as they met Rachel's torso rather than her ears.

Rachel thought about the decision she'd made. Her extra appendage had never felt natural, it had never felt like it was hers in any real sense. And since puberty, it had only been impeding on her life and terrorizing her, especially with her hormone regimen not being strong at all. She knew some other girls like her didn't mind what they were born with, and that was their prerogative, but Rachel had wanted it gone or altered for years and years, and could only imagine she'd be happier changing it. That she'd be more comfortable. Still, the undercurrent of those thoughts always carried the notion that she'd be flawed.

She'd never give birth. She'd have to dilate and take hormones regularly for the rest of her life. She was born with some wrong equipment, and in a world where most considered one's sex to be black and white, she couldn't help but think she wouldn't feel as real as she desperately wanted to be afterward. Rachel had seen what some people called it online. She always tried not to let the words get to her, but they burned themselves into her memory time and time again. To them, she'd have a 'fuckhole', a 'fauxgina', a 'gash'; she'd be 'mutilated'. To her, no matter what other people said, it'd still be better than what had been hanging between her legs, and if she really tried, she was sure she'd feel confident after the procedure, but it was a crippling ache knowing what so many thought of what she'd have.

"Yes. But still…not…not like a cis girl is." Rachel whispered shakily, verbalizing her biggest insecurity to another person for the first time since she was five and a half, when she forced her parents to confront what she was dealing with. She knew she couldn't expect Santana to truly understand, and that knowledge only made tears well up in her eyes, knowing she'd opened up to someone who couldn't possibly comfort her, not when the ex-cheerleader was already perfect. Not when anyone could look at Santana and just know that she was close to the epitome of the female form. Rachel tried desperately not to fall into bad habits of envying other girls, knowing it just brought her despair and bitterness, but she knew she could never compare to Santana. One was womanly, and one was a mess of slightly feminine traits at the best of times.

Immediately, Rachel felt Santana's soft lips on her shoulder, leaving a burning, lingering kiss on her skin before they moved slowly, tantalizingly across the expanse toward the nape of her neck. Rachel closed her eyes, trying to will the tears away as her body froze in place, just trying to focus on the sudden sensations Santana's affection was causing her instead of the anxiety bubbling up. It was confusing, but it overwhelmed thoughts of her flaws, and that was enough right now.

"Santana…what…" she breathed out as the girl's lips placed a searing kiss to her pulse point, eliciting a gasp as Santana's teeth gently nipped her sensitive skin, tan hands caressing her stomach and sides as if they were being explored.

"Would you prefer my way of telling you the truth, or Brittany's?" Santana asked breathlessly, placing another kiss slightly above the last, inching toward her jaw line, Rachel's stomach doing acrobatics with every touch, every hot breath, every bit of pressure from Santana's torso pushing against her back.

Feeling a little overwhelmed, she took a deep breath and tried to focus on her ability to speak. "Brittany's." Truly, it wasn't exactly what she wanted, but it seemed like the safer option, before Santana did anything she'd regret later on. Rachel didn't want to lose their friendship over Santana's libido firing up randomly and her being the only target available. That, and it'd likely mean less hugs and affection in the future if the former cheerleader regretted it; if Santana was too sexually frustrated or delusional to understand that she was doing things with her, Rachel would protect them both.

And with that one word, the kisses stopped, Santana's chin taking residence once again on her electrified shoulder. "You walk like a girl, Rachel. You talk like a girl. And you look like a girl. So you're a girl. A REAL girl." Santana noted simply, drawing a stupefied giggle out of Rachel's throat.

"Did…did you just use duck logic on me?" Rachel asked, gasping with laughter, wiping her eyes with her hands. She had expected a few different responses, perhaps a strange rambling message about unicorns or rainbows, but certainly not that.

"You DO know Britt, right? She's like, obsessed with the cute little things." Santana stated cheerfully, giving her a light squeeze that just served to recover the heat from just seconds before, Rachel's body flushing with arousal. There in Santana's lap, she couldn't really feel much of anything but a dull ache below, and it was so hard to not just melt into the slight affectionate gesture. "Are you satisfied with the truth or…do I need to elaborate?" the girl's voice lowered into a husky tone she'd never heard from the ex-cheerleader before, and it sent legitimate shivers down her spine. She needed to stop this, she needed to keep anyone from doing something they'd regret for the rest of their lives, but it was so hard.

 _Why do I have to fight her off when I'm finally…finally feeling the least bit wanted…truly wanted. She may come to regret it later on, but…_ She clenched her eyes shut as memories of past relationships and the lack of intimacy swirled through her mind, fresh tears slipping out. _I mean, she's probably just delusional right now, but she could be a chaser…and…and I'm not sure I could handle that…I don't want to be used…_

Rachel gulped, trying to fight off her anxiety and fear of getting intimate. It was just too new, feeling sincerely wanted by someone, especially when her brain was shooting up red flags over the idea of someone being remotely attracted to her after knowing she was trans. It had always been hard enough knowing no one was supposed to be attracted to her, and that it was dangerous for people to take interest; she'd used her fashion sense to ward off any suitors and save both sides from humiliation and pain. People knowing she was trans and still engaging her was worse, because it was dangerous, and it made little sense. It had her insides flipping and twisting, and her mind racing for possible explanations and ways to reduce her anxiety, but in the background was a tiny voice telling her it was good to be wanted for once. It was the same gut instinct that had steered her wrong before, but it was so hard to deny herself whenever she was reminded of it.

Sure, Finn had wanted her in a way, but he'd always also wanted Quinn as well, which made it a chore to decipher if he was with her only because Quinn wouldn't put out, or if he was going to go back to Quinn because she herself wouldn't put out. Still, he was simple and predictable, and wasn't a threat to her in the relationship, she hadn't been about to out herself to him. Hence the vocalized plan to have sex at twenty five, as a deterrent to pressure her into sex, and Finn had been good about it, all things considered. Santana's motivations were more or less unknown, but she was willing to take the foolish risk right then, wanting to be the center of the girl's attention again. Wanting that affection she'd denied herself for so long.

"I…may require more convincing." She spoke, her voice strained from nervousness and anticipation, hoping she made the right decision, even if she knew the odds weren't in her favour. Rachel knew they'd both regret it, probably within a few minutes, but no one had ever touched her like Santana had moments before, and it had awoken a hunger in her from a body that had been starved for intimacy and affection.

Santana pressed another soft kiss against her skin, on the edge of her other shoulder that time. "I had a crush on you in freshman year, you know?" the girl asked, and no, Rachel hadn't known. At all. In fact, she'd never seen any evidence of such an amorous disposition, but if she was honest, she wasn't the most perceptive when it came to seeing positive reactions of others. Generally, she was always too preoccupied looking out for negative ones.

Still, it made no sense that the former cheerleader would have been into her, given that Santana didn't show any attraction across the years, and given how Santana had treated her and her mousy, conservative appearance. The girl placed another electric kiss on her sensitive shoulders, once again leading closer to Rachel's neck, her thoughts being temporarily jumbled by the burst of heat rippling through her. "I wasn't sure about my sexuality yet, but I heard you singing 'As If We Never Said Goodbye' in the halls after cheer practice one day, just…you were freaking gliding around the school, lost in some dream world, and I couldn't look away. I kinda followed you until you finished, and I don't think my heart had ever beaten so fast."

Rachel remembered that day; even with Santana's affections making a mess of her mind, she could clearly remember. She'd been pining to join Glee club, but Sandy Ryerson seemed like he was much too interested in young boys for her to feel comfortable around him, so she'd often spent a few minutes singing around in the halls after practicing her vocal exercises in the auditorium. The choir room, after all, hadn't been available to her, and after practicing she was usually in a singing mood.

"You…you listened to me?" she asked, her breath hitching as soft lips and playful teeth reached the base of her neck; Rachel's skin was aflame from the girl's touches and hot breath, and she was trying her best not to writhe on top of Santana's lap. It was a failed endeavour, but the effort was there.

"I heard you. I saw you. Even with the animal sweaters and argyle, you were seriously so pretty, and it took me a long time to figure out why I was staring at you so often in the halls. And when I did…I got scared, and I started tossing slushies at you. I've given you seven. Seven too many." Santana continued, slowly and sensually working her way up Rachel's neck, the girl's hands softly massaging the diva's stomach, her fingertips applying positively delicious pressure. "But you started going after Finn and all the BOYS, and I got frustrated. It would have been too perfect for you to at least swing both ways, so I tried for Britt instead. At least SHE used to look at me back then, at least sometimes."

Rachel gasped as Santana lightly nipped at the skin over her artery after licking it. "I don't underst…oh wow…but…but you always insulted me…" she breathed out as Santana lingered near the midpoint of her neck, peppering it with her lips and tiny bites, little mewls escaping her captor's mouth as Rachel's skin was assaulted with delicious fervor. Her eyes widened as she began to realize that Santana was lightly panting and making these cute sounds for HER; that this incredibly beautiful, sexy ex-cheerleader roommate of hers was being greatly affected just by gracing Rachel with her touch. It was fascinating. It was also raising just about every mental red flag she had. If she wasn't so overcome with awe at how nice it felt, to put it lightly, she might have been able to pay more attention to how wrong it was.

"I've always been a bitch. I was just bitter as fuck on top of that. The girl who sang about happy days, romance, and endless love couldn't ever look at me like she did boys…especially Finn, the same boy who told me I meant nothing. And probably, like, at least ninety six percent of the girls in school could never like me like that, not to mention whether I liked THEM. Only one was willing to try and we didn't work out, so it was really frustrating. Being out would have been a nightmare, on top of that. So I got angry…jealous." Santana explained as she kissed her way up to the diva's jaw line, nipping at Rachel's earlobe playfully as Berry felt herself melt into the cheerleader she was sitting on, her brain losing its grasp on whatever possible reasons she might have had to stop what was happening. It was so hard to think clearly with Santana's lips on her skin, the girl's fingers slipping under her top to scrape against her abs.

"I'm a lesbian, Rachel. Girls are the goddamn wankiest things in the world to me, and you're near the top of my list, so you can worry that you're not a real girl..." Santana purred, placing quick tantalizing pecks across Rachel's cheek, blush blooming in her face from the spattering of careful, heated affection, her throat tightening to prevent a desperate moan from slipping out.

She felt Santana's hand on her other cheek, pulling her head around to face the ex-cheerleader's gaze. "But you're never going to convince me." Santana breathed, and suddenly the girl's lips were pressed against her own, and she could hardly contain the moan building in her throat as her mind went into overdrive.

Fireworks. A full orchestra playing some piece that she couldn't quite recall the name of. A whole universe of stars whose light and heat couldn't possibly compare to the heart that pounded in her chest in time with Santana's. A full audience giving a standing ovation on opening night. A flash-mob of butterflies and doves in a sunny meadow. And then she remembered that she was supposed to kiss back.

Just as those tantalizing lips seemed to be easing up, or perhaps just shifting their approach, Rachel's hand wrapped itself in the other girl's hair, keeping Santana's head still as she returned her affection, prolonging the soft, gentle pace. Rachel was thankful that Santana was clutching her so tightly because her entire body aside from her head felt like jelly, and the last thing she wanted to do was to stop melting back into the girl and her kiss.

She gasped when Santana nipped lightly at her bottom lip as the girl pulled away, a beaming smile and hope in her deep brown eyes. It hadn't been a long kiss, perhaps a few seconds, but it had been enough to take both of their breaths away, apparently. "Are you convinced now?" Santana asked, their faces barely an inch apart, reminder of their conversation prompting reality to come flooding back at breakneck speed.

 _Santana just…just kissed me. Santana Lopez just kissed me, all over and…and…I kissed a girl and I LIKED it._ She mused, thoughts storming through her mind as she tried to figure out how she felt about it all. _I liked it, but why would she want to kiss me? How can I believe what she's saying? She seems sincere, but it would be dangerous to just believe her without being cautious, wouldn't it? She could just have a fetish, but…but if she's telling the truth, she's liked me for a while, and I can understand what she's saying about being lonely and hurt and jealous, I do. I just…I want her to be safe for me, but is she really? She felt safe…when she kissed me. Maybe…maybe I just need to proceed with caution…_

Rachel wanted to nod as she broke away from her thoughts, but her eyes darted down to her crotch where the evidence of her arousal was showing, sending a wave of dysphoria rippling through her flushed body. Santana lightly gripped her chin and pulled her gaze back up again and away from the anchor that always seemed to keep her from her dreams. "That doesn't get to decide for you, okay?"

It was a difficult statement to respond to, given that Rachel was very much aware that the majority of people DID feel it decided the matter quite concretely. Deep down, Rachel knew she was a girl, that what was between her legs didn't matter, but outside of her parents and probably her doctor, she hadn't really come across anyone who fell onto her side of the argument before. And it filled her head with questions, her little red flags still flying strong.

 _I mean, when she says that…does she truly mean it? Or is she just saying it to tell me I should accept what I have? I know some people try to pressure people like me to keep what I have if they're interested in it and if she…if she's like that, then I'm in serious trouble…_ Rachel's thoughts were flashing through her mind so quickly she could barely find the focus to breathe, needing to find some calm memory to focus on and anchor herself to and keep her anxiety from growing any further. And while it was more than a little problematic, she couldn't help but recall Santana during their walk the other day, the storm in her mind trickling to a halt as she focused on the familiar scent of the girl she was basically sitting on. It wasn't a day she'd soon forget, and while it eased the pounding of her heart considerably, it brought on another, more depressing reality.

Rachel twisted around in Santana's lap and leaned in for a hug, wrapping her arms around her roommate. "It's just…you're so perfect, and I'm not. I can't be." Tears spilled from Rachel's eyes as she spoke, burying her face in the other girl's neck to try and quell her conflicted tears and gain a measure of safety. Rachel wanted to trust Santana, more than almost anything. She wanted to believe her. She truly wanted to be happy because of everything Santana had said and done, but she could still feel the depressing gap between them, the knowledge that the girl had everything she couldn't have.

"No one's perfect, alright?" Santana asked, though the question came across as desperately hollow, and Rachel couldn't help but scoff despite her best efforts not to, just wanting to feel better and accept the girl's comfort for once without being too critical in dissecting the words.

Rachel nearly jumped when she felt Santana's nose bury into her hair, finding it far more intimate of a situation than she deserved given her recent words and internal debates, but a light fluttering of the girl's lips against the crown of her head quelled any resistance. "Look…I've…I've never told anyone but my family about this, so just…don't tell anyone, okay? But…do you think I only got breast implants because I wanted attention?" Santana asked, and Rachel's eyebrows immediately shot up. That had been the reason that had floated through the halls of McKinley, and while Rachel had been skeptical that a girl like Santana could have such body-image issues, she'd eventually accepted it as fact. After all, everyone had their own obstacles, and difficulty was somewhat relative.

"My aunt died when she was thirty four from breast cancer, just over a year after I was born. My mom beat cancer when I was twelve. My cousin on my mom's side just had a lumpectomy and she's only twenty three. There isn't an unscarred woman on her side of the family that's older than fifty three, because cancer just runs through us like a tornado. I got a scare over the summer and…" Rachel felt her heart hammering in her chest at the confession, a slew of words storming throughout her mind as Santana's voice trailed off for the moment. Mostly, there were two words that ensured breath was evacuated from her lungs: death, and cancer. She couldn't help herself as her hands dug in against Santana's smooth back, suddenly needing to feel that the girl holding her was okay, that she was in one piece.

"I've already been to too many funerals, so I panicked and got my right breast tissue removed just in case. My parents tried to talk me out of it, because the odds were really tiny that it was cancer, but I just…I needed to do it, even if it was a false alarm. Girls our age have, like, denser breasts or some shit, and it makes it harder to tell if there's a tumor or whatever, and it's really risky to just ignore anything because it can grow really fast. So…I got it done. And because I felt a little…insecure with having a uni-boob on my chest, I got implants. My left feels different than my right…it's the only one I can really decently feel. Doctors say I might regain more sensation in time, but it's been a while, you know? I can feel it, but it's still dull, and not real sensitive. So my right's kind of just decoration, but it looks different even though I spared the nipple, and chances are by the time I'm twenty five or thirty, my left will be gone too. That basically means if I choose to have a kid down the line, I won't be able to breastfeed. And maybe a few years down the road one of my implants will burst, and my breast will deflate or get all funky…and, of course, THAT's natural. And I'll have to pay to get a new one put in, because my breasts make me insecure. But they don't make me less of a woman." Santana continued sadly, hugging Rachel tightly as she spoke, the tanned girl shaking ever so slightly as she enveloped the diva. Just by the tone in her voice, Rachel could tell that Santana rarely, if ever, voiced her concerns or thoughts on that part of her, and that it was still clearly a raw wound for her to deal with, mentally.

Rachel, in turn, just clutched onto the taller girl as she listened; she hadn't known much about the former cheerleader before, and she couldn't imagine how scared the girl must have been to take that sort of step at such a young age. So she'd offer as much support as possible, and do whatever she could to ensure Santana knew she had someone in her corner. That she'd picked a good person to trust with that history of hers.

It was morbidly nice to hear of someone else who went through the 'life versus functionality' argument, and came out choosing life, committing to it. At least, it was nice to know she could empathize to a degree. "I had no idea." Rachel whispered, her hands rubbing small circles on the small of Santana's back in hopes of calming her and showing her appreciation for the trust she was shown. "Who went with you?"

Santana was quiet for a moment or two. "I had my doctors there, they were nice, I knew them from the occasional potluck or whatever…my mom had flown out to work some project in Georgia the previous week and needed to be there. My dad was there for the start and came and saw me when he was done working. It…it was a Tuesday, and I told him I'd be fine." Santana whispered, leaning into her touch, which pleased Rachel, even though it was quickly forgotten as worry overcame her.

"Were Quinn or Brittany…?" Rachel started before trailing off, hoping Santana had her friends at her side, but the fact that they hadn't been mentioned seemed pretty obvious what the answer to her question was.

"They don't know." Santana replied softly, sighing with some relief as Rachel gently kneaded the tight muscles on her lower back. Rachel felt her eyes watering, imagining herself going in for surgery and having no one there to calm her, to distract her when she needed it, to tell her it would be alright. Potentially waiting hours for a friendly face to come around and make things better. To be there for her when she needed it most. While it shocked her that Santana hadn't told her best friends, yet was telling her, she couldn't help but be horrified. It horrified her to think Santana went through that alone. It was utterly heartbreaking to even fathom.

"Please be there…when…when I go under." Rachel choked out, biting her lip to distract herself from the tears streaming down her cheeks. "You tell me if you get another scare too, or I'll strap you down and force you to listen to Mr. Schuester's rapping for twenty four hours straight, no breaks." She mumbled, allowing herself a small smile as Santana started to giggle.

"That would be horrible! But you'd be there with me too, right?" Santana asked playfully, nuzzling the side of Rachel's head. It was a cute little action that immediately warmed her heart, brightening her mood enough to get something of a smile on her face.

"Of course I would. We would both have to endure the torturous performance. And you would have to live with experiencing that AND making me terribly worried and uncomfortable." Rachel answered as clearly as she could, trying to calm her emotions. Her roommate was just making too much physical contact in too many nice ways for her to process clearly, especially with her thoughts focused on both speaking and thinking about what the girl must have endured.

Santana pulled back out of the embrace just enough to get a look at Rachel's face, the ex-cheerleader's amused expression quickly turning to a frown. "I'll be there for you when you go, alright? And if I need you, I'll call you, I promise. So no tears, okay?" Santana asked, wiping Rachel's face gently with her thumb. "These pizza people are really damn late, so why don't we pick out a movie, and maybe by the time we decide on one, they'll be here."

Rachel nodded, happy to hear she'll have someone her age there for her. She wasn't sure why Santana had been so open with her, and so kind to her, but she wasn't about to question it anymore. The girl reeked of sincerity, absolutely exuded affection, and Rachel wanted to give back a little. Even if she was scared to pursue anything more than friendship with the girl, mostly because she really was starting to want more than that, despite having just gained the type of friendship she never thought she'd have.

She'd been fine in relationships with Finn and Jesse, as she always controlled the pace and none knew about her, but Santana knew, and truly had her wanting more, even if she was still hesitant and cautious about getting even minimally more intimate. Rachel didn't know what that desire would mean if they tried anything more intimate than chaste kissing.

"You can choose a movie, I'll go ahead and clean myself up a bit." Rachel noted, pointing to her own very likely mascara-streaked face. Santana gave a small smile and nod, and Rachel couldn't help but lean in and give the girl a fleeting soft, chaste kiss on the corner of her lips. Santana angled forward to return it, but Rachel didn't feel like getting too deeply into that, not when she was still trying to figure out what she wanted to do about all of her new feelings. So instead, she slid off the girl's lap and the bed, moving across the room to the bathroom, feeling understandably giddy and bewildered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy stuff here, again. I really wanted to continue bringing out Rachel's insecurities here, her thought processes, etc. I started this fic wanted to use the New York part of the story as a foundation for getting to know both of these ladies, and I think I have, to a decent degree. Next chapter will be them getting back into Lima and McKinley.
> 
> Back when I was outlining this scene, I really was pushing for added representation, and I wanted to try and expand the narrative on how trans characters were treated. However, I took the chance to differentiate Santana as well. With her, it was for reasons I found equally important…in most slash fics, bodies are often written as being incredibly fit, stunningly and traditionally beautiful, typically functional in all ways that are deemed important…"healthy" (however that is constructed), really. And seeing as how Rachel's deviated from the norm, I thought that having Santana's shifting away as well would maybe be positive too.
> 
> Fanfiction has readers of all ages and demographics, and while fantasizing about the idea is always a nice comfort, sometimes it's nice to recognize other forms of bodies as acceptable and interesting sexual entities as well. I know a lot of Faberry and Quinntana stories have covered this with regards to Quinn's car accident and the injuries she sustained, and I love a lot of that work. I just didn't feel I needed a canon reason to do this, and I hope you all can understand and accept that. Breast cancer is a very prominent issue in a lot of people's lives, and many women undergo mastectomies and lose sensation…I thought bringing that aspect in would be positive. If you feel otherwise, then please feel free to contact me, I'd love to hear from you, because as is, I'm more or less just using what I know from a friend and an aunt of mine, and a bit of research.


	6. Chapter 6

Santana had never been a huge fan of planes. She wasn't when they took off initially to New York, and she certainly hadn't warmed up to the form of travel by the time Sunday evening rolled around. That they'd be going to school on Monday just made it all that much worse; she would have preferred a day to relax. Not that it was traumatizing, but it always put her on edge, and when she was put on edge, she tended to drink, which tended to cause hangovers. Though, as it turned out, Rachel had promised to call her later that night so long as Santana held up her end of the deal and kept herself from drinking; she hoped she'd be able to do it, and Berry's confidence in her really made her think that for once, she could.

Not that she'd been on many flights, certainly no more than fourteen in total, but it tended to be fourteen too many. The flight to New York had been lucky, with no alcohol nearby, an evening spent with Britt and Quinn keeping her company, and a distraught Rachel Berry distracting her later on. Her father would likely be asleep by the time she arrived in Lima that night, which meant it would purely be her own willpower keeping her from slamming back a bottle of tequila.

"Jeez, stop fidgeting, S. I know you're desperate to get man-hands' stench off you after spending all week with her, but dial it back a bit." Quinn snarked, leading Santana to realize that she was clutching the armrests for dear life. They'd already taken off and been in the air for a while, but she supposed her body was still suffering some anxiety from lift-off.

Promptly, she forced her hands to her lap and tried to just stay calm; she really wasn't in the mood to argue with Q on an enclosed space that happened to be thousands of meters in the air or whatever. _Then again, it could maybe help distract me from that whole 'thousands of meters' thing…_

"Q, the only filth I need to wash off me is the stench of Finn's failure." Santana griped, giving her friend a suspicious glare. "You didn't even try to find a broadsword, did you?" Honestly, they were in New York, a city with thousands of specialty shops, and Quinn, as resourceful as she was, clearly hadn't even made the effort to track one down. It was disappointing.

"You know me, Santana, always leaving the dirty work for my minions." Quinn responded in kind, a hint of a smirk on her lips.

Santana let herself chuckle a little bit. "You just know I'd be envious of you forever if you ran him through with a sword before I did." She noted, still stuck on the fantasy of re-enacting Highlander on the lumbering oaf. It was pretty damn appealing, really, aside from the whole maximum security prison visit she'd have afterward. But hey, it didn't hurt to dream. "I figured with him practically dry humping you all trip, you could have used the opportunity, just saying."

"I realized he's a jerk. Besides, he got more action with Berry than he did with me, go ask her." Quinn said with a shrug, her eyes narrowing slightly. "Though, YOU spent a lot of time with her this week, too, S. Some might ask questions."

It was Santana's turn to shrug, which seemed to catch Quinn entirely off guard, the blonde's mouth dropping open instantly. "She's a pacifist, and we spent most of the week writing and producing and choreographing all the shit we did on Saturday that Finn ruined for us." She retorted, ignoring the initial sexual insinuation and the raised eyebrow Quinn was sporting. She knew it was a bit suspicious, but Santana figured she'd have to play the conversation out properly and tactfully. She had to care about what she said to Quinn. "And believe it or not…she's actually pretty chill when she's not in glee trying to prove herself. I think I talked more than she did this whole trip, which is kind of scary, but whatever."

"I'll believe it when I see it…and S, I really don't want to see it. You almost sound as if you'll miss hanging out with RuPaul." Quinn scoffed, shaking her head, but after a few moments of silence from Santana, who was struggling to think up the right selection of words, Quinn gave her a nervous look. "You…you won't, right?"

"This morning, B let slip to Rachel about how I am on planes and shit…" Santana started, and Quinn watched on intently, her scrutinizing gaze as unrelenting as usual. "You know, she's the first person to care that I drink myself into oblivion over this fucking stupid anxiety? And don't, Q, you just laugh at me the next day and occasionally make loud noises and flash bright lights in my eyes to piss me off. And I'm cool with that, it's how we work. I know you know I'd do that to you if you ever got blackout drunk on wine coolers again, but she's not us. She's honestly just trying to help, so she's good in my books after that and everything this week."

Quinn sat in her seat facing forward with an expression of sheer disbelief stuck on her face for a few minutes, which was enough for Santana to know that her friend was formulating contingency plans. "What do you want from me, S?" Quinn asked eventually, giving her a tired look. "Just get it over with while I'm in a good enough mood to revel in the fact that you've gone soft."

Santana decided to ignore the assertion that she wasn't a total badass, and instead just answered her friend's question. "Don't be as much of a bitch to her. Cut the nicknames, alright? I'm not saying you have to be her friend…but she fucking worked her ass off trying to make you feel welcome in glee last year after babygate. I'm pretty sure she told Mercedes about how you were faring at Puck's, which probably helped convince Mercedes to take you in. She gave her underwear up to help, and it wasn't just because she wanted to help Finn out. We would have won this year because of her if it wasn't for Frankenteen." Santana rambled, almost cursing herself for sounding like Berry. She quickly dialed herself in. "Just don't give her shit unless it's about glee shit."

"If she gets in the way of my prom campaign next year…" Quinn started, causing Santana to laugh. After the previous night, as relatively chaste and short as it all was in Santana's books, she had a feeling that Rachel wouldn't exactly be an obstacle in Quinn's path. At least, Santana hoped Berry wouldn't. It didn't seem likely that the diva would pine after Finn, and she hadn't really shown any interest in Sam so far.

"I'm pretty sure she's stepping back from Finn, after everything that happened. He blew Rachel's shot at showcasing herself in New York and winning a nationals title, with a 'dramatic' kiss that left her damn disappointed. That, coming from a girl who swoons at, like, ninety percent of dramatically romantic gestures. He blew it, so if you want to use Finnept and his custard nipples, I doubt she'd care, even if I would. UNLESS you use him and then decapitate him when he least expects it, like when he's accepting his crown at prom." Santana noted, smiling at the final sentence as she looked hopefully to Quinn, who simply rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Whatever. I guess I do owe you, so it's done. I don't understand, but I'll be nicer to Berry." Quinn said reluctantly, and Santana knew it was a major victory, so she gave the blonde a quick hug. She knew her friend had a weakness for them, being starved for affection at home, so Santana would often help her out in that regard whenever the blonde made her happy. She felt Quinn lean into it for a few moments, before pulling back with a grateful smile. Santana just ruffled the blonde's hair and grinned.

"Now, find a way to distract me until we land, Q."

* * *

Rachel had walked the halls of McKinley that Monday morning in a bit of a haze, her mind still cluttered by recent events. The first was that they returned to Lima without even making the cut for the nationals showcase. They had spent the whole school year working and growing together, only to misstep at the end and tumble to a twelfth place finish. And Santana had been right, it kept her from displaying her talents in front of the New York media and music lovers. Which, truly, was regrettable.

The second thing on her mind was the fact that Santana Lopez had been her rock throughout the week. Rachel recalled her early freak-outs, and how Santana fought to try and calm her, eventually helping her the next morning so she could have a nice day with Kurt. It had been the start of a surprisingly wonderful few days, and a few miserable nights that they had weathered together. For the first time in her life, she had someone other than her fathers to lean on, and Rachel was confident in saying that she'd made a new, very close friend. It was still a negative that Santana had found out her secret, because despite her words, she knew that the girl DID see her differently than other girls. She had to. Still, though, the former cheerleader had been sweet, and had really opened Rachel's eyes to the person Santana truly was. While she could have rage issues, and have a sharp tongue as well as a bit of a mean streak, she was also a thoughtful, caring person.

Which made for the third point on her list. Santana Lopez had started an excavation mission into her heart; Rachel had felt tingles and more than a little attraction out on their walk on the High Line. Also, while she was certain that the former cheerleader was playing to her dramatic side and using well-established sensual skills to make her feel better during her doubtful periods Saturday night, Santana had also peppered her with kisses and revealed that she'd had a minor crush on her back in freshman year.

Sure, it was most certainly an exaggeration, as she was pretty sure the girl tended to use sex like Rachel used her acting to get people to see things her way during difficult times. So ultimately, she didn't dare to put too much stock into that night's events, though that first kiss HAD been glorious. And Santana HAD angled into that last little chaste kiss before they'd started the movie.

So there was some hope, even if it likely wouldn't last. Santana was stuck in Lima, and wanted some form of tender loving care, and could potentially find it in her, someone she felt a modicum of attraction toward. Once graduation rolled around, Santana would be out in the world, and would have her freedom to find someone better. This chemistry, whatever it happened to be, was simply a stop gap. So Rachel would value the coming months, and she'd see where their friendship led, even if it wouldn't likely change; she had no illusions about the possibility of romance, and that even if something did happen, it'd likely fail like the rest. Still, though, Rachel kind of didn't want that tiny little chaste bit of lip locking to be the last kiss they ever shared.

Especially after enduring the fourth thing rushing through her mind, Santana's incident the previous night. Rachel saw the girl as a friend, so she wasn't doing it to pay Santana back for helping her all those nights, but instead had been truly worried for her. Once Brittany had spilled the beans that Santana was a nervous wreck during and after flights, Rachel had promptly went off to ensure her newest friend that she would be there for her. She'd pleaded with her not to drink, and Santana had indeed avoided dipping into alcohol, aside from a small drink or two, but the girl was a nervous wreck for a few hours late last night.

Surprisingly, the hardest thing about the ordeal hadn't been convincing Santana to keep from doing anything bad, even if she hadn't been a hundred percent successful at getting her to abstain from alcohol. It was the knowledge that Santana was aware that she shouldn't have been feeling like she did, a few short hours after the trip, and that the girl was miserable about not being able to make herself feel relaxed and do away with her anxiety. She could relate to a degree, and it hurt not to be able to see her or hug her. It hurt that she was stuck at home, a mile and a half away from Santana, and couldn't be there in person to help her. Rachel was at least happy that the girl fell asleep around two in the morning, but the amount of anxiety and frustration of Santana's that she'd had to experience over the phone was a little depressing.

On top of all of those topics, the reality that Santana hadn't replied to her text that morning had also made her nervous. Most of all, Rachel wanted to hug her friend as soon as she saw her, but she hadn't seen her yet, and knew she likely wouldn't until lunch. It all made for a juggernaut of boring classes that she'd already finished exam preparations for, where her eyes mostly remained fixed on the clocks inside the room, waiting for the bell to ring.

It was why she was staring at the one in Mr. Dobson's geography class, counting down the remaining seventeen minutes until lunch period. Each passed with agonizing sluggishness as her teacher droned on about study habits; as if anyone who didn't know how to study well in their junior year had a chance of getting a quality grade at this point in the semester.

Eventually the bell rung, and Rachel surprised herself by being up and out of her seat so quickly. Within seconds she was walking down the hall toward her locker; she planned on emptying her bag of her textbooks, only putting a delightful fiction novel and her lunch in it, and then scouring the school for her newest friend. It seemed like a good idea. At least, until she was walking near the gym, and happened to spot Azimio walking in her direction, holding both a slushie in his hand and eye contact with her.

She cursed herself internally for not taking a change of clothes with her on her search, and decided to simply stand her ground, not wanting to show any fear around the linebacker. Being a star was all about not being intimidated about opposition, and being proud of yourself in the face of criticism, after all. Or, at least, it was certainly a major part of it.

As he approached, she willed herself to glare at him, even if it only had him smiling wider. "Special delivery for the captain of the freaks!" The boy bellowed out, gathering the attention of the swarm of students still roaming the halls. Rachel almost asked how it was that he was aware she was captain, but decided it didn't matter in the least, even if it was sort of a curious detail. The crowds of her peers parted as he approached her, Rachel holding eye contact the entire way, challenging him with her defiance.

Azimio got within about five or six feet of Rachel before everything started moving slowly; she saw his eyes bulge before a loud slur laced with shock and disbelief erupted from his mouth. The slushie was in his hands one moment, and gone the next as he stumbled and hopped a little on his left foot.

"Thanks, but I can take it from here, Fat Albert." Santana quipped, suddenly in front of her and in possession of the slushie he'd been holding. As the girl used her free hand to open her bag, the boy recovered, stomping over to her.

"What are you now, her guard dog, Satan?" he asked, clearly attempting to goad Santana, but the girl didn't seem fazed at all, finally pulling out a large straw from her bag after a few seconds of struggling.

"I happen to be one of those glee freaks like Thumbelina here, so I'll take your crappy gift." Santana noted with a wry smirk before drinking some of the slushie through her straw. The ex-cheerleader didn't seem too impressed, though, quickly pulling the straw out and shooting a little of the icy mixture into the boy's eyes. "A little reminder, dough boy… strawberry-kiwi sucks. Maybe if you'd gotten us something better you'd know the REAL reason why people call us freaks." Santana practically purred her disdain as the wincing linebacker frantically rubbed at his eyes.

Rachel, deciding not to make any larger of a scene, took Santana's hand and pulled the girl away; it didn't take long before she realized what she'd done, and she couldn't help but be surprised that the taller girl hadn't pulled away. Thankful that it wasn't an issue, she led her friend through the hall to her favourite washroom on the main floor. It had a lock, and it wasn't large, so it always felt like a little sanctuary.

Rachel quickly locked the door behind them after checking the rest of the stalls and then slumped down against it, feeling entirely relieved that she was still able to wear the clothing she had started the school-day in. "Thank you, Santana." She said, smiling at the girl who stood in front of her, sipping away at the icy drink.

However, her smile faded slightly as she noticed the clear signs of fatigue written on the girl's face, especially how drooped Santana's eyelids were. "No prob, Rach. Saw him coming and I didn't want you to get all covered in this. 'Sides, I was thirsty." The girl mumbled her sleepy words out as she stifled a yawn, leaning up against the nearby wall and setting the drink down beside the sink. Santana just sounded so tired, and she wasn't sure what to do about it. "Nice stare-down, by the way. Points for that, cap'n."

"Can I redeem those points?" she asked quietly, looking shyly up at the ex-cheerleader; it was still odd to think that Santana was her friend, her confidant of sorts, at least within the walls of McKinley. Rachel was pretty sure that it would take a while to get used to that, and to stop being intimidated by her mere presence in school.

"Uh…sure, I guess." Santana sounded more confused than anything as her eyes strained to focus on the diva, the girl blinking rapidly in a stubborn attempt to remain awake. It was kind of ridiculous how cute and beautiful Santana looked even as she was clearly fatigued and half-asleep. A nagging part of her ego said it was unfair, but she shoved that off into some empty corner of her mind, knowing envy was the wrong thing to focus on.

Rachel patted the spot beside her, deciding to ignore the potential germs that were now covering her hand. "Come here." It was a simple request that resulted in a simple response, Santana promptly sitting down directly beside her. Deciding to be a little adventurous in hopes of helping the girl, Rachel gently took hold of Santana's head and leaned it against her shoulder. "Get some rest, San. We have lunch and free period back to back."

"But I haven't seen you all day." Santana mumbled sleepily, which only served to make her heart flip a little with joy that the girl had missed her to some degree. Never in her high school career had anyone told her something like that, and it was a little staggering, even if it was wonderful.

"I know, but I'll be here to wake you up at the end of our free period, and we have AP English together before Glee." She noted, wrapping an arm around the tired girl's waist and pulling her against her side. It might not have been the comfiest position, but she thought it was okay for the both of them. At least, until Santana shifted away momentarily, only to lie on her side, resting her head on Rachel's lap.

Now, Rachel wasn't the type to complain when someone felt comfortable around her; she certainly hadn't that one day when Santana had napped up against her. So the new position was, of course, a rather nice gesture of affection and trust in her mind, perhaps even something of a guilty pleasure. It was with great fervor that she thanked god for her body not betraying her, given their rather physically tricky position, where a little bit of blood flow to the wrong place could disturb the newly slumbering girl.

So she sat there against the washroom door for most of her free time, one hand idly stroking through Santana's hair while the other handled the task of eating lunch. It really did end up being a fairly wonderful break, despite the lack of verbal interaction; just knowing she was the one watching over Santana for a change was rewarding enough. Even if it was just for about an hour and a bit.

Rachel had long since finished lunch and was a few pages into one of the books she had picked out for summer reading when she felt Santana start moving around on her lap. She bookmarked her page and promptly set the novel aside as Santana moved to kneel beside her, still looking a little dazed and tired.

"Are you feeling alright? You still have eleven minutes, I don't mind you resting on my lap, Santana." Rachel noted, smiling at the bleary-eyed girl and the cute yawn she let out.

"I'm good. Thanks for…" Santana started, before giving Rachel a long, appraising look, her tired eyes just starting to regain focus. It was with little notice that she soon found herself pulled into a hug by the taller girl, Santana's hair tickling her face. "Thanks for last night. And for letting me nap."

Rachel wasn't sure how to respond to the utter intimacy in the girl's voice, so she let out a nervous chuckle, hoping to diffuse the situation with some humour. "Well, not like you need beauty sleep, but…but I'm always happy to help you if you need me." Rachel wasn't entirely sure why the somewhat flirty comment poured out of her, but it was out there for her to deal with. She felt the girl's arms tighten around her waist momentarily before Santana pulled away, mussing up the diva's hair. She didn't understand the girl's love for messing up her hairstyle on a seemingly daily basis, but she supposed everyone had annoying quirks to them; Rachel would endure the girl's hair-related behaviour if it meant that she'd be able to spend time with her newest friend.

"Come on, let's go walk off the rest of our free period." Santana noted with a playful smile, unlocking the washroom door and, with faux-chivalry, opening it while comically gesturing for Rachel to slip out first. She couldn't keep the amused grin off her face even as she tried to tidy her hair up, and felt kind of wonderful when the other girl caught up with her, walking directly beside her with barely an inch between them. Rachel was pretty sure that if she moved her hand out an inch and a half, she could grab hold of Santana's. She just wasn't sure that she wanted to try for that yet. Or, really, if it would be accepted by Santana. New York was different than Lima, after all.

As they neared Rachel's next class, a thought popped into her mind, one that quickly evolved into something perhaps resembling a need. "Santana, are you free tonight?"

The girl looked over at her with an inquisitive expression written on her face, dark brown eyes scanning her own for intent. "Yeah, it's a weeknight, I don't have much planned."

"Then come over for dinner tonight. And if your parents are around, invite them as well." Rachel knew her request was a bit abrupt, and perhaps forward, but she really did want to introduce her parents to Santana; meeting the girl's parents would be icing on the cake.

Santana's eyes rolled up a little as she seemed to consider the proposal, but the hesitation only lasted a few seconds. "Eh, why not? Just text me when you want me over, and I'll let you know if my dad can come with."

Rachel smiled brightly at the answer, feeling hopeful that after that night, maybe two more people will be brought formally into the Berry family circle of trust, and maybe they could help her fathers feel more comfortable with her transition as well as the thought of dealing with all the legal aspects.

Ultimately, while she would have preferred talking with Santana a bit more that lunch period, she knew there would be plenty of time for that later. She just had to deal with that excitement until dinnertime.

* * *

Santana gazed stonily out the passenger seat window, watching Lima's uniform suburbia breeze by as her father drove them toward the Berry household. She was tired, grumpy, a little cranky, and damn hungry; at least, her tiredness and hunger caused the other two, but each of her issues didn't have her in the greatest of moods. Additionally, Finn tried to pass off the blame in glee to Rachel, saying she leaned up and kissed him first, which totes wasn't how it went down, considering she was basically standing right behind them. Even though the rest of glee hadn't bought it, it had made for a tense session, and had only really made her that much more determined to get her hands on a greatsword. There would be a quest this summer to find a suitable one, and then a naming ritual of course.

So when she got home and asked her dad if he'd like to go to a friend's for dinner, and he'd initially joked and said she must have been in trouble if Ms. Pierce or Fabray wanted to talk to him, let's just say it didn't help. Still, thankfully, he agreed to go, but had been drilling her with questions ever since. It had already been something of a miracle that he'd currently gone a little over two minutes without asking, but she knew her reprieve wouldn't last, and she was getting tired of giving him the silent treatment for assuming she did something wrong. It just wasn't cool, he was supposed to have her back and stuff. Like, she was his baby girl and everything, and it was like rule 73 in the father handbook to not make bad assumptions about her or something. Sure, Santana knew he'd been joking, but still, she hadn't been in the best mood to start with and she was pretty sensitive about him criticizing her. She always had been.

"So…am I going to at least know the names of the people I'll be meeting in a few short minutes?" Her father asked, and she didn't even need to look his way to know he was smiling. He was always a pretty happy guy, and fairly easy going about most things, but he rarely stopped smiling on Mondays. Santana wasn't sure how her father was able to keep in such high spirits, and didn't know enough about the specifics of his job, but he usually got some paperwork from a bunch of labs on Mondays, and I guess it always at least brought some good news for someone. Unlike her, he always looked for the silver lining; it was something that she admired him for, just like she admired Rachel for it.

"Rachel Berry. You remember at regionals? Tiny little faerie girl that sang the opening solo?" She answered, deciding to cut him a break; just because she was crabby and a bitch didn't mean he deserved to be blindsided or anything.

"Oh, of course, the one with the big voice. You told me before that the club was doing original songs…I take it you got to know each other a little better when you collaborated for the competition?" He asked, to which she had to work to figure out a decent answer, because it was hard to explain. Yeah, working together got them on the same wavelength and made communicating with the diva a hell of a lot easier; it gave them something in common, or at least it revealed that. But there was a lot more to it than that.

"Something like that, I guess. But it was a little more complicated…we were roommates for a week, basically, and I learned a lot about her." She added, finally sparing him a glance as they pulled to a stop at an intersection. She could see the gears turning in her father's head and didn't like it, not one bit.

Especially when that devious little grin spread across his lips. Santana certainly didn't get her mischievousness from her mother, that's for sure. "I'm sure a week confined in a room with a pretty girl like her was 'complicated' indeed. Does my little Tana Banana have a crush?"

Santana went red at the ridiculously dumb nickname; he'd been calling her that since she was six, and hadn't stopped since. She was a little pipsqueak and she'd had the tiniest little phase where she was enamored with Pikachu and everything yellow, and had refused to eat anything but yellow food for nearly a week. Which, really, was mostly bananas. Whatever, it didn't mean that it was cool for that little period of childhood insanity to haunt her.

"Dad!" She exclaimed, hoping he'd go back on his assertion and realize he'd crossed a line. Much like her, however, he rarely let up if he caught the scent of something interesting. And ever since she'd come out to him earlier in the year after her Valentine's Day fiasco, he'd been both ridiculously accepting and determined to tease her at every opportunity.

"What? Can't a father be excited for his little girl finding someone in her tender teenage years?" He asked with mock concern, a hand held to his chest dramatically. He really was a goofball, which made it hard to stay annoyed or mad at him.

She let out a long sigh and slumped back in her seat, knowing they didn't have much time until they reached their destination, and she couldn't let him continue his line of thought over there. "Look, she's just a friend, okay? That's it. We're not dating…if I was dating her I would have told you and, like, asked you to make your celebratory enchiladas. We're friends." She insisted, earning a slow, unconvinced nod from him as the light went green again. It didn't take long to realize that she'd just insinuated that she'd like to date Rachel, which surely only fueled her father's curiosity. "Look, remember that time back in freshman year when you sat me down and beat me over the head with your anti-bullying stick?"

Immediately, his posture stiffened, and the playfulness left his face, replaced with a serious expression she rarely ever saw. "I remember that evening well, Santana. And I trust you didn't forget it."

"I didn't. Rachel…she's the girl we'd been talking about on the phone back then." Santana clarified quickly, the lack of a nod from her father prompting her to continue her explanation. "We roomed up all week, and I dreaded it going in, but she's actually really cool. She's a great person, and she invited us over…mom too, but it's not like she can fly in just for a dinner at a friend's house, you know?"

He finally nodded as they neared Rachel's street, his mouth quirked slightly to the side in thought, the gears once again working in his mind. "I suppose a week is a good amount of time to settle differences. You apologized properly, I hope?"

"You know I did, dad. She wouldn't have asked us if I hadn't, okay? Just…look. She and her family are private people, Rachel doesn't have a lot of friends, and I want to be one. So just…try to behave. I talked you up a bit as an awesome dad, and I'm sure the Berrys would be disillusioned if you spoke nothing but puns like the first time I had Brittany over." She stated firmly, hoping her father would just take the dinner seriously and keep from embarrassing her. Sure, she loved her dad's puns, but it really wasn't the time and place, or the best way to make a good first impression.

Santana let out a long breath as she pointed out the Berry family's driveway, her father quickly pulling in and stopping the car. "I promise to be on my best behaviour, mija. Now why don't you lead me up so I can meet this friend of yours."

Santana nodded stiffly and got out of the car, absentmindedly closing the door, realizing this would be her first time meeting the Berry men. _I guess there'll be a lot of introductions all around, then…fun…_

The walk up the stone pathway was brief and a bit nerve-wracking, but the fact that the house looked very much like a home helped a little. They had a small garden of flowers by the porch, which had a wooden swing on it of all things, and there were little plants at each side of the door. The family certainly tended to their front yard, and it made the place a little more welcoming. Enough so that she only briefly hesitated before ringing the doorbell.

"I'll get it!" Santana heard Rachel yell loudly from inside the home, the girl clearly not having an 'indoor' voice even in her own home. It was kind of amusing, if she were to be honest.

Within seconds the door was open with Rachel standing there smiling brightly at her. And then the diva was crashing into her with a hug. "Hello, Santana!" And before she could even think to reciprocate, Rachel separated from her, giving her father a shy smile. "Hello, I'm Rachel Berry! I'm going to hug you hello now, Mr. Lopez, if that's alright."

Santana watched her dad chuckle a little before gesturing the girl in, giving her a good squeeze before they parted. "Please call me Juan, Rachel. The formal titles just make me feel old." He noted happily, a smile on his face that Rachel reciprocated before grabbing Santana's hand and leading them both inside, babbling on about how happy she was that they accepted her family's invitation, and that they made sure not to include anything with peanuts due to Juan's allergy that Santana had mentioned earlier.

It was never a dull moment when Rachel was in 'Hurricane Berry' mode, all hyperactive and energetic, so it was interesting that one of the diva's fathers' voices brought the girl back down to earth almost immediately. "Rachel, why don't you take a moment to breathe so that our guests can maybe respond to you." A tall bespectacled man noted with an amused grin, standing in the doorway to what appeared to be the living room. He flicked his attention from his now sheepish looking daughter to Santana and her father. "Welcome to our home, I'm Hiram, and my husband LeRoy is just in the backyard finishing up the food. You must be Santana and Mr. Lopez."

Santana gave the man a smile, trying to read his expression to see if he was at all uncomfortable with her there; she had, after all, bullied Rachel extensively in the past. It wasn't something she figured the man would be pleased about, especially inviting the former bully to dinner. Still, he seemed genuinely happy to have them over, so she extended her hand, giving him a firm enough handshake before he moved on to her father, who gave the same spiel about his name to Hiram. Santana wasn't sure where exactly to go from there in the conversation, not really used to meeting parents, but a yell from the backyard thankfully provided some direction.

"Hiram, can you come out here and handle the steaks? I know how you get when I try and cook them." A voice called out from what sounded like the back yard, most likely LeRoy, given the circumstances.

Hiram turned to her father and gestured with his head toward the back door. "Hey, why don't I introduce you to LeRoy? I'm sure the girls won't get into too much trouble while we're out of sight." The man noted with a grin that looked a little nervous and excited; it was odd, but she watched the two men walk down the hall toward the back yard. Rachel, who was still holding Santana's hand, pulled her into the living room and plopped the both of them down on the couch.

"Don't mind him, he's just excited that I have a new friend." Rachel explained, as if the diva had been using her supposed sixth sense psychic abilities to tap into the former cheerleader's mind. Though she hadn't really been censoring her facial expressions, so Santana was pretty sure she'd been a little obvious with her confusion. "My daddy is a bit of a social butterfly, and he's always wanted me to have friends. He sort of orchestrated that party we had here earlier in the year." Berry continued, her legs kicking out playfully, as her feet just barely didn't reach the ground. It was pretty cute.

Santana nodded at Rachel's words, figuring it made sense; she knew her father wanted her to get more friends as well, but she was generally happy with her small handful, which would occasionally grow when the opportunity arose. "To be honest, I thought he would want to tear me apart. You know, because of how I've been to you in the past and whatever." She stated, earning a confused tilt of the head from the diva beside her, who just shuffled closer to her, their knees touching now.

"Santana, I don't come home and tell my parents every little detail of my day. They know the cheerleaders bullied me, until early this year in glee. That's about it, at least in regards to you. And you're not a cheerleader anymore, you're in glee, so he'd have no reason to have ill will toward you." Rachel's voice was soothing as she spoke, but the words just felt wrong; it wasn't right that she'd gotten away with it, so to speak. It wasn't right. Santana was never one for apologies, but she'd figure something out to clear her ledger down the line.

"And I'm guessing you don't want me to tell them about that tonight." Santana said, quirking her eyebrow for clarification that came in the form of Berry shaking her head. "Okay then. So you invite me and my papi over to meet you and your family…I take it you have a plan of action in mind instead of this just being super casual?"

"You haven't told him? About…about me?" Rachel asked, thankfully not looking shocked, just curious; she wasn't sure if she could have stomached shock, given how much trust the diva had earned from her, and what she and Berry had gone through the past week.

Santana shook her head tiredly, that crankiness from earlier bleeding out just a little. "Rach, I'd never do that without your consent."

"I didn't think you would, but I'm cautious, San. Just making sure. Anyway, I planned on coming out to him, I guess, then. Seeing as you know, and your father is a doctor, I sort of wanted to both gain him as an ally in this, and make sure you had someone to talk to about this, without fear of outing me." The diva made sense, Santana knowing it would be a lot easier talking to her father about things if she wasn't always wrapping it up in some hypothetical bullshit. And she knew her dad would be a steadfast ally for the girl and her family.

"That sounds good enough, and I'm sure my papi will be totes supportive. But if you ask him for advice, he'll probably just tell you to go to your doctor for it…you're not his patient or anything, you know?" She explained, hoping Rachel hadn't held sky-high expectations about her papi; he was a great guy, but he was pretty by the book when it came to all that doctor-patient privacy stuff, and over respecting his colleagues.

Rachel sidled up even closer, the smaller girl's body pressing into her side as Berry's weird little head rested on her shoulder. It was crazy how warm Rachel was, and even with it being the summer, and the Berry house's air conditioning not being up too high, she really did just want to curl up with the diva and soak in that glorious heat. "I don't expect him to be forthcoming about everything…but…would it be weird if I kind of maybe was considering switching to Team Lopez when it came to my healthcare?" Rachel asked, surprising the fuck out of her, because the girl hadn't given much indication that she was unhappy with her current doc.

Sensing Santana's conflict, most likely, Rachel hastily continued. "It's not just because I know you, and I'm not using you or anything, I promise, it's just that I'm hitting something of a wall with Doctor Weatherall, and I feel it's important to consider all my options."

Santana wasn't sure what Rachel meant by 'hitting a wall', but it didn't sound all that positive, so she figured it was worth a shot. "Okay, then. Look…my advice? If you really want to do this tonight?" Santana started, earning a quick nod against her shoulder. "Bring it up right away, as soon as dinner starts. Any time he ever tells me something serious, or any time something's going down, he always brings it up right at the start of dinner, so it gets out of the way. He always expects the same from me. It's just that I'll have to be all quiet on the western front with this…if I step in, he'll tell you to make an appointment to discuss the issue with him later. It has to be you and your fathers running the show… I can't be a part of this at all."

"This is all sounding rather intimidating." Rachel noted with a sigh, cuddling up closer to her ever so slightly. And it was true enough; her father was a goof, but he was pure business about his work, and he was very stubborn about etiquette when it came to that. It wouldn't likely be a discussion that lacked a sort of intensity.

"Look, I like you, which means he likes you, alright?" Santana asked, earning another small nod, spurring her onward. "He just needs to know you're serious, and that no one is calling the shots for you…like me, for instance. You show him respect by being professional about it, and he'll consider it. Having copies of your paperwork handy would probably help, too. But if you have it, and he asks, offer to show it after dinner."

Rachel shifted against her a little, somewhat pushing Santana further against a throw pillow nearby, before Berry got comfortable again and leaning back up against her. "I'm sorry for mixing my medical needs with this, San. I've just been frustrated for the past year, and I feel I might have another option, now. I didn't just invite you two for that, I promise…it's just…I like inviting friends over for dinner, even if I rarely have the opportunity."

Santana felt as if her heart clenched a little at the offhand remark, knowing Rachel truly deserved more friends than she currently had. She made the mental decision to pop by Berry's place more often, and invite the girl over more often as well. Maybe not every day, but often enough to get the diva used to having that sort of thing, because having guests over shouldn't be some twice annual celebration or whatever.

"Well, how about next time, I cook?" She asked, hoping that Rachel would see by her casual remark that she planned on making it a regular thing. Friends spent time together, it was pretty much a rule. Even when she kind of loathed Quinn for a little, they still hung out two or three times a week at the park or the Lima Bean; neutral territory was important back then. Not so much with Berry.

Rachel's head left her shoulder, the girl's soft brown hair draping against it instead. "Next time?" Rachel asked in a hushed voice, sounding painfully hopeful that there would indeed be another occasion.

"Yeah, like, maybe Friday? It'd be the end of the week or whatever. Or Saturday morning we could do breakfast or something? Whatever works." She noted with a shrug, giving her baffled host an amused smile. One that was ever so slowly returned, its brightness being entirely satisfying. "I mean, we don't have many classes together until the semester ends, so we should find time to hang out. Usually I just call people up randomly, but I know you like schedules and everything, and break each day down into 30 minute timeslots."

The telltale blush on Berry's cheeks made it obvious that's she'd guessed correctly that the girl was crazy organized. Santana was pretty sure she'd end up driving the diva crazy through their friendship with her impulsivity, but it'd be worth it. "I'll give you copies of my calendars for the next two months so that you'll know when I'm available, and to help schedule time for hanging out in advance?" Rachel asked, giving Santana big puppy dog eyes; it was about as close to cat calendars as she was probably comfortable with, and she wasn't about to just accept that deal as it was.

"Sure, but if I see a free time slot, I won't always give you notice. I might just pop by, seeing as it'll be summer break soon. You'll have to deal with the fact that when I get bored, I get impulsive." Santana remarked with a smirk, enjoying the conflicted intensity on Rachel's face as the diva was mentally going over the pros and cons in her head. As if it was such a major decision to make.

"I think I can agree to those terms." Rachel eventually stated, a bright smile and a nod following the words up as Berry gained confidence in her answer. The girl was admittedly a weirdo, but she was more than a little endearing, and Santana could admit that she liked the diva's craziness a teensy bit. She had ever since she'd seen the girl singing and dancing in the hallways back in freshman year.

"Girls! Dinner's ready." Hiram called from the kitchen, grabbing both of their attention momentarily. At least, enough for Santana to muss up Rachel's hair and pop off the couch, shooting the diva a cheeky grin. It was always fun to make her flustered, as the rosy blush was more than worth the annoyed huff she always got.

She ignored the perturbed scowl on Rachel's face and walked into the kitchen, finding the other Berry man there, the other two notably absent and probably in the backyard again.

"Hi…LeRoy, right?" She asked, gaining the man's attention. He nodded with a smile and bypassed Santana's outstretched hand, giving her a quick, tight hug instead.

"You must be Santana! Rachel told us you were roommates during the trip, thanks so much for keeping our little star company." He stated cheerfully, patting her on the shoulder in a way that revealed that the man probably didn't know his own strength, but she'd dealt with more forceful greetings before. Brittany had most certainly learned how to hug from her father, and that man was practically a kodiak bear.

"It wasn't any trouble, really. Once I got to know her, things went pretty smoothly, and even though we lost nationals, I think we had a lot of fun." She noted politely, wanting to make a good impression, and not wanting to delve into too much detail, considering she wasn't sure what Rachel had told her fathers. But it was true, she did end up having fun in the city, and a lot of that was because of the little diva. "And thank you for having us over. I know Rachel probably spammed you with texts after lunch, and came in like a hurricane when she got home, making sure everything was ready, so I appreciate it."

LeRoy chuckled at that, giving her another hard shoulder pat. "She's a bit of a firecracker sometimes, but Hiram's the same way. I decided long ago to just go with the flow and let them do their thing."

Santana knew well enough from how Rachel was at school and in glee that the girl was a bit of a whirlwind when she had a plan mapped out in her head; the group prep for nationals was almost fully run by the diva rather than Schuester because Rachel kept suggesting changes to choreography throughout to ensure everything worked fluidly.

LeRoy went to intercept the other men as they came in carrying a ridiculous amount of food, so she found an open seat at the table. She patted the one beside her when Rachel came into the room, the girl still trying to tidy her newly unruly hair. Berry huffed and rolled her eyes, but still took the offered seat, which she appreciated; Santana didn't want the girl going through the talk alone. While she couldn't speak for the first little while, she wanted to at least show some support in some way, even if it was just physical proximity.

And while she was pretty sure dinner would go well, she knew Rachel would be delving into some serious material, and that had her a little on edge, hoping everything would be okay. She really, really didn't want their first get together to go down badly.


	7. Chapter 7

Rachel was pretty sure there were only a small handful of times in her life where she'd been so terrified. Most of them dealt with the topic at hand, so at least it wasn't unfamiliar, uncharted territory, and Santana's dad was, in theory, supportive, so she knew it wasn't logical to be ridiculously scared. If there was something she quickly came to know about her newest friend, it was that Santana seemed to know the people in her life exceptionally well; this meaning her parents, Brittany and Quinn, mostly. So if Santana said that Juan would like her, then she knew that was the likeliest result of the dinner.

Still, it was always difficult to come out, given how few times she's had to do so, and how much pressure she was under each time. And then there was the part of her brain with the pseudo-unrequited tiny crush on Santana, which had her feeling like she was meeting the parents of a significant other. Which honestly was ludicrous, but her brain was a mysterious thing, and she'd cursed it on a number of occasions for playing similarly unreasonable games with her.

That, coupled with the fact that she sort of gave in to that voice a little on the couch when she snuggled up to the other girl, had Rachel more than a little on edge. So even outside of following Santana's likely helpful advice on timing, she really wanted to get that nerve-racking conversation started as soon as possible so she could stop focusing on sort of thinking about Santana in a specific way, even if it meant she'd be equally uncomfortable about a different topic. At least one of the two was acceptable and rooted in reality.

"Juan, I just want to say again that I'm thrilled that you were able to come to dinner today. While I had few doubts that Santana would pass up a hot meal, I'm truly thankful that I've been able to meet someone who she holds in such high esteem." Rachel stated politely as they all finished sitting down at the table; it was a little cramped, as it was a round one meant to fit four, but they'd made it work.

Juan offered her a kind, if amused, smile as he began cutting up his steak, seemingly approving of how rare it was. Rachel felt fortunate that she'd grown desensitized to enough of a degree for bloody meat to not have her breaking out into a rash over the ethics and morality of it all. Seeing it really was one of those things she'd had difficulty 'getting over'.

"I'm happy to be here. I've been invited to friends of Santana's homes on a few occasions, and it's always nice to see her making friends, and certainly always nice to meet friendly faces." Juan replied, giving Santana a slightly pointed look that Rachel suppressed a grin over and Santana rolled her eyes at; the man clearly knew his daughter wasn't the easiest person to get along with, and was politely ribbing her over it in front of new acquaintances. It seemed a little unorthodox, but it helped explain where Santana got her love of teasing and blunt, if well intentioned ribbing from.

"Admittedly, your daughter's reputation scared me off for a while." Rachel added, deciding to frame her history with Santana in a less antagonistic way for the benefit of all parties, without erasing the history entirely. "I was more than a little scared of rooming with her in New York for the week, if you can imagine."

She saw Santana's head duck ever so slightly, so she reached out beside her and squeezed the girl's hand, not wanting her to feel bad about it, given all that had happened. Her parents, who knew practically nothing about Santana, seemed to take her words at face value, though appeared fairly curious about what such a reputation meant. They'd only ever seen Santana from a distance at glee competitions, really. And Juan, he gave her a knowing smile before giving his daughter a rather fond grin, one Santana likely didn't notice due to her downcast eyes.

"My Santana can be a little intense at the best of times, especially when she's dealing with people outside of her usual circle. But I'm happy to see that you both worked things out." The man noted contently, which seemed to put Santana a little more at ease; more importantly, though, her plan of action took a predictable jump ahead due to her daddy's unhinged curiosity. Ever the social butterfly, he usually couldn't get enough details about her social life, an area Finn tended to disappoint in due to his inability to form coherent sentences drawn from recent memories.

"Pardon me for asking, honey, but how exactly did this all come to be? You talked for an hour about the competition and some of the group work leading up to it, but clearly the trip had something of a…well, a rocky start." Hiram added, clearly wanting juicy details, and while she considered the structure of her response for a mere second or two, Santana oddly enough felt the need to add her two cents. The look in the girl's dark eyes was enough for her to know her new friend would help moderate the discussion a little, which she was thankful for; getting overwhelmed so early in the first stage of dinner wouldn't be helpful at all.

"I think the dread we felt was mutual when we found out we'd be stuck together. We'd never really been friends, and I'm…insular…when it comes to most people at school and my social life. I avoided going to our room until really late at night because I legitimately thought almost anything else was preferable." Santana's brief introduction was surprisingly well spoken, considering the sort of vocabulary she was used to when dealing with the girl. To say it was interesting to see her be so polite and formal was both disorienting and intriguing.

It was enough to derail her strategically chosen progression in the conversation, her brain leaking loose collections of words to her mouth until she was composed enough to speak them. "I didn't help matters any in that when Santana arrived I was midway through a panic attack." She more or less blurted out, gaining the immediate concern of her parents. She hadn't sent a single text to them over the whole ordeal, just a single one the following day saying she wished she was home with them. It was as much as she'd allowed herself then, and she could tell they didn't approve, given that she usually always made them aware of it.

Thankfully, Juan got to speaking before her fathers. "It's a good thing Santana's all bark, no bite. Sorry to rain on your parade, sweetheart, but we both know it's true." The man noted fondly, earning at first a shocked expression, and then an annoyed grumble. Yes, Santana HAD been all bark and no bite, but she wasn't about to throw her newest friend under the bus by agreeing so soon in their friendship.

"She actually did scare me quite a bit, as I'd locked myself in the bathroom, and she managed to pick the lock and barge in. Thankfully, despite her rather brusque behaviour through much of it, she really did have my best intentions at heart and tried to help in her own way. And I'll happily thank you for that, Santana, as well as applaud your less than legally encouraged talent with a hairpin." Rachel rambled, hoping to provide some sort of easy segue into what she wanted to address before things got too far off topic. Her fathers' concern just barely beat out a quickly muted response from Santana on the matter.

"Cupcake, what happened? Why didn't you let us know?" LeRoy asked in that velvety smooth, reassuring tone he'd often speak in when her nerves were fried. It helped, really, and her focus quickly returned to her previously planned idea of how to steer the discussion.

Rachel offered both of her fathers sheepish, sympathetic smiles, knowing they never liked being out of the loop, and she really hadn't had much of an excuse other than feeling her world was collapsing in on itself. While it was a significant excuse, a text message barely took any time at all, so she decided to properly chide herself for it later on.

"Despite the proper labeling on my luggage, it didn't make the trip to New York with me. It went to Miami instead due to an error on some unknown airport employee's part. Thankfully, I still had my carry-on, and was able to retrieve my luggage when we arrived back in Columbus, but…I didn't have my luggage for the entire trip." She stated calmly and with a poise she was hoping was recognizable to the others; it had been hard enough enduring that event or even thinking about it, so she felt pretty good about being able to speak of it without flinching.

Her dad and daddy, on the other hand, went catatonic and pale respectively. Not surprising, given she gained her sense of dramatics from the both of them. Seeing as they were a little too surprised to react, Rachel turned her focus to a patiently waiting, if concerned, Juan.

"My luggage carried a vast amount of things that were incredibly important to me, including some rather necessary items of clothing. When one was inexplicably destroyed en route to the hotel, I spiraled out into a panic, not having anything to replace it with, given that I only had my carry-on, which wasn't close to full given I only put the barest of essentials in there. I've since learned my lesson to expand my item count for it, but at the time, I was panicking, and the thought of Santana finding me in that state was…terrifying to put it lightly." Rachel continued, Juan nodding occasionally, though his visible confusion persisted. Which she supposed was understandable, given how vague she'd been.

A quick glance at her fathers had them realizing what she was planning on doing, and perhaps what had already been disclosed to Santana, which had them quiet and nervously casting their gazes at the other man at the table. "I apologize if I'm not following the details here, but what exactly was the problem, and how does Santana play a part in it?" he asked, once noticing that Santana's focus was entirely on Rachel. Which was really nice, and the pleasant sensation running up her arm from the former cheerleader squeezing her hand was rather exhilarating, but she could have used some extra verbal input from the girl. Not really knowing an easy way to continue the discussion given the subject material, she took a deep breath and decided to just give basic details.

"Santana, after barging in and practically cornering me about what was troubling me, managed to accidentally acquire knowledge that I wasn't wearing any underwear… because I usually wear a specially tailored gaff, but it had torn earlier, and she came to a rather quick, if accurate, conclusion that I'm trans." She spilled out hastily, avoiding direct eye contact because it was honestly too much for her at the moment, even if Santana's hand was lovely, and the socked foot grazing her shin in a strangely supportive fashion was rather nice and calming as well. It just wasn't enough when this was, outside of her fathers, the only other time she'd outed herself to someone on her own terms.

Rachel wasn't sure what expressions were flitting across Santana's dad's face, but it almost made her smile when Santana immediately pitched in to add to her comment. "She was just really upset, and I didn't mean to find out that way, she just kind of tripped while trying to scoot past me, and when we collided, I noticed. I wasn't, like, groping her or anything. It was just late and I didn't want her running off in a panic in some crazy city."

Feeling a little happier to hear that she wasn't alone in repeating the events of the previous week, she lifted her gaze to her fathers and held their shocked, concerned expressions. "We didn't become friends immediately. I was terrified of her that first night, and she ended up leaving me alone once she knew I wasn't going to combust into flames spontaneously. The next morning, when I was panicking again about meeting Kurt for breakfast at Tiffany's, she grabbed me a helpful selection of her clothes, which solved my immediate issue and let me go on with my day." Rachel stated firmly, letting her fathers know that the girl sitting beside her had helped her, and that she trusted her.

It seemed to do the trick in calming the two men down a fair degree, LeRoy shifting his gaze to Santana with a fond smile as Rachel continued. "And when we both returned from our adventures into the city later on, we had a rather intense discussion about it all. She guessed accurately, I added details, and we worked out the terms of engagement for the rest of the week before she handed me a large chunk of the spoils of her day out shopping. Which, truly, was very helpful in providing me a temporary wardrobe."

"I still insist I did the world a favour in getting you out of argyle sweaters with carousel horses on them, Rach. Even if just for a week." Santana added, successfully breaking the rather tense atmosphere, earning yet another shocked expression from her daddy, who had long been trying to influence her away from that sort of fashion sense. Rachel liked those sweaters, though. They were comfy, modest, and warm; sort of a schoolgirl-librarian chic.

"Well, supposed fashion crimes aside, I'm honoured you're willing to share those details of yourself with me. I'm happy to hear that you'll have Santana's support in this, but if you ever need an ear, I'm certainly willing to help." Juan's kind tone reminded her quite a bit of a similar one she heard from Santana when she'd been helped around the shower at the hotel. It was odd, but reassuring that the apple apparently didn't fall far from the tree, and that Santana's concern and support for her certainly hadn't been faked.

Rachel gave her fathers a quick smile before offering Juan a bright one, feeling a little guilty about what direction she was about to steer the conversation in. "I'm not sure you know what it means to hear that, but thank you nonetheless. In truth, ninety five percent of the reason I asked for Santana to bring you along to dinner was to meet you and help enact some family to family bonding, but I was also wondering if there was a chance of discussing my health with you? I've become aware of your specialty recently, and I was wondering if you would be willing to see me as well?"

The change in topic was not about to go down in the history of the most deftly handled conversational transitions, especially given how Santana's prediction was very much on the mark. It wasn't as if Santana's dad became severe anything, so much as the proud, happy expression he'd wore mere seconds ago vanished in exchange for a rather professionally neutral one.

"Are you certain this isn't an issue that can't wait until a later date, after you talk with your fathers?" He asked, and she could kiss him for entertaining her whims and giving her slight control of the issue, letting her focus a little on her slightly shell-shocked dads for a moment.

"Daddies, you know I love you with all my heart, but…Dr. Weatherall has been needlessly restrictive in controlling my transitional timeline, and I need better than what he's willing to do." She pleaded, knowing how much they liked the man, how he'd become something of a family friend over the years. In truth, he really WAS a rather pleasant man; he just wasn't anyone she felt comfortable getting healthcare guidance from anymore.

"Sweetheart, we've discussed this before. He's a medical professional, and he knows what…" LeRoy began softly, but this time she wasn't about to be lulled into silence like she usually was at the doctor's office. She knew she potentially had another option now. She was very keenly aware of her status as a minor and her parents' control over her healthcare, and ambushing them with Dr. Lopez may not have been the most graceful plan, but it was her only one where she thought they'd maybe listen to her on this topic.

"I'm requesting an informal second opinion, dad. Please, I know you trust him, but I don't anymore. Not with knowing what's right for me."

And like that, the atmosphere only intensified, and she wasn't surprised when she heard Juan quietly break the slightly uncomfortable silence. "Santana, can you please excuse us for a little bit?"

Having expected this, Rachel turned to her friend and squeezed Santana's hand. "You can take your dinner upstairs to my room if you'd like…I have a tray up there for occasions where I'm too sick to come downstairs to eat." She whispered, drawing a brief nod from her friend, who gently pulled her hand away before slipping something into Rachel's.

Within seconds, Santana had her plate and glass in hand and was midway up the stairwell. It was only when she heard Juan speak that she realized Santana had loaned her the somewhat inconspicuous charm bracelet she always wore. It warmed her heart a little to have that reminder that Santana was there with her, even when she truly couldn't be in every sense.

"Now, I don't normally do this, Rachel. In all honesty, I would have at most said that your fathers and yourself could make an appointment with me at a later date had you not just insinuated that you have had issues regarding your care, and that I was, as you deftly put it, a potential informal second opinion on the matter." Juan stated calmly and not unkindly, even if his face wasn't really similar to that kind, easily amused man she met at her front steps. "And I'm certainly not promising I will pencil you into my schedule for the foreseeable future. But I am willing to hear you and your fathers out briefly on the matter informally, if you feel it would be helpful in starting a mutual discussion about your current level of care."

"That is more than I could ask of you, and I apologize for bringing this topic up at dinner, but I suppose I've been feeling increasingly desperate over the past year or so." Rachel stated as diplomatically as she could; she understood her fathers' concerns and wishes well, and had heard them stated a great many times at the doctor's. It was just frustrating when she wanted to take the next step, and she wasn't allowed to. "Doctor Weatherall had me on puberty blockers in recent years to help me with my transition, as it was necessary. I've been out to my fathers since I was six, and I've been Rachel ever since. For a long time I felt his decisions were in my best interests, but lately I do not believe that to be the case."

Juan, or Dr. Lopez, merely nodded and gestured for her to continue, which she happily did, thrilled that someone was willing to listen to her. "Despite my commitment to transition at a young age, there were concerns about the impact of puberty on my self-image. I was kept away from puberty blockers for a span of time to 'confirm' my decisions as well as to store…well, you know." Rachel stammered out at the end; admitting to another person part of her genitalia's ability was not only embarrassing, but it also felt a little humiliating as a young woman. Sure, other young women dealt with her issue, but it didn't change the fact that it wasn't normal, and that for the longest time, having more typical parts was honestly one of the only shreds of normality she'd ever wanted.

"But my dysphoria prevented me from accomplishing a…quantity…that my parents and doctor felt met my future needs. It isn't as if I don't wish to provide myself with better fertility chances when I'm a legal adult and ready for a child in my life, but it's traumatic for me, and while I know they want the best for me, what I've stored needs to be enough. I need to move on, and I know that part of my medical health has been keeping me from being put on a hormone regimen that's more suited to my age bracket. That I'm not permitted to even look at my own paperwork has me convinced of that." She stated, unable to keep from sending a pointed look to her parents about that, knowing they could give her access to the files locked away in their den's file cabinet, but they hadn't.

"And your counterpoint, Hiram and LeRoy?" Juan asked succinctly, turning his gaze to them.

Hiram was, as always, the first to answer when it came to the more passionate defenses. "We just want her to have options when she's older, and Doctor Weatherall has assured her that giving her time to store more for the future won't impact her too dramatically. He's still giving her some medication, we're not denying her out of cruelty. We just want to make sure that she's absolutely ready, and being of adult age is important in that. We want her to be able to have everything she wants in the future, and making drastic changes at her age could undermine that." He spoke fervently, his eyes flickering back and forth between Juan and Rachel, pleading with them both to understand.

"If she's been saying she's ready for a change, whatever that means to her, what role does her age play in this? She's a junior in high school, sixteen or seventeen, most likely. If she's been on a standard hormone regimen for longer than a year, she's likely infertile by now, so this…and I'm saying this informally as someone educated in these matters…probably shouldn't be an active concern given the age she began transitioning. That stage of viability has very likely passed." He noted calmly, Rachel noticing his brow furrowing ever so slightly in the middle, creating a tiny little dimple. It was hard to recall if Santana's face did that, and she sort of wanted to find out.

LeRoy pitched in this time, though sounding more hesitant than Hiram. "She's been on mostly blockers since she was fourteen. This past year he's had her cycling some other hormones in at low doses to lower her dysphoria, keep her emotions from going haywire, and to keep major health side-effects from cropping up."

The slight twist of Juan's face let Rachel know that he probably wanted to chuckle despite his clear confusion, but his professionalism suppressed it. Still, it was a positive sign, if anything, and his following words only confirmed it.

"Gentlemen, teenage daughters are supposed to be emotionally volatile. Teenagers are emotionally volatile in general, and that's just typical. So honestly, that should be a non-issue. Rachel, from my vantage point, certainly seems mature enough to look into regular HRT treatment, which would be helpful in continuing her development and age-appropriate. She very well may experience dysphoria in ways that might not be getting fully addressed medically right now. Also, being on puberty blockers for an extended period of time sometimes won't spare your child from infertility…I'm sorry if I'm the bearer of bad news in that respect…so using that as a reason to hold back on applying treatment isn't likely to be in her best interests. There's obviously no complete consensus when it comes to these matters, but I've taken the stance of providing trans teens, ones who have been on blockers throughout, with puberties similar to the norm, hormonally. I haven't had any clients dealing with major health issues as a result of that treatment, either, though I appreciate your understandable concern over her wellbeing. It's just not even a moderate risk at most standard starting regimens." He added, and Rachel could barely fight the smile from her face as he went on.

Truly, it was just great to hear someone who wasn't almost religiously overly cautious for no real reason. She knew her dosages were remarkably low and odd according to what others online received, but with her levels purposely obfuscated, it was difficult to tell what impact they were having. Her body, however, told that tale about as well as anything, through both appearance and how it felt.

"Sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting a puberty. I've watched other girls develop while I…I'm still in this body that looks like a prepubescent boy's, for the most part. I just want to grow up." She noted, trying not to sound too sad about it for her fathers' sakes, but it really was depressing to watch girls like Quinn and Tina develop curves that she could only dream of. She didn't even want a lot, just enough so that she wouldn't be mistaken as a guy from the neck down. The small dose of anti-androgens and estrogen had ever so slightly developed her breasts and made her nipples slightly poofy, and perhaps her frame was small and her hips were thankfully about as wide as her shoulders, but it wasn't much. Not without knowing how a stronger, more typical regimen would affect her.

"Honey…" Hiram cooed apologetically, and maybe she should have laid it out like that before, but they should have trusted her word enough to take her side against her doctor sometimes. It didn't seem fair that she was allowed to make the decision to transition, but not the conditions of it.

"I don't think I'd need to see paperwork on it to know she's not getting standard doses of HRT, if you say they've been low and that Rachel has been…oddly enough…cycling them. I could see cycling progesterone, certainly, but nothing else. There's a reason most pills need to be taken regularly, and the ones that aren't have specific instructions and conditions. Estradiol, spironolactone, cyproterone…medicine such as those need to be taken regularly or they honestly won't have much impact at all. It would be wasting time, patience and money." Dr. Lopez's confusion was brief before his game face was back on, and his gaze was focused on her fathers. "Rachel sounds disappointed in her care, and while it is entirely up to you two in how it is handled, it's important to respect the voices of those who are directly impacted by this."

"So what do you recommend?" Hiram asked quietly, his conflicted gaze locked onto Rachel, who efficiently hid her happiness over Santana's dad potentially helping her out with what she'd been fighting her dads about for the past year. She didn't like seeing her dads upset, but she also needed to look out for herself.

At that, he finished off his mashed potatoes, taking a few extra seconds after swallowing before he continued, Rachel and her dads waiting patiently for his answer. "Hear her out at greater length, and schedule an appointment with me either way so I can give an official second opinion and talk shop with a little more clarity. Heck, I usually only run that clinic on Tuesdays out in Columbus, but if you needed the first appointment to be in Lima because of scheduling…and I do recommend that this appointment be set within two weeks…then I can pencil you in when I get home around five thirty. Santana's past cheerleading schedule means she usually doesn't eat dinner until closer to seven anyways, so there's some free time between my obligations. Just think about it, okay? And give me a call when you've made a decision."

Rachel was over the moon when both of her fathers nodded at him with both respect and concern practically emanating from them. While she knew she'd still have the potential appointment with Santana's dad to slog through potential roadblocks in her care due to her fathers' sweet if overbearing concerns, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. A lot could happen, developmentally, within a half year's time, and she was hoping she could maximize it before her surgery in December.

"So…can Santana come back down now?" she asked, feeling that the topic of her healthcare had been thoroughly discussed.

After a quick nod from Juan, she hopped off her chair and headed upstairs to her room, finding the door shut. Rachel, knowing her room was soundproofed, just opened the door slowly, catching Santana eating her dinner quietly at the computer desk. She was rather thankful that she'd thought to clean up her room and stow away some of her things in preparation of the visit. The last thing she needed was to embarrass herself in front of her newest friend.

"We're done talking, so you can come back down now, Tana." She noted, halfway startling the girl who had been splitting her attention between the food and a youtube video of what appeared to be a captive honey badger using a rake to escape its pen.

"Oh, okay." Santana noted, closing down the video and grabbing her food and drink. "And…Tana? I've heard you call me San before, but Tana's new."

Rachel felt a little sheepish over the shortening of the girl's name, but she felt it really did allow for two perfectly viable options. 'San' seemed a little more casual, while 'Tana' seemed a little more cute or playful. "I'll stick with San if you want. I just thought it would be okay to mix things up, but if…"

"It's cool, Rach. I'm good with both." Santana noted with a shrug and an easy smile, following Rachel out of the room and to the stairwell. It was honestly a bit of a relief to know she was given the green light to be so casual with Santana; Rachel had never had the best, most enduring friendships, so she'd rarely gotten used to such things.

She was about to make note of that history when she realized that Santana had forgone the selection of steaks her fathers had barbecued and instead chosen a Portobello burger to go with the baked potatoes and greens.

"San, you didn't have to go with the vegan option, you know. You could have had meat." Rachel remarked as they descended the stairs, the diva curious as to why her newest friend went with the mushroom burger instead. During their trip in New York, Santana hadn't shied away from meat, she thought, so Rachel wasn't sure why the girl decided to do so today.

"It looked good and I didn't want anything heavy sitting in my stomach all night. Besides, it's, like, your place. I didn't want you to be totally surrounded by people eating steak when you're vegan." Santana noted a little awkwardly, not sounding entirely sure of herself in her explanation, or at least not sounding completely confident. It was kind of sweet that the girl did as much with her in mind, but it really was unnecessary. Still, as they neared the table, it opened up room for some humour to help keep the mood light.

"I suppose that's understandable and kind, if that IS the reason for you choosing the burger. Are you sure it's not because the steak is meatiocre?" Rachel asked with a grin, the men at the table all turning their attention toward the two girls as they sat back in their seats. Her fathers were the ones who bestowed upon her their punny sense of humour, so they were predictably chuckling, and Juan was giving her this happily surprised expression. Santana, however, looked positively ashen.

"Rachel, my dear, I think we're going to get along fantastically. Steak jokes are a rare medium well done." Juan noted with a smile, and Rachel couldn't help but giggle at his seamless follow-up. Beside her, Santana was mumbling a string of Spanish words

"I agree, Juan. Now, I know you prefer the steaks that were cooked up, but if you'd like to have a burger as well, don't worry about me. I'd love to have another, but I'm afraid I don't have mush room left." She added, patting her stomach lightly, her and Juan's back and forth prompting her fathers to join in on the fun as their lighthearted dinner continued. She was feeling pretty fantastic about it all, really, and was happy to see her fathers taking well to Santana and her father.

* * *

"I think that went well." Her father noted as they drove across town on their way home from the Berry's household. "They're good people."

Of course her father would say as much. Not that the Berrys weren't deserving of that credit, because they were all pretty fantastic, but the forty five minutes of non-stop puns and dad jokes made for just about the most horrifying span of time she'd had at a social gathering since Berry's alcohol fest earlier in the year. It wasn't nearly as bad as the time her father spoke only in puns to Brittany way back when, but it was too reminiscent of that day for her to easily shake it off. The fact is, Santana's sense of humour only sometimes matched her dad's, and to have been surrounded by puns and dad jokes for much of the rest of the visit was just disconcerting.

"I can't believe I managed to make friends with a family who have the same freaky sense of humour as yours. I just…I can't believe it." Santana muttered against the glass of the passenger side window, just wanting to go home, get her homework done, and rest. It'd been a fun dinner, jokes aside; thankfully, they took pity on her eventually, and pulled out a quick game of Scattergories. Lopez Fact# 37: No one beats Santana at Scattergories. Her undefeated record of 49-0 since she first played back in grade five was proof enough of that. It was kind of exciting, because she hadn't played it since Quinn literally burned her game to ashes in the Fabray fireplace the previous year.

"You picked well. They're a sane, funny bunch of people, much like me." Her dad said, laughing loudly practically into her ear, as if to make a point how funny it was that she was now surrounded by more people like him. He'd always known his sense of humour didn't exactly mesh with hers, and often used it to embarrass her, but all through her life he'd been the only one. It had been bearable. Now he had all three of the Berrys to help, and so, he was celebrating.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Let it out of your system, I'm sure you're feeling pretty happy that your only daughter's life may very well be infused with three times your special brand of torture as before. No big." She deadpanned, rolling her eyes as she watched the buildings pass; Santana was pretty sure her dad was driving five under the limit just to make this moment last longer, but she wasn't about to look his way for proof. That'd just give him an excuse to tease her more.

"In all seriousness, Rachel seems like a sweet kid. Excitable and a little intense, but sweet." He added, his tone shifting to what she'd long considered 'dad-speak', which was when he sounded casual about something he was very serious about.

Needless to say, it had her on edge a bit, enough to sort of set her off balance for a moment. "Uh…yeah. Yeah, she's definitely all of the above."

"And you're just friends with her?" He added a little more quickly than she would have expected, not really expecting the drive home to turn into a rapid-fire round of questions. Also, the 'just' in his question was throwing her off a little.

"Yeah, we're friends. We worked things out in New York and we're cool now." She answered just as quickly, not about to let her dad set the pace too comfortably; he needed to know she was taking him seriously, and wasn't about to be a vague, pissy teenager. In short, she wanted him to get to the point.

"So you saying earlier that if you were dating, it'd be a cause for a celebration…"

"Meant exactly that." She interrupted, not caring for him to finish that sentence, because it wasn't going to lead anywhere good. "It'd be fantastic if she was into me, but I'm happy with friends. I can have crushes and not ruin everything, okay? Have a little faith."

"I do. I just want to say I think it's best that you both remain strictly friends until everything's worked out and you both know where you stand." He clarified, or perhaps not so much, because Santana had no idea what he was getting at. Seriously, she took a few seconds to process it and it only flared her temper.

"Okay, hold up. You spend what, three hours with Rachel and you're telling ME to figure my crap out? And that you know what needs 'working out'? After I spent a whole week alone with her?" She asked, the heat in her tone filtering in gradually with each syllable until she felt like she had a fire lit under her.

"Santana…" He began, and it was her father's slightly condescending warning tone in his voice that put her over the edge. Because fuck, she hated talking about her feelings so openly, but she hated being talked down to and told how she felt even more.

"No! No, you don't get to do this. You may see people like her every week, okay, but that doesn't mean you know her better than I do, or that I have to get my shit together or my head on straight. I may be newly friends with her, but I've known her since she was eight. I've had a stupid little crush on her for years now, and getting to know her better only made it easier to know exactly how I…how I feel about her, okay? So don't tell me I need to figure out where I 'stand', because I know I'm her friend first until she decides otherwise, because I know she needs that control and space." She ranted, staring hard out in front of them, furious that she had to even say any of this and defend herself, and furious they were stuck at a red light, because it meant it would take longer to get home, where she could perform her own sort of diva storm-out.

Santana took a deep breath, but held her hand up toward her dad in case he felt like speaking because fuck it, she wasn't done yet. "She's got baggage, I get that. I saw that firsthand, alright? I know it's not going away soon. She needs me as a friend right now, and I'm thrilled to be that. Plus, she knows what she wants, and she's loud, so she'll tell me what she needs from me because that's her deal, okay? So I'm right where I need to be right now. And I'm ready for it, so don't tell me anything about me needing to figure my crap out, or how I need to think about her differently, or that I need to back off. You help how you can, and let me handle whatever comes my way."

The light shifted almost comically from red to green as her rant finished, her father nodding his head in some sort of understanding as the vehicle accelerated through the intersection. Santana looked at her surroundings, noticing it was about a seven minute drive home from where they currently were. A bit too long for her liking.

"Santana, I understand why you're upset, and I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong. It's just I'm your father…it's my job to worry about you. As much as you know about your friend, there's likely to be just as much that you don't, and while I know you hate to acknowledge it, I was a teenager once." Her father began as they drove down the streets of Lima toward their home, and she couldn't help but groan at the memory of all the stories he'd told her of back when he was her age. Some of them had been mortifying, and she was honestly shocked that she ever came to be, because he was such a weirdo. "I know you, and I love you, my Santana. I'll always support you, no matter what, but if you try to rush things with this girl in an attempt to get closer or to help her, like I know you'll want to, two people are likely going to get hurt. That is all I'm saying."

Santana felt her anger cool off at that, knowing her dad did have some sort of relevant point. She kind of got ahead of herself sometimes, and she really DID just want Rachel to get to where she felt comfortable as soon as possible. Wanting that, though, and not knowing the specifics on the way to go about it could lead to some missteps, and she knew her tendency to fall to her impulses could undermine her. So her dad? He made a teensy bit of sense. Still didn't mean Santana liked how he said what he said at the start, or that she agreed with everything, but she'd eventually get over it.

As soon as they parked the car in the driveway, Santana was out the car door and soon through the front door as well, quickly making her way up to her room to relax and digest the weird evening she'd experienced. Sure, it had been good, but between the puns and the somewhat intense talk with her dad in the car, it was a bit weird too.

Honestly, she'd thought that the Berry household would be a vegan paradise, but the girl's dads were definitely meat eaters. Obviously, they respected her diet enough to make sure she had something for herself, but it had definitely been a bit of a surprise to not see a fully vegan meal at dinner. Santana could only hope that the dads would eat a bunch of veggie stuff too all the time so that Berry wouldn't feel a bit left out.

"But hell, I guess if they don't, I could cook up some stuff. I mean, I love meat, but I've been used to salads and shit since I started with the Cheerios, so…" She mumbled to herself, as she grabbed her phone from her nightstand and scanned it for messages. _Q wanting a ride tomorrow…Q wanting…seriously, fuck her if she thinks I'm getting up early enough to pick her up coffee and breakfast too. The Lima Bean and McKinley are all the way across town, and she's just a few damn streets away, I'd have to…ugh._ Santana sighed at her predicament, shaking her head as she started up a reply. _But she wouldn't ask if she didn't need it, so whatever. She's at least paying for my mocha._

Santana scanned through a few more, mostly from various cheerios still on the squad; it was a little weird to have a mixed reputation where some saw her as cruel, manipulative and up for poisoning anyone to get ahead, while others ran to her for a shoulder to cry on or for help with personal stuff. Much like the whole thing at the Berry household, that rep was weird, but there were perks. She may not have been ready to come out yet to the school, but Santana knew for certain that no matter what, the Cheerios would have her back. Or, at least, the vast majority of them would.

Glee liked to fashion itself as a family, but she'd never truly felt part of it, if it was legit at all. No matter what she did, many still gave her the stink eye, or looked at her suspiciously whenever she did anything out of the ordinary. The Cheerios may have had some of the craziest bitches in the school on the squad, but it never mattered so long as they could perform. And so long as they could perform, they would have a slew of girls on their side if shit went down. Only during a small period in sophomore year after Quinn was kicked out had their fellowship broken, and both Brittany and Santana had pushed the point home about all of their personal struggles. The eating disorders, the breakups, the expectations from parents, the divorces; there were so many on the squad that had dealt with shit, and everyone knew they could at least have an ear from any other member. Santana? She was just one of the more sought out ones.

After replying to a few of those messages, Santana got to a text from Rachel, sent probably right after she and her father had left the Berry household.

' _Hello Santana! I just wanted to thank you again for coming over for dinner. It really made my night, and I was thrilled to cement our friendship through food and fun. Please message me back to let me know you got home safely :) –R*'_

Santana shook her head at the length and formality of it all. Seriously, Berry needed to understand that texts weren't equivalent to written letters, and that a concise message, or shorthand version of words, were preferred.

' _Home safe :) & No prob, it was fun. Just let me know if Fri or Sat is best for our next cookup.'_

Santana pressed send and flopped back on her bed; it'd been a long day, and she hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night, so she was kind of dead tired. Her bed was singing its silent siren song that nearly had her rolling onto her side and snuggling up against her pillow for a good night's sleep. Nearly. She wasn't a cavewoman, after all; she'd brush her teeth and do her night time shit like any civilized person would.

Thankfully, the buzzing of her phone sealed the deal on remaining awake like a reasonable human being.

' _Thank you for the courtesy, San. I talked it over with my fathers, and Friday evening would be perfect, as they're heading into Columbus for dinner and a show. Would 6pm work for you? -R*'_

Santana shifted back on her bed as she read the new text, rolling her eyes at the girl's insistence of typing everything out practically in paragraph form.

' _6pm sounds great to me. And what's the verdict on me from your dads? Nothin bad I hope?'_

Santana slipped off her bed at that, deciding to take a few minutes to wash up and brush her teeth before settling in early for the night. Sleep was pretty much a precious commodity, and Santana was in desperate need of some.

It didn't take long to finish her nightly routine, prep her backpack for the next day, and roll back onto her bed, her limbs instantly relaxing at the contact. It was only more buzzing that ensured Santana kept awake enough to take hold of her phone and get herself under the covers.

' _Both my dad and daddy found you quite agreeable, San. But you know this, from dinner and everything. They're hardly the type to be two-faced. I'm sure your dad is very much the same, from what I gather. -R*'_

Santana couldn't help but chuckle at the seeming offense Rachel had taken in questioning whether she'd been well received by the Berry men. She honestly just couldn't rule out the possibility of them knowing about her from the past, and that legit had her on edge about it all. Santana thought it was a pretty legitimate concern.

' _I'm just saying, I wasn't nice to you 1_ _st_ _and 2_ _nd_ _yr. Maybe they found out. And no, my dad's pretty chill'_

At that, she started working to get comfier, because while she could definitely sleep anywhere, she wanted to have the best sleep she'd had in a long time. That meant spraying her pillow with some of that lavender vanilla stuff, and fluffing up her comforter on the left side so she wouldn't roll too far that way, instead probably just ending up happily tangled in warm, comfy cotton. Santana was happy enough with her minor efforts that at the sound of her phone buzzing, she decided it'd likely be the last text for the night.

' _Considering how your dad helped me tonight, I would say chill is an understatement. I truly appreciate his help in getting my health closer to the right track. And I appreciate you for letting me bring it up at dinner. Thank you, Tana. - R*'_

Santana smiled at the text; she hadn't officially heard what had happened at the table while she'd been upstairs, and she was sure that she'd hear about it the next day at lunch. It was nice to know beforehand that it had gone well. Her dad was a good guy, and she was happy that he was able to help out.

' _Glad he stepped up 4 you, Rach. & You know how I roll…you're always welcome. But I'm super sleepy, so I gotta go. Sleep tight, R*. Night!'_

Santana barely had shifted over on the bed to place her phone on her nightstand when it vibrated in her hands.

' _I wish you the sweetest of dreams, Santana. I'll see you tomorrow! -R*'_

The weirdly formal first part of the text brought a smile to her face as she dropped her phone onto the top of the stand, turned off her lamp, and rolled back to her really awesome smelling pillow, totes ready for bed. And hopefully, after a tiring and eventful day, she would indeed have the sweetest of dreams.


	8. Chapter 8

With the end of the semester approaching, Rachel couldn't help but feel a little lighter, knowing she'd done all of her preparations for her remaining finals. It wasn't enough to shake the disappointment of losing at Nationals, or the assured loneliness that summer tended to usher into her life, but it was enough to keep her more or less upbeat as the days passed.

While they didn't share many classes at all, Santana had also provided a fairly nice boost to her mood across the week, her friend hanging out with her during lunch and spare, as well as sitting beside her in world history class each day of the week so far. It was a nice change of pace, quite frankly, and it provided the added benefit of scaring Finn away from her during those times of the day. The boy had been rather aggressive in trying to get her attention over the week, and it would have been much more exhausting and annoying having to spend all of her lunch and spare period avoiding Finn.

However, when Friday morning rolled around, it seemed he'd changed tactics with some help from Kurt, both boys waiting at her locker when she arrived. It was early, far earlier than she knew either of the two were used to being at school, but she supposed she could acknowledge their efforts and hopefully nip the whole issue in the bud quickly.

"Good morning! I see you both are up bright and early, and occupying the space in front of my locker, so may I ask what the occasion is?" She inquired, stopping about a foot away from them both, having hoped they would give her enough room to open her locker, but Finn's bulky body was still preventing access.

"It seemed to be the only time you weren't in the grasp of Satan herself. You're worrying us, Rachel." Kurt stated somewhat playfully, if sardonic, Finn adding a stilted nod of his own to his step-brother's words.

Rachel just shook her head and let out a laugh. "Oh come on, you two, be serious. Kurt, we share three classes together. You could talk to me through all of art class if you weren't so invested with you and Mercedes' gossip time. Or at lunch, or after school, if you didn't have a one-track mind when it comes to Blaine. And Finn, I told you that I'm happy to sit down and chat with you so long as it's not about what happened on stage during nationals, or about our romantic history together. Each of the four times you've managed to corner me this week, you've tried bringing those up, so obviously I'm going to be hesitant in talking with you." Rachel explained at length, feeling a little affronted that Kurt would accuse her of vanishing on him. Finn, she could see the argument, but she'd initiated both conversations she'd had with Kurt that week, and even tried texting him once on Wednesday night, only to be told that Blaine was over and he was busy.

"Wait...are you comparing Kurt and Blaine to you and Santana? Because...Rach..." Finn noted worriedly as he took a step forward, Rachel taking a step backward in kind. He was already quite a bit taller than her, she didn't want to crane her neck up and down to have a conversation with him and Kurt.

"Did I say that? I said that Blaine often has Kurt too occupied to spend time with me, both in and outside of school. This week, outside of Monday evening, I've spent all of my school nights at home, alone. My phone was nearby, as was my computer for a Skype chat. If anyone wanted to get a hold of me, it wouldn't have been difficult at all." Rachel countered, holding up her hand as Finn went to speak, looking a little too accusatory for her liking. "Finn, you texted me seventeen times, each having a message of some sort wanting to talk about 'us'. Which I took in the romantic sense. Was I correct?"

Finn blushed and slumped back against the locker, which was sad, because Rachel still liked him enough as a friend, and didn't want him to be upset. It was also sad because Rachel really did want to get into her locker, and now he was blocking it. She had things to do; usually, she'd practice vocals in the choir room before classes, but all her sheet music was locked away.

"Okay, fair enough on our lack of effort. But...still, Satan? Are you really going to fall for that?" Kurt asked, his question so full of cynicism and amusement that Rachel would have to be an infant not to understand he was openly mocking her and questioning her judge of character.

Rachel couldn't help but sigh, knowing it could be another one of those days where 'Kurt the Friend' had disappeared, and 'Kurt the Suspicious Condescending Arsehole' took his place.

"May I remind you, Kurt, that I spent an entire week living in a hotel room with her? That while everyone was spending their 'work' days out in the city, we spent ours together fine-tuning the competition songs? That we even spent a full free day together out in the city and watched RENT when we got back?" She asked, her tone growing slightly more aggressive as she continued, only growing more annoyed when the boy's eyebrow quirked up in skepticism. "We had a lot of fun that week. And when my luggage was accidentally sent to Miami, she lent me clothes, and spent her free day buying me more while I was out on the town with you. Santana...that's her name, not 'Satan'... kept me company when everyone else preferred to avoid me, but she's also a good person and good company, something you'd know if you just gave her a chance."

"Yeah, but we're back in Lima now. Do you really think she'll be your friend here?" Finn asked, a surprisingly lucid question, all things considered.

Rachel took in a deep breath, a massive rant on the tip of her tongue before she stilled. _No, they aren't worth it. They're not worth the fuss, or the frustration, and if they care about me, they'll come around..._

"Yes. All week, she's publicly been friendly with me, and has defended me against slushies, which at the very least sent a message to your football team, Finn, if not the rest of the school. She came over for a family dinner with her father as well on Monday, and she's either called or texted me every day to keep in touch, so yes...I do believe she's my friend here. I trust her." She stated concisely and politely, brushing Kurt aside and prodding Finn until he cleared room in front of her locker. "And now, if that matter is settled, I'd be happy to talk with you about more pleasant things on my way to the choir room."

Rachel swiftly swapped the contents of her bag with what she'd need for practice and her first two classes before looking over her shoulder at both boys, who stood there listlessly. "No? Oh, well then. I hope you enjoy your days! Say hi to Blaine for me, Kurt!" She announced as she closed her locker and walked off toward her destination, feeling a little relieved that she'd gotten the minor conflict over with, hoping that Finn would back off for at least a little while. Of course, Rachel also hoped Kurt would designate a little more of his time with her as well after the bit of friendly criticism, but given his devotion to Blaine, she wasn't about to hold her breath.

She was halfway down the hall before the pattering of feet signaled her to slow a little, that she was being followed. The sharper sound against the tile flooring made it quite clear it was Kurt, which while not entirely distracting her from her plans to practice, did potentially complicate them, even if it was nice to have garnered his attention.

"Rachel, wait." Kurt asked as he fell in alongside her, slowing to her slightly elevated pace. "You know I'm just looking out for you." He added, which had Rachel's stomach twisting in knots, or at least it felt like it.

Rachel wrapped an arm around her stomach, feeling a little worried that her practice might have to be delayed further, and that Kurt might press harder about her newfound friendship with Santana. "I know you mean well, Kurt, but I don't need looking after. You know I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"It's just...isn't this all just a little sudden? I mean...this is Santana. Since when does she of all people practically hang all over her friends during lunch and breaks between classes? Rachel, since when does she actually make NEW friends?" Kurt argued, and while Rachel supposed she could see his point, at least regarding the shock of her and Santana more than getting along, he really had misread her newest friend.

Rachel pulled open the door to the choir room and made her way over to the piano bench, resting her bag on the ground beside her. "Kurt, if I have to reiterate facts to make it clear again, you're aware I spent practically all week with Santana, aren't you? From the evening you and I went our separate ways after our day out on the city, through to the day of our return, I only spent small periods of time away from her. And that when she found me panicking from my lost luggage emergency, she lent me her clothes...the very ones I wore on my day out with you, a day she spent buying me a week's worth of clothes so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. When I fell ill from a suspected bout of food poisoning later in the week, she stayed up through the wee hours of the morning with me to make sure I was okay. She's my friend."

Kurt sluggishly plopped down beside her and smoothed his hands over the keys. "I'll...give her some credit for helping when you felt sick, but for as much as Santana talks up her ridiculous 'Lima Heights Adjacent' reputation, I'm well aware she's on the wealthier end of Lima residents. So she spent a little money on your wardrobe...she always hated your sweaters, it was a golden opportunity to have you try something new and hope it'd stick. I wouldn't chalk that up as her being nice, not necessarily."

Of course, Kurt's perspective was absurd, because as far as Rachel felt, Santana going so far out of her way, and probably using up half of one of her precious free days on her, was a rather clear show of kindness. Still, it was clear Kurt was skeptical, and perhaps he had reason to be, just as she had before, although Santana had never humiliated her via makeover before like Kurt had. Not that Rachel would bring that bit of history up, but it wasn't as if he hadn't bullied her as well in the past.

"If you must know, when we weren't collaborating, we were usually talking, watching musicals, and goofing off. That final free day of ours, which you spent with Mercedes? Santana decided to handcuff herself to me for the day, and we had a wonderfully pleasant time exploring Manhattan together. And...Kurt, the city is so good for her. She was happy, and calm, and playful, and...she made a simple day of getting a feel for the city into a lot of fun. She's a good friend of mine now, Kurt. You need to accept that." Rachel explained at length, hoping a little extra detail would help him see what she saw, without having to be intricate in her reasoning. The last thing she needed to do was provide too specific of details and have Kurt get too curious.

"But that's the thing! It took a week for you two to be...to be practically bosom buddies! That doesn't seem the least bit suspicious to you?" Kurt asked, cheeks turning a little redder as he was clearly growing a little flustered. Honestly, he seemed a little hung up on the speed of her and Santana's friendship, and seemed to be taken off guard by it. Which, really, was unnecessary.

"Kurt, when we met each other in grade six, it took us fifteen minutes before I declared you to be my best friend forever. The moment you said you liked musicals and Judy Garland, I was sold. It took me all of a day to become fairly close friends with Tina, much of that bond taking place over a brief two hour study session on trigonometry. When I figure out who I want in my life, I rarely hold back. That it took almost a whole week to get fully comfortable with calling Santana my friend is actually abnormal compared to my other friendships." Rachel shot back, hoping a little trip down memory lane would help shore up the rest of his worries.

Kurt's extended, airy sigh, however, almost had Rachel rolling her eyes at his insistence to keep up his protestations. "It's not your tendency to form swift friendships that's concerning, Rachel. It's Santana...she's not a friendly person. Yet, ever since we got back from New York she's been spending all this time with you, and smiling at you, and...even hugging you! Santana!"

Internally, Rachel felt her very discreetly hidden bull crap detector swing hard, her eyes rolling in tandem as she shook her head in disbelief at his remarks. "Santana smiles at her friends all the time. And she's affectionate with Brittany and Quinn, too, that's never remotely been a secret. She gave me a chance at being her friend as much as I gave her one, and we happened to click, so I don't see what's concerning."

Kurt's hand on her thigh at least let Rachel know Kurt was nearing his limit. Not that he was entirely averse to making contact with the 'fairer' sex, but he was usually uncomfortable doing so, which she could at least respect to some degree.

"And you don't find it concerning that you've compared yourself to Brittany? With...those two's coloured history?" Kurt asked softly, and while she was happy that he'd finally gotten to the point he'd been dancing around throughout the conversation, it was a point that managed to still the world around her, if only for a heartbeat or two.

Rachel had known about Santana and Brittany's covert affairs since early sophomore year when she was putting up posters advertising the glee club and overheard both girls getting rather active in a janitor's closet. And then a few other times since, but she really hadn't been looking for them, honest.

Kurt's question did raise a bit of concern, though. _After all, I did get...sort of hot and heavy with Santana back in New York, if just for a little bit, and perhaps not actually sincerely. Though, on that I can't be sure it wasn't. And we've been in a number of intimate situations together, and she's held and kissed me more times than I cared to count. But...but if Santana's affectionate and intimate with each of her close friends, then how is it possible to tell if she sees me as a friend, or more, or...well..._

"Trust me, Kurt...if Santana wanted to take advantage of me, or do anything nefarious with me, she could have easily done so in New York. If she wanted more than the affection that exists between us, she would make it clear, but all she's sought out has been my friendship. All of the...confidential history aside, Brittany has been Santana's best friend for years. I could only hope to earn a similar platonic bond so quickly." Rachel argued, trying her best to be tactful and reassuring, but doing so while covering up her own mounting uncertainty was difficult.

Before, she was certain Santana only saw her as a friend, but the link with Brittany muddied things up a little; even if the odds were still quite in favor of Santana only seeing her as a friend, it was a little harder to be certain of that now, even if the odds heavily swung in one particular direction. _Well, maybe I'll poke that proverbial hornet's nest this evening and see what comes of it..._

"And do you hope for the same for Santana?" Kurt asked, a question that seemingly ignored much of her response until Rachel's brain caught up to his meaning.

"Kurt, you may be my rival half the time, but if you're worried about me replacing you with Santana, don't. Each of you brings something unique to our friendships...kind of like how you go to Mercedes to gossip and talk fashion, but come to me to talk about new music and Broadway productions." Rachel answered, placing a hand atop Kurt's, hoping to send the message that yes, he was still a part of her life, even if she'd been prioritizing Santana lately.

Kurt's hand rotated and laced itself around Rachel's, a gesture likely signifying the end of the somewhat tumultuous and frustrating discussion. "That...look, I'm sorry for pressing so hard with this. Musical marathon tonight? Just the two of us?"

Rachel smiled and nudged Kurt's shoulder with her own, feeling happy he'd made the call to resume their somewhat regular routine. He'd been so busy with Blaine lately that it'd been difficult finding time to spend together, and it seemed that his coming face to face with a similar situation between her and Santana opened his eyes to that. "I already booked this evening with Santana, but my Saturday is more or less clear after eleven in the morning. Perhaps a late lunch at mine, then a marathon?"

She hoped pairing both friends up with meals would help Kurt feel less out of place, and her dinner with Santana seem less conspicuous, and it seemed to have worked as Kurt rose up from the bench with a relieved smile.

A brief hug and a pair of farewells later, Rachel was relieved to have settled her friendship issues with Kurt, and to still have time for a short practice session. Yes, confusion over Santana aside, it was shaping up to be a good day.

* * *

Santana couldn't help but smile as she approached her locker Friday morning, feeling damn pleased the week was almost over. The weather was heating up something serious, her extra-curriculars were almost all over, same with her finals, and a hint of freedom was in the air; it was always the same each school year near the end, where summer was a stone's throw away, but Santana was a little more excited that Friday than usual given her plans with her newest friend later that day. She'd talked with Rachel here and there all week long about what they could make for dinner, and she'd spent at least an hour the previous night deciding on what recipes would work best with what Rachel had chosen for a salad. It didn't seem to matter to Berry that Santana had offered to do the cooking for the night, Rachel was insistent on contributing something, and she couldn't deny the diva that much, at least.

Not that it made much difference, and the idea of having another cook in the kitchen during prep was maybe a tiny improvement on the original plan.

Santana quickly spun out her lock's combination and pulled the door open, barely needing ten seconds to sweep the first two period's books into her bag before her locker was shut again and she was off to homeroom. The warning bell had rang out just as she'd entered the school, so she had to be a little more efficient unless she wanted Mr. Rosenthal breathing down her neck for being a few seconds late again. Word was he was in place to become vice principal next year which, given his disdain for her, made him a potential issue and had Santana treading as lightly as possible.

Sure, she wasn't going to allow herself to lose out on precious beauty sleep, but she'd hustle a little more than usual until summer break hit.

"Hey, Lopez! Wait up!" Puck's voice carried through the halls, his heavy footfalls chasing after her as she kept her steady pace. They shared homeroom, so he'd catch up, managing to fall in line beside her just as they neared their class. "Jeez, never let it be said you don't make a man work for it, Snix."

Santana just smirked as she strode into the room and found her usual seat at the back, Puck oddly grabbing the usually vacant one to her left. Normally he sat by Sam over on the other side of class, so the change in pattern maybe had her a little wary of him.

"What do you want, Puck?" She asked, tapping her fingers impatiently on her desk and staring at the front of the class where their soon to be VP was talking to Hailey Clarke about something or other.

"You haven't answered my texts lately." Puck added, and Santana could only shoot him a disbelieving glare, because really, did he expect her to coddle him over not being able to mount the white rhino yet? Apparently he seemed to catch on pretty quickly to her lack of concern, and shifted gears as he leaned forward with a more serious expression on his face. "You've been hanging around with my jewbro a lot, too."

Santana gave a shrug in response, not really sure where he was going with that. It wasn't like Puck was the most perceptive dude in the world, but he had his moments sometimes, and Santana could respect that enough to not write him off. Or, well, tell him to go fuck himself, at least.

"Turns out she's pretty cool. We're good now...is that a problem for you?" She responded, hoping to gauge exactly what was so serious, or what could be attributed to that hint of concern in his eyes.

"I'm not sure I'd say she's cool, but I've known her since middle school. Don't fuck around with her, alright?" Puck more threatened than asked, and Santana couldn't help but feel she'd somehow stumbled into an interrogation of sorts.

She'd never been particularly good about feeling like her back was against the wall, and that morning wasn't fantastic enough to free her from her usual moodiness. "Excuse you? Lean the fuck back and get the hell out of my business." Santana seethed, turning her focus away from the boy with the road kill haircut and back toward the front of class.

Puck's hand reached out, taking hold of her forearm, and like hell if she was going to put up with that, her own hand immediately digging its nails into his as a friendly little sign to back the hell off. He let go with a partially stifled yowl that drew a little attention from nearby students, but a quick glare had them looking back toward the head of class again.

"Okay, okay, fucking ouch, Lopez!" Puck whispered with a wince as he pulled his arm away and shook it, as if that'd relieve the pain he was feeling. "Look, it's just that you two have been all touchy-feely. And it looks sometimes like you're a second away from grabbing her ass and macking on her neck or whatever."

Santana was happy her skin kept her blushing from being real visible, because had those thoughts filtered through her mind here and there? Abso-fucking-lutely. But Puck didn't need to know that.

"Only in your wildest wet dreams, Puck. She's affectionate as hell and I can control myself." Santana shot back, internally grimacing at letting that last bit slip, which had a curious grin spreading across Puck's face. Fuck.

"So you DO want to get all up on my Jewish-American princess." Puck asserted, sending Santana a glare that dared her to challenge him on that. And like hell if she was going to back down and just let him assume shit, because he was almost as bad a gossip as Ebony and Ivory. Better to lay out a bite of potentially embarrassing information in order to take him off his current trail.

"No, I don't, she's just a friend. It's just... I haven't gotten any in a while and I get urges, but it's not personal. I can appreciate that she's got a rocking body under all that argyle, okay? That's it." She bit back, but it became perfectly clear that he wasn't buying it as he just held his glare. Seriously, it was supposed to be an easy Friday morning, and Santana didn't want to have to deal with nosy gleeks pressing her about things they didn't need to know. "Seriously, why are you giving me hell over this?"

"Fuck, I'm just looking out for her and shit. She's all weird and innocent, okay? But just because Brittany's with Artie all the time now doesn't mean you can slot Berry into her old place, especially at parties. She doesn't deserve that." Puck's words were low and may as well have been chiseled like fucking granite by how he glared at her knowingly, his assertions burning a pit into Santana's chest that stung more than she'd care to admit.

She'd been careful in the past with Brittany, but it's not like no one knew. They'd brought some guys in to watch at times, and played it off as a game, or something to get guys all hot and bothered or whatever, and it's not like Puck hadn't sat in a few times himself. Sure, he thought she was heteroflexible, but that didn't impact his day to day treatment of her now that he'd stopped trying to sext her. If he thought she'd try and pull Berry into that kind of scene, though, that WOULD make a mess.

"This has nothing to do with B, so fuck right off with that. Rachel's earned her OWN place with me, and that's between us, but I'm not looking to play around with her for some shitstain's sake, if that's what you're saying. I'm not gonna use her for rep, and fuck you for thinking I would, asshole." Santana grit out, Puck's hands lifting in surrender as he shifted back in his seat, clearly appeased that Santana wasn't going to use Rachel in show & tell at one of his parties or whatever.

As if Rachel would ever want to, and as if she'd subject Berry to that. It was nightmare fuel enough for her, whenever Santana thought back to those nights, and she wasn't chomping at the bit to get back to any of that kind of sketchy horseshit. Add that to the fact that she gave plenty of signs to Puck over the past months that she hated playing those sorts of games, and it was even more insulting that he'd even bring it up as a possibility.

"I'm just saying, don't play around with her." Puck added, his voice really long past having grated her nerves. Santana just didn't get how he could be so pushy with his even more checkered history.

"Like you have any room to say that shit to me, or anyone, after how you toyed with her while she dated Finn, and let her get assaulted a few times a week for years. Hell, even did some yourself...so why don't you let the dead squirrel on your head sink into your brain a little, and when you're smart enough to realize how fucked up you've been, give me a text. Last thing I want to hear all day is your voice again." Santana seethed, her posture growing stiff as she forced her full focus at the front of the class where their teacher was taking attendance.

_Honestly, who's he to call me out on this? I haven't been perving on Rachel...sure, she looked really good yesterday, even with her mix-and-matching between the stuff I bought her in the city and her own wardrobe. It was, like...weirdly cute, and kind of sexy, but I didn't ogle her or anything. Not like how Puck does every single goddamn day of the week. And it's not like I've even had sex with THAT many people or anything, and definitely no more than a single girl, so what the heck got him thinking...eh._ Santana shook her head slightly and let out a sigh. _Puck probably just saw us together and his imagination-slash-spank bank ran away with things. Let's not over-think anything here..._

Santana sat as Mr. Rosenthal slowly made his way through attendance, and let out a relieved sigh once the national anthem was played and she could head off to her first real class of the day. Friday had gotten off to a promising start before being derailed by a muscle-bound asshole, and Santana just wanted to get everything back on track as soon as possible.

That goal bounced around her skull as she got up from her seat and waited for her slow peers to shuffle into the hallway, knowing her music theory class would be a bit of a fun cakewalk. Ms. Kempa was a pretty easygoing teacher and kind of just let Santana do her own thing so long as she completed the exercises and assignments beforehand. And since she'd finished all the coursework already, that just meant she'd spend her class fiddling on some of her projects and occasionally grabbing some insight from her teacher when the woman could find time to.

It took a while, but eventually Santana got out of her homeroom, and casually made her way toward her class on the other side of the school. The halls were packed, and it was still a little odd transitioning to a reality where people wouldn't part like the red sea for her, but it was part of the price paid to stick with glee and, with the exception of the disappointment at nationals, maintain the best part of her day. Sure, winning cheerleading championships was great and all, but it wasn't her future like music was, and as much as the gleeks frustrated the hell out of her a lot of the time, she'd trade winning and some of that social capital to keep them all together as a group.

_Besides, glee is good for B and Q...Britt needs a safe place to express herself and dance, while Q just needs a community to keep her from imploding, where she can let loose and be accepted for who she is or whatever, instead of who people expect her to be. I guess everyone kind of needs glee for some reason...Boy Chang loves to dance and I know his dad's always been super hellish about his grades since he got an A minus on an assignment in grade seven. Girl Chang needed a place to feel confident enough to quit stuttering and let herself be heard, Wheels needed..._

Ice-cold pain stole Santana away from her thoughts, her feet frozen in place as her shocked skin took note of the slushie covering her face and neck. _I got...slushied? What the HELL!_

"There, now you match your precious captain, Lopez." Santana could make out Azimio's taunting voice clearly, which was helpful since the slushie had gotten into her eyes and fucked up her vision, her fingers slowly wiping the mixture of flavoured corn syrup and food dye off her face.

It was enough of a delay for him to make a retreat, his hastened pace enough to let her know Azimio knew the consequences of his actions, so she fought through her humiliation and wounded pride, focused on eventual payback, and made a hurried beeline for the nearest restroom. Santana was pretty sure her eyes would have been on fire if it were possible, and the students in her way were practically leaping aside to let her pass unimpeded.

By the time she stormed into the smallish washroom by the computer lab, she was freezing cold with a red-hot fire of fury burning inside of her. She'd been slushied once before, by Karofsky of all people, who she blackmailed in turn, holding his sexuality hostage to get Kurt back to McKinley. Sure it'd been a particularly filthy play, but he'd been a terrible, violent closet-case, and needed a shove in the right direction. Santana had never claimed to be an angel. So Azimio? He would get what was coming to him.

It was when she stood in front of the sink mirror that Santana realized she didn't have a change of clothes. _Guess it was the wrong day to wear this top..._ She mused sadly as she stared at how quickly the grape drink's purple dye had seeped into her white peasant blouse. It was sort of a favourite of hers during hot weather, and unless she decided to take the morning off to try and rescue it and do laundry, Santana was pretty sure salvaging it would be a lost cause. _A damn shame...guess that's just one more reason to do a little shopping once school's over..._

Shaking her head at the immediate annoyance of her clothing being ruined and having let herself be put in that situation, Santana turned on the tap, waiting until the water was warm enough before dipping her hair underneath it to rinse the sticky mixture out, just needing to have as much evidence gone as soon as possible.

Santana was about seven minutes into her rather fruitless hair-care when the washroom door flung open, one Rachel Berry standing there all wide-eyed and out of breath, letting her wheeled pink backpack come to a full stop in front of her.

"I got here as quickly as I could, Santana. Are you okay?" Rachel blurted out, sounding ten kinds of worried as those warm brown eyes scanned Santana up and down as if looking for injuries. Her concern was kind of heartwarming, and had Santana feeling happy to have a friend like Berry at her side when a hard dose of reality managed to finish drilling through her admittedly thick skull, draining away any and all fury that remained in her, replacing it with heavy doses of shame and embarrassment.

_She rushed here...when she heard, she rushed to me, to see me and...and make sure I was alright, that I wasn't alone for this. How many times has she had to deal with this alone? How...how many times have I done that to her out of jealousy and spite, or just...left her to clean up alone?_ Santana thought, eyes watering up with tears that were thankfully hidden by wet curtains of her hair, given her head was still under the tap. Her heart felt as if it were filled with cement as it bashed against her ribcage, each beat and each breath being met with a sharp pain. _God, I don't deserve her here...no wonder Puck warned me and shit...sure, he's no better, but he's not the one fucking hugging Berry and...and hanging out with her and shit like I am, and...fuck, she's coming closer..._

Santana hastily lifted an outstretched hand toward Rachel and shook her head, needing a moment to chase away her encroaching nerves and ensure her voice would be at least somewhat clear when she eventually spoke. "I'm fine, okay? Thanks, but you should get back to class."

Santana's dismissal was met by the sight and sound of a diva-tastic foot stomp, though Berry did keep from coming closer, thankfully. Just having her within a few feet felt stifling, and made it hard to think straight. "I think Mr. Richardson can go without my presence for a few minutes, Santana. I've been his student assistant all year, and have a great rapport with him, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind, and I would honestly prefer being here with you until you're all cleaned up. I know I'd want help were I in your shoes."

_Twist that knife just a little more, Rach..._ Santana thought as she grimaced, cheeks flushing in embarrassment at Rachel basically admitting to having gone without help a tremendous amount of times before. _Not that she'd ever knowingly do that...God, I just can't...she can't be here! She shouldn't be here helping ME after EVERYTHING!_

"Just get out of here, Berry." Santana grit out, lifting her head from under the tap for a moment, hoping the diva would be scared off and leave, because fuck if it wasn't hard to just breathe with her in the same room. "Just...leave me the fuck alone."

Santana regretted the words as they spilled from her mouth, even if they did have Rachel taking a step backward. The diva's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared as Rachel stepped away from the pink backpack.

"There's shampoo and conditioner in there, as well as a comb, a facecloth, a towel, and an old t-shirt I use for gym class and situations such as this. You didn't need to curse at me, Santana. I'll go...but you WILL use what I've brought to clean yourself up, and you WILL return my bag when you're done." Berry stated, her words flinty and sharp, and before Santana could blink, the diva was gone, the door slipping shut again.

Santana had thought it'd feel better with Rachel gone and out of sight, that it'd feel like she could breathe again, that her mind would clear up again. Truth was, she didn't feel better at all; the sharp pains were replaced by a dull, spreading ache, and while her stormy thoughts cleared up, it was a heavy mixture of regret and loneliness that was left in its wake.

_So much for that...I feel a hell of a lot weaker now than before, if that's even possible...some friend I am..._ She thought with a wince, because yeah, it had been humiliating to be slushied, getting publicly marked and all. It had made her chest ache with rage and fear, her heart pounding out of her chest from the shock and adrenaline of having been attacked and, in Azimio's retreat, defeated to some degree.

But Rachel storming out on her after trying to help? That had her body and mind hurting, and that was pretty new and unexpected, not to mention unnerving. It had her feeling alone, and what good was strength with no one around?

_I just...I don't know. I don't think I deserve a shred of help from her, but...she came anyway. I didn't want her to see me like this...it's humiliating... but she knows how bad it can feel more than anyone, and I'm sure she didn't want me to feel like this, and had some corny canned speech about rising above and stuff..._ Santana mused as she glanced back toward the door. _Might'a been nice, really. It'd make up for the times I embarrassed myself in New York, at least..._

Turning her thoughts away from what could have been, Santana figured it'd just be best to focus on cleaning up with the help of Rachel's supplies, knowing Berry would rake her over the coals if she didn't use them. The noisy spray of water and the sound of her scrubbing the thick corn syrup from her hair were almost enough to drown out the nagging voices telling her she'd fucked up.

Santana knew she had. She knew from the pain in her chest that she shit the bed, and didn't need to stew on it any more than necessary because she couldn't do anything about it until she was clean. Santana just hoped that Rachel's forgiving nature would peek its head out and give her a shot at ensuring she hadn't ruined the rest of the day for them. Or, well, at least their plans.

It took an aggravating amount of time to wash the sticky corn syrup from her hair, but Santana managed to wash and condition it before styling it into a ponytail and loading it with as much product as she could to keep it from frizzing out over the rest of the day. After a quick mascara application, she slipped on Rachel's McKinley High t-shirt and packed the girl's bag back up as neatly as possible, not wanting to have an already upset Rachel biting her head off over not being tidy enough after her generosity. A brief look at her phone told her it'd been way longer than a usual washroom break, so Santana mentally planned out the route to Rachel's class and swung open the door with the wheeled pink monstrosity in tow.

A clearing of a throat when Santana was five steps away from the washroom stilled her in her tracks. Her head swung to the side to look over her shoulder and Santana could just barely suppress the urge to tell Rachel she was ridiculous for camping out instead of heading back to class, the stern and stormy expression on the diva's face letting her know that would have been a poor decision.

Without any fanfare, Santana swiftly rolled the backpack to a stop in front of Rachel and stood there feeling a little sheepish and pretty damn shamed, all things considered. She didn't like the feeling, it almost made her nauseous, but given Snixx had peeked her head out and bit at Rachel earlier in the washroom, she understood why it was swirling around in her chest.

"You realize that with my help, you could have been out here ten minutes ago." Rachel stated firmly, and yeah, Santana knew that, so she just nodded. She'd bet that the trade-off would have been worth it, but she had still felt like shit alone in there, so yeah, she could admit that much. "And you realize that I'm going to have to explain my absence to Mr. Richardson."

Now, Santana wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but she understood personal choice, and she didn't feel that taking the blame for Rachel's was necessarily fair. "I didn't ask you to wait out here, Rachel."

"You didn't have to, because friends do that for each other. Friends help each other." Rachel stressed, and while Santana kind of understood that, it wasn't anything she'd ever really expected from Quinn or Brittany. They'd do things without her asking sometimes, but they'd just as readily wait for her to come to them after the fact, which didn't exactly bother her. It was just a little hard to believe that Rachel would be much different than them.

"I get that, but you DID help me, and you could have gone back. I was just heading to your class to get you your stuff back." Santana noted with a slight shrug, unsure what else to say on that matter without turning up the bitchter scale on her newest friend.

"You..." Rachel started before swallowing and taking a deep breath, the diva's form slumping ever so slightly as Berry bowed her head, most of that furious anger dissipating into the hallway. "You might have changed your mind."

Santana's jaw clenched at how sad Rachel sounded, letting out a long breath through her nose as she willed herself to be honest. Because Berry had been good to her so far for the most part. They'd started something fresh and new, and maybe...just maybe...she could make the extra effort with her where she hadn't with the others.

"That wouldn't happen. Just...Rachel...I didn't mean to snap, but I didn't want you to see me like that, okay?" She managed to grit out, thankful her tone wasn't as harsh as the words felt coming out of her throat.

"Like what?" Rachel shot back quickly, appearing and sounding more confused than Santana had anticipated. She thought it was damn obvious enough given how she'd looked in the mirror at the start.

"Weak." Santana spoke sullenly, gaze meeting Rachel's for a moment until those soft brown eyes turned as hard as steel, and even shutting her eyes against the impending onslaught didn't give her reprieve from the light clacking steps of Rachel moving into her personal space.

"Santana, look at me." Rachel ordered, the diva tone almost intimidating in how icy it was. Hell, Santana was pretty sure Quinn would be impressed, all things considered. And while that was a nice thought to distract her from the situation at hand, Rachel's words immediately brought her back again, eyes cautiously opening to follow her friend's request. "Do I look weak to you? Do you think I'm weak?"

Santana felt her face flush in frustration as she shook her head again. "No, you're...you're strong as hell, okay? I know that, but..."

"So how could a slushie possibly make you weak, Santana?" Rachel shot back, interrupting Santana's not so articulate response, but it was a little aggravating that the diva didn't get it. Apparently she'd have to spell it out for Berry.

"It doesn't, but it makes me look weak, Rachel! To everyone at school, and I can't stand that, I hate it, and if they think I'm weak, then I can't protect you, or anyone! Which is damn important, because you shouldn't have to be so strong all the time, okay?" Santana whispered harshly in response, each syllable feeling like shrapnel in her throat, bringing tears to her eyes from how freaking frustrating and difficult it was to just explain herself. She'd never had to, not on this front, because Britt and Q both understood to some degree, at least. Well, they understood enough that Santana didn't like how it was, and how other people affected her, but it was how it was.

Santana's eyes tracked Rachel's hand as it lifted to the diva's nose and pinched at the bridge, Berry's brow furrowing in apparent frustration. _Well, that makes two of us, at least..._

"Santana, I won't push you on learning to prioritize whose opinions to value and whose to ignore. That's something you're going to have to do on your own, but if you care about me, you have to let me in. Maybe others would have thought you were weak, but I wouldn't have, and you should trust that." Rachel spoke slowly and softly, sounding more tired than anything. Santana nodded at the understanding that she herself had to deal with her baggage eventually, but today wasn't the day for that. Which, thank fucking god, because Santana knew she wasn't up for that type of lecture after everything today.

"I've really enjoyed how we've become friends, or at least I thought we were. Because I need a friend, Santana, not a protector. I'm not a damsel in distress, here to saved...I can save myself, and I have repeatedly over the years...and while I appreciate the thought, I just do not need that type of attitude between us, it won't earn you anything but disappointment. I don't need you guilt tripping yourself over the past, which was clear as day the moment you noticed me in the washroom. I don't need you working to make up for anything you've imagined you're at fault for, Santana...I am the ONLY one who decides who is forgiven for what they've done to me. Do you understand me?" Rachel's rant was like being squeezed in a vise of guilt, which was only made worse with the diva telling her she didn't earn the right to decide how to make it right; given Santana was very much an action-oriented person, that was damn uncomfortable.

Again, Santana nodded, really letting the girl's words sink in. To be honest, it had her feeling a little off-kilter, because almost all her life, she'd been in some sort of protector role with her small group of friends. It was just how she approached things, but Rachel wanted something different, and that was new, and confusing, and if not for the recent memory of her style of friendship nearly imploding her and Britt's friendship, she might have avoided the topic entirely.

However, she wanted to do things right, and she liked Rachel, so fuck it, she was going to try.

"I think so, yeah." She answered quietly, wondering how so much of her social life could flip its shit over on her before the morning was even close to over.

"There will be times I'll help you, just like there are times you'll help me. I need this to be mutual, a real friendship, Santana. Can you handle that?" Rachel asked, again, and Santana felt like a damn bobblehead as she nodded again. And really, she had no idea where she stood with Rachel anymore, with how upset the diva was about it all. The idea of getting shut out for a while was a little hard to digest, and she really didn't want that.

She'd just been trying to help, she hadn't meant to make a mess of things and hurt Berry. That was the last thing Santana wanted.

"I'm glad. Because as infuriating as this...whole thing...was for me, I know you're a good, strong person, Santana. I know you're strong enough to be my friend, and let me be yours. And I hope next time you're attacked like you were, you'll accept my help, but I won't make you. I just hope we can get to that point." Rachel added, her voice trailing off near the end, the diva's telltale nervousness shining through over her impatience. _But hey, she's not telling me to immediately change how I am, just parts, so...okay...okay, I can handle that. And maybe she can help me along the way somehow...just hopefully not with a performance in glee in my honor..._

Feeling still a little nervous and unsure herself, Santana reached out for Rachel, taking hold of the diva's wrist, her thumb lightly grazing Berry's skin as a silent apology for making such a damn mess of things between them, and a thanks for letting her know how they could make it better.

"So...are we still on for tonight? Am I still cooking at your place?" Santana asked simply, wanting reassurance she hadn't ruined their evening before she'd basically even started her day. Wanting to know if she'd fucked up bad enough to be shut out.

"So long as you still want to." Rachel answered quietly, eyes fixed on Santana's thumb smoothing over her wrist.

"I do." Santana blurted out almost a little too loud to hide her desperation and relief, but Rachel thankfully didn't seem to care about the opportunity to tease her. Which was nice, even if she did like the rare times when Rachel poked fun at her or was playful with her. She was hesitant to label any of it flirting, but there had been a few times that week where Berry just hadn't been real consistent with that stuff. Some of it was just innocent, but others seemed way too blatant to be mistakes or chalked up to naiveté.

Santana expected something other than the stiff nod she got in response, for certain. "I'll see you in glee, then." Berry noted quietly before grabbing the pink hell-on-wheels backpack and marching down the hall back to her nearly completed first class of the day.

Rachel's words stung her a little, if only just the assertion that they wouldn't spend lunch together. Honestly, it was a little overwhelming, as her emotions finally flooded back, the coast clear to feel as much as she needed to given no one was around anymore. _And maybe that's what she meant by wanting me to let her in, but fuck, I just...I can't give her everything. I still have to handle some things on my own, and I still can't handle sharing some shit with other people, but I'll try when I feel I can...I'll try not to be so damn defensive...and I hope that's enough for her..._

Wiping the unshed tears from her eyes, Santana retreated back into the washroom, touching up her eye makeup and concocting some sort of excuse for not making first class, given it was ten minutes until the end of class. _Fuck, it's still early in the morning and I'm already exhausted...might need to take a nap at lunch to get energized enough to handle this evening..._ Santana mused, hoping the rest of the day would just freaking cooperate with her.

The weekend could not come soon enough.

* * *

Rachel couldn't help but be a little unsettled as she finished preparing the veggies for Santana's vegan lasagna. It was unusual for her to be in the kitchen with another person and for it to be so quiet; usually, with her fathers around, they'd be talking, or teasing, or joking.

The only noises instead were knives chopping through spinach, and the sound of the saucepan on the stovetop.

Rachel had thought the way the day started off that it wouldn't have tail-spun any further, but it had seemed that poor fortune just wrought more. Lunch had seen Kurt needle her over Santana's absence, which brought on more of Finn's opportunistic and unwanted romantic attention. Which led to Finn putting a strain on her friendship by following her from class to class for the rest of the day, trying to act as if he were her boyfriend when he wasn't.

And, of course, it had all come to a head during glee when Santana had finally called Finn out when Rachel had shrugged his arm off her shoulders for the third time. The glee club predictably descended into chaos as both of her friends butted heads and brought their own supports in the inexplicable heated argument. Santana with Quinn, Brittany, and Puck behind her, while Finn had Sam, Kurt, and Mercedes at his side.

To be honest, it had been maddening, and she wasn't even certain what all was said, only that Quinn had eventually shoved her way into Finn's personal space and threatened hellfire if he _'so much as lay a finger on Rachel or harass her again'_. The threat had managed to get through to Finn, the tall boy backing off at the confounding experience of his most recent ex rebuking him in Rachel's defense.

It had all been a bit much to keep track of at the time, but in hindsight, Santana's thankful expression towards the blonde afterward was proof enough that Rachel's newest friend had gone to bat for her in getting support for their friendship. That Quinn called her by her name for the first time in weeks was quite nice, as well.

Of course, it didn't remove the slight chill Santana had brought onto their friendship with the slushy incident, but it was some sort of progress nonetheless. As much as she enjoyed simplicity and order, Rachel understood relationships weren't always entirely good or bad, they were more complex than that.

And it left her in a kitchen, making dinner with a friend, on a Friday night that she'd usually otherwise spend alone. And while that friend had hurt her, and frustrated her earlier that day, Santana was trying. That was enough, at least for now.

Finished with the spinach in front of her, Rachel cast a glance over toward the stove, Santana looking as stiff and anxious as she had since they left school together. Clearly something was up, and while Rachel had tried to busy herself with food for as long as possible, she was starting to get a little worried that maybe Santana had changed her mind about wanting to spend the evening with her. It HAD been a fairly rough day for her friend.

"Santana...is there something wrong?" Rachel asked, fidgeting nervously with the knife in her hand, rotating the handle over and over as her eyes took measure of her friend across the kitchen island.

The Santana she knew could be vulnerable, could be nervous, even if such instances seemed to be rarities, but there was something new glimmering in those dark eyes that held her stare. Though it only remained for an instant or two, it strengthened Rachel's resolve when the other girl broke her gaze and flicked her wrist dismissively.

"I'm fine, Berry. Just focus on finishing up the basil, I'm almost done here." Santana noted with unusual blandness, her usual spirit absent, though her tense shoulders gave Rachel a clear hint at her inner turmoil.

Still, she started on the basil. It'd been a long day, and she WAS hungry. "You're not. You're upset, and I was just hoping you'd tell me why."

Santana turned at her slight pleading, leveling Rachel with eyes that hoped to peer into her depths and pull out some truth that the diva wasn't certain existed. That trademark stubbornness of Santana's peeked its head out long seconds later as the sauce spoon was placed on a nearby saucer, the girl having seemed to make a decision on something or other. By the look in her eyes, Rachel expected hostility.

"We could have just done this over the phone, you know? If that's how it's gotta be, I didn't have to be here." Santana spoke, words spilling sharp and fast as if they hurt to voice; from the girl's strained expression, it certainly seemed the case, which only puzzled Rachel further.

"I thought..." Rachel started, before rethinking her choice of words, knowing that she needed to be a little tactical, even if her emotions were threatening to bloom and make a mess of her composure. "You asked if tonight was still on, like we planned. And I wanted you here...a lengthy phone-call wouldn't be the same, Santana."

The girl across from her slumped back against the counter, if slightly, appearing a little less certain of whatever she'd concluded the situation was, which was a start.

"Yeah, I get that you wanted me here, but why? Why am I even here, Rachel? You apparently have a lot you want to tell me, so just let me fucking have it, and let me..." Santana started, flinty words coming to an abrupt halt as she shook her head, dismissing whatever else that had been on her tongue. "Just...sorry for swearing, sorry I messed up, but can you at least make it quick?"

Rachel laid her knife to rest as she squinted at Santana, trying her best to discern whatever was happening, and put together a puzzle that she had all the pieces for. Cautiously, as if approaching a potentially vicious wild animal whose pen she'd accidentally fallen into at the zoo, she rounded the island and moved to a foot shy of Santana's personal space, not wanting to spook the clearly skittish girl.

"I don't understand what you're talking about, and sorry to make this about me, but I'm getting quite anxious about that. I'm going to tell you my plan for tonight that, as of five minutes ago, was what I was working off of, okay?" Rachel asked, earning a slow, hesitant nod, almost fearful dark brown eyes carefully watching her every movement. "The plan was to prepare dinner, discuss something Kurt brought up to me this morning, and settle into the living room with a movie until our food was ready. Then eat while continuing our movie-watching."

Silence filled the narrow space between them, and she supposed it was fitting that it lasted long enough to distract her from Santana's hand-wringing until the taller girl spoke again, considering Santana was still so much of a mystery to her at the moment.

"You're not...you know what, I'll drop it, and we can get back to finishing the lasagna, okay? I can hear your stomach growling from here." Santana said, turning once more towards the stove and physically distancing Rachel from the answers she needed more than dinner, at least at the moment. The abandoned question just had Rachel a little too curious.

"Tana, you can talk to me. Please, talk to me." She let out softly, crossing the distance between them and carefully wrapping her arms around her friend's waist, keeping them close. Santana had always been a little more forthcoming when they'd been touching, and she couldn't deny that the prospect of a hug making her friend feel better was worth the risk. "Let me in?"

The laboured sigh Santana let out was a sign that victory was near, if she just held on a bit longer. Adding an extra squeeze, and taking a page out of Santana's book by nuzzling her neck might have accelerated the process, but the slight weight of the taller girl leaning into the embrace told her it was quite welcome.

"I messed up today. Not just with the slushie, but in glee, alright? So...I thought that'd be it, you know?" Santana started, but Rachel certainly didn't know, letting out a hum to the negative to her friend's rhetorical question. Which gave Santana pause for a few moments, at least, her voice coming out much quieter when she spoke again. "That I'd be cut off."

Rachel stood there and let her arms tighten around her friend slightly as her brain worked through those five words, straining to find any clarity in them aside from a vague estimate of the root issue. "You thought you'd lost my friendship? Why then would I bring you home?"

"Not...no. I mean, I hoped I hadn't, but usually when I mess up, I get froze out. Sometimes with a lecture, but usually just radio silence, so I guess I thought that's what this was. But it's not, as you said, so whatever. No big." Santana noted, her pace vocal quickening with each dismissive syllable, as if Rachel wasn't just going to chase them all down anyway.

Her friend was hurting, and as irrational as it all seemed, she didn't like Santana feeling hurt. "You thought I'd just...what, give you a lengthy time-out from my friendship for doing something I didn't like?"

Santana let out a disdainful scoff that hardly did anything to hide her sheepish expression. "When you put it that way, it sounds freaking childish." The girl muttered, feeling a little tenser in Rachel's arms.

"It'd be childish for someone to treat you that way. You're a teenage girl with a complex mind, who is capable of communication. Turning you away like that is just...it's stupid! Someone treated you that way before?" Rachel asked, slowly turning Santana in her arms until her friend was right there, face not stoic enough to mask the glassiness of her soulful eyes.

"It's kind of how Quinn works. I do something she doesn't like, and I'm banished for a few days, or more sometimes. Britt kind of took her lead with that sometimes when I messed up with her, too, but it wasn't so bad with B." Santana mumbled, shrugging slightly at Rachel's searching gaze, recognizing that new glimmer from earlier as stark sadness. That Santana expected the same from Rachel, an in-person lecture, only to send the former cheerleader home with her tail between her legs.

"San, I will always talk WITH you about a problem before making any decision, but I can assure you, I would not callously freeze you out. I might get dramatic, and perhaps a little paranoid at times, but I will talk with you. Even if it takes a number of times over a number of days to settle an issue, I talk. It's how I make an effort to work out kinks in my friendships, and I wouldn't do any of that if I didn't care. Okay?" Rachel rambled, doing her best to come up with something on the fly that was both intensely truthful as well as reassuring. "I care about you. I want you here. We're friends."

Santana's teeth had found that lower lip by the time Rachel had finished her spiel, appearing quite hesitant. Hopeful, perhaps, but overwhelmingly hesitant and nervous, eyes darting off around the room aimlessly in search of some distraction, it seemed. Which had Rachel's memory recalling Kurt's words from earlier.

"Unless...unless you're not interested in that." Rachel let slip out, Santana's gaze flitting back to her immediately as the girl's face contorted in confusion.

"What the...Rachel, I was just...fuck it, look. You've gotta give me some time to respond when you say those kind of things, alright? I came here thinking I'd get reamed out, I need more than a minute to really let this all sink in or whatever." Santana's words came out in a mess of frustrated and flustered syllables, but as far as Rachel could tell, it was all very much the truth.

Rachel allowed herself a relieved sigh, letting her head fall forward onto Santana's shoulder, happy to hear that any hesitation was from Santana's difficulty being emotionally available instead.

"Anyway, why would you even think I wouldn't want to be your friend? I mean...I put up with hours of puns earlier in the week. If that didn't chase me off, I'm not sure what would." Santana added curiously, dismissing the remaining tenderness and vulnerability from their previous topic with her teasing. It made for a less dramatic moment, but she supposed she could appreciate that such times were more meaningful in bursts rather than long periods of time.

"Kurt mentioned something to me earlier today, and...it just got me thinking." Rachel noted, baiting some reaction from Santana; Kurt had backed Finn at Glee, and she knew the conversation could go a number of ways. But Kurt was her friend, and she wanted to see how well Santana would respect that, despite their differences earlier.

"What did Hummel want this time?" Santana asked, thankfully neutral, the hint of annoyance fairly well deserved, given Kurt's history of being a bit obnoxious, even if she did love the boy.

"We talked this morning about a few things...our friendship included, and he made some comparisons to you and Brittany." Rachel decided to just lay it out there and see how Santana would react, figuring that it would provide a glimpse into how the girl viewed their budding friendship. Truth be told, Rachel had a mental list of expected potential reactions.

Except, Santana's lighthearted laughter was not on that list, yet the girl laughed, and laughed, her raven hair grazing Rachel's cheeks as Santana shook with amusement. It was all a fair bit disconcerting, Rachel's lips curling into a small frown, not understanding what was so funny.

"Rach, Britt and I have been best friends for a long ass time. Our friendship's new...how the hell can he think to compare us when he's only had a week to see us hanging out, and he's spent almost all that time with his head in the clouds over Warbler?" Santana noted, laughing good-naturedly, and Rachel supposed that she could see the point being made there. It wasn't their friendship that was laughable, it was Kurt's lack of exposure to them.

Still, his words HAD clung to some level of truth, at least in Rachel's eyes.

"I know, and I made a similar statement to him earlier, it's just...he brought up a specific part of you and Brittany's history, is all." Rachel mumbled, though the way Santana got all tense for a moment had her feeling she was heard loud and clear.

Santana's head turned, two lips softly pressing against her temple before the taller girl separated from Rachel. "I think that's something that can wait until dinner, alright?"

Rachel could hear the soft request in those words, but it had her anxious over waiting so long for answers. She wasn't good with surprises she knew to expect. "But...but that's over an hour away! We still have to finish prepping it, then cook it in the oven, and it's always important to let food cool off, so that's another ten on top of that!" She exclaimed, pouting fiercely at her friend in hopes of accelerating the timeline to the talk. Preferably to a few seconds from then, but she wasn't unreasonable. Two to five minutes would be manageable.

Those soft, dark eyes rolled in their sockets and Santana let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine, fine, we can talk while it cooks, then. But we've gotta get this finished and in the oven, I know you're starving, and I'm getting there, too."

A goal set, Rachel quickly returned to work, finishing the last of the basil and mincing the garlic, completing the duties she'd been assigned just as Santana finished her sauce. As patiently as she could manage, she watched Santana assemble the lasagna and toss the meal in the oven, setting the timer for an hour.

Rarely had such a large period of time ever felt so claustrophobic. Ever since Kurt planted that annoying little seed into her head that morning, she'd been frustrating herself at her inability to figure out where Santana stood, and now she'd have her answers.

Or, well, eventually. Sometime within that hour.

With everything done and a free hour on their hands, Rachel looked to Santana and gestured to follow her, figuring she would get the ball rolling, no matter how anxious it all made her. In a sense, she wanted answers, because answers gave clarity, and she desperately needed that. At the same time, the answers could end up, worst case scenario, causing a rift between them. So as ready as she was to figure things out, she also wanted to cherish these moments of friendship in case something changed for the worse.

As she moved toward the stairwell, she heard the footsteps following her stop. Curious, she looked over her shoulder, finding her newly hesitant friend standing still, biting her lip. "Can we do this in the living room?"

Rachel offered a shrug, knowing she usually preferred the privacy of her soundproofed room, but the living room was a perfectly fine alternative, if that was what Santana wanted. She just didn't understand why it mattered.

Still, they headed into the living room, settling onto the loveseat, Santana tossing the throw pillows to the floor to make more room. It was a little odd, and perhaps disconcerting, that her friend felt a need for so much space when they'd just recently been pressed up against each other, and when they'd been cuddled up on it earlier in the week. Rachel didn't want this change in dynamic to dim her hope, but, well, how else was she supposed to read into that?

"So, about what Kurt said..." Rachel started, drawing a small sigh from Santana, who just stared straight ahead at the fireplace, all stiff and tense like a statue. After a few seconds of silence from the other girl, and not even an effort to speak, Rachel decided to continue. It wasn't as if Santana hadn't understood the topic of discussion, but if Rachel had to spell it out, she would. "Kurt feels that you've been behaving around me like you did with Brittany when you two were together. And while our friendships are certainly different, there were enough parallels to get me wondering, Santana."

She watched Santana's eyes droop closed as if from exhaustion, the girl slumping forward, elbows resting on the edge of her knees, hands cradling her head. "Is that what you meant when you asked if I didn't want to be your friend?" Santana's words came out in a thin, strained whisper, dripping with resignation.

Rachel wasn't at all sure what to think of Santana's swift change in mood, wondering if this held root in another part of the girl's history of being 'sent away', for lack of a better term. Still, she trusted that Santana would remember what they spoke of earlier, and would trust that she'd keep her near, that she cared.

"I suppose I was wondering if you aimed for something less platonic with me." Rachel clarified, hoping it was an easy enough question for Santana to answer. If she were honest, Rachel worried less and less each day of Santana being some fetishist creep, but being able to rule that out for good would be nice. And learning where they stood, what Santana wanted, would be wonderful. It would at least keep her mind clear of all the worries she'd dealt with that afternoon.

Santana let out a longer sigh, one hand running through her hair as the other shifted beneath her chin, the girl's expression growing more determined as seconds elapsed.

"I'm going to be blunt, I don't want to beat around the bush or anything, alright?" Santana started, drawing an immediate nod from Rachel, who would accept the truth in whatever form Santana offered.

She just wanted answers. She wanted to know where she stood, and what Santana was in her life.

"I was honest that night in New York, you know? I had a crush on you in freshman year. Fact is, it never really went away, not entirely. You're still you, alright? You're still that girl that mesmerized me that day. I was honest when I said you're beautiful, and that I'm attracted to you. That week, I just wanted to be friends with you...I don't have many, and you kind of grew on me. I was comfortable with you." Santana explained slowly, exuding a calmness that fell very much in line with how defeated the girl appeared. As if she'd resigned herself to some fate or another.

Rachel would have liked to think she was less predictable than that, but Santana did have her moments of pegging her quite accurately. Which made the words, as wonderfully enlightening as they were, feel a little tainted. Hearing Santana thought she was beautiful and attractive, that San was comfortable with her, and that the girl still held a crush on her? That was literally breathtaking. She, however, found herself waiting in anticipation for the forthcoming _'but...'_

"I want to be your friend, Rachel. I'm more than satisfied being your friend. But would I be open to doing things with you? Hell yeah, if you were. Would I be up for dating you if you weren't straight? No, I'm not ready to be out yet, and I figured you'd deserve to date someone you could be with in public like that, you know?" Santana continued, letting out a brief sigh before shifting her gaze to Rachel. "Anyway, what I mean is that you're my friend, I want to keep this friendship, and while I think you're hot as hell, you don't have to worry about me. I can be affectionate without crossing the line. I'm not gonna perv on you."

Rachel stared hard at the girl sitting a foot away from her, how her smile flickered with uncertainty. How her posture was stiff and curled in, appearing smaller than she usually did. How her eyes shone with emotion, clearly feeling a little turmoil over how her words would be received.

It took a few seconds to digest what she'd heard, because by Barbra she hadn't expected much of what her friend had said. Those words had come straight from Santana's mouth like a wrecking ball, destroying her past dismissals of Santana's affections and words, breaking down those walls of doubt that had held her back from accepting the connection between her and Santana for what it was: a friendship with traces of 'more'.

It was that puzzling 'more' that had Rachel shifting closer to Santana until they were thigh to thigh, her friend watching every movement as she pulled at the girl's nearest arm and loosely hugged it. Rachel knew she had to remain consistent and correct Santana, but she wanted San to understand where she stood as well, even if Rachel was still currently figuring that out.

"I do have to remind you that I'm the one who decides who or what I'm deserving of, Santana." Rachel noted softly, smiling teasingly at her friend, hoping that pushing for a lighter mood would help Santana relax.

Moments later, Rachel found herself victorious, Santana cracking a small, brief grin. "Yeah, sorry about that. I'll do my best to remember, I promise." Santana noted, nodding sheepishly with slightly furrowed brows, seemingly trying to engrave it into memory.

"Still, I get your point. It would be difficult to keep a relationship from the public eye given how I tend to behave around my partners, so that would be an issue were we to date. I wouldn't want to out you before you were ready." Rachel noted casually, fighting hard to maintain her composure in anticipation of Santana's reaction, but the girl's stunned expression, complete with jaw-drop, had her cracking a smile in turn.

The arm Rachel was halfway wrapped around fidgeted for a few seconds before Santana's hand managed to find one of hers, entwining their fingers in a soft grip. "You...you're bi?" Santana asked in clear disbelief. She supposed it wasn't without reason, given how she'd never publicly sought after any girls in her life.

Of course, the idea of courting Santana of all people had her blushing a little, and ducking her head in hopes of keeping her temporary redness from her friend. "I've usually found men more attractive in the past, but you've always had this allure to you, if that makes sense."

Rachel dared a glance after a few long seconds, only to find Santana smirking back at her, amusement glimmering in her eyes. "Well, once again, it seems my sexual magnetism has worked to my favour." The girl added with a smug smile, and while Rachel did feel there was definitely some truth to that, the whole immediate switch into 'seductive Santana' was too abrupt not to at least giggle at.

Which grew into laughter as Santana's lips formed a rather wounded and potentially lethal pout. Which, if Santana kept giving her, could allow the girl more leverage and reason to gloat. So she decided to just continue on with things, and hope her friend would put that dangerous pout away.

"A relationship does seem out of the question at the moment, as I was saying. I'll be off to camp soon after school finishes for the summer, and starting anything while distanced would probably be a disaster." Rachel explained, her news causing a flicker of disappointment across Santana's face, one she imagined was likely more from her being away than anything else.

"You heading to one of those camps out east?" Santana asked, her question surprisingly concise, though she imagined that being into music production, Santana would have searched out opportunities to hone her skills over the summer as well.

"Yes, near Cleveland. It's a performing arts camp with a specific musical theater component. The camp isn't terribly long, just two weeks, but it involves student dorms over the duration, and I'm fairly certain their visiting policies are strict." Rachel added for clarity's sake, Santana nodding along as she spoke, which was fairly nice to see given how many would tune her out after her first dozen or two syllables.

Santana's gaze dropped to their linked hands as the girl offered a tiny squeeze. "That sounds like it'd be good for you. I'm sure you'll rock it. But yeah, if...if anything escalated between us, not being able to visit would be too much. I mean, I love Skype and using my phone, but there's no replacement for being close to someone, you know? Maybe that'd work after a few months, but...not the start, so yeah, I totally get it. I'm on board...nothing until after camp, and then if you're maybe interested, we talk things out and see if we want something more than friends?"

Rachel nodded in approval, feeling comforted that Santana was more than comfortable planning ahead and letting things be what they will be. The lack of pressure, placing the ball in Rachel's court, it was a very nice effort on her friend's part; at the very least, it put her at ease over it all. Still, she had her own concerns, and she felt it only fair to air them to Santana in advance, so she'd know what she could be getting into, in the chance that they worked out that sort of connection in the future.

"The time will also help me work through some...obstacles of my own. I trust you, Santana...I truly do, but I'd have to learn how to be with you, if that makes any sense." Rachel offered, earning a hesitant nod from the girl.

"Like, learning how to be with me like...sexually? Because I thought you totally weren't ready for any of that, and I wouldn't press you for anything." Santana said, clearly trying to be reassuring, but she was missing the point. It was nice to hear her friend declare that sex being off the table was fine, though, taking comfort in that as she shook her head. Which seemed to only confuse Santana more. "Well, then I'm not sure what you mean, then, Tink."

Rachel smiled at the rarely used pet name, hoping it might be used more often in the future. "When I was dating Finn and Puck, I controlled the intimacy. Every moment, at every stage, I controlled that. I felt I had to be in complete control with them, because they didn't know about me. But you do, Santana...and that makes me feel like I shouldn't feel a need to be so much in control, but it's all I've known, so...it would be a learning experience. And I could use some time to come to grips with that potential reality."

She took a breath after her long-winded rambling explanation, feeling a little proud of her breath control, even if her nervousness was starting to peek its head out. Santana's gentle weight leaning against her managed to sooth a little of that, earning her friend a thankful smile.

"I've never been the most patient person, but...I'm here if you want me like that. And I'm here if you don't. And if..." Santana spoke, those words warming Rachel's heart and distracting her with that until an abrupt laugh broke free from the other girl's mouth. "Sorry, I just...my mind drifted, and I started thinking that yeah, all relationships are learning experiences, but that I wouldn't be opposed to homework or extra credit work."

Rachel allowed the giggle bubbling up inside to be free, her arms pulling Santana a little more firmly as they laughed. "And you say my family's sense of humour is bad. That was so corny, Santana!"

"Whatever, Rach. Got you smiling, didn't it? Made you laugh?" Santana prodded, and Rachel supposed her friend was right, at least a little bit.

"Okay, yes, it did. Anyway, I appreciate your patience, Santana. I'm sure we'll have something to talk about in a few weeks then. But...until then..." Rachel started, words drying up in her throat as she considered taking some initiative. Honestly, the desire to be in control, to take the first step and control the process battled with her worry of overstepping and asking Santana for too much. After a few moments of tense thought, Rachel shook their entwined hands a little, figuring she could be brave again; this was Santana, she didn't expect mockery or betrayal this deep into their friendship. Even if it might be a little awkward to bring it all up.

"Until that point...I would be open to something a little more involved." Rachel continued, Santana's warm brown eyes narrowing slightly with confusion. "Like you said, I'm not willing to have sex, it's not an option. But other things...maybe if we slowly work up to them...that might be nice, and a way to see how comfortable we are with each other."

Rachel felt the fire in her cheeks but set that embarrassment aside to keep holding her friend's gaze as Santana seemed to process what she'd said, a thoughtful expression blooming across the girl's face.

"So, like...a friends with benefits setup, if the benefit was, what, more intimacy and touching?" Santana asked, tilting her head in puzzlement, though Rachel felt the confusion was unwarranted given the girl got it in one. She nodded shyly and watched Santana's features soften at that. "So long as we went slow, I'm game for that. I mean, I just don't want to get in a position where one of our engines is revving a bit too hot, or one of us gets overwhelmed, you know? So if we go slow, then yeah. I'd like that."

A swell of relief bloomed in Rachel's chest, more than a little overjoyed that they've managed to navigate their way through a long, difficult day, only to become closer than she could have hoped for. It was that relief that had Rachel pulling some of those throw pillows to fill the place between her and the armrest, and then gently tugging on Santana as she shifted to rest against the pile. Santana let out a happy sigh and followed suit, letting herself be pulled into Rachel's arms.

"God I needed this. Today's been so freaking long, and I'm glad you're up for resting for a bit, because damn, we've earned it." Santana mumbled before letting out a yawn, her nose lightly nuzzling Rachel's neck as she got comfortable. "We all good now, Rach?"

Rachel considered her plan earlier to start watching a movie while they waited for dinner to be ready, but with Santana swiftly surging towards slumber, she decided a little change in plans wasn't the worst thing. Especially given everything they'd covered.

"Yes, San, we're good." Rachel whispered, knowing Santana could hear her while not wanting to keep the girl from the rest she seemingly needed.

"Mmmm, nice. But, before I nap, I gotta know..." Santana shook lightly with amusement, a yawn breaking up her speech momentarily. "You gotta tell me why you've got four boxes of Boo Berry cereal. A girl might think you're fishin' for a new nickname."

Rachel's jaw dropped, aghast over knowing Santana had stumbled upon her daddy's stash. In truth, she used to love the cereal, but it wasn't vegan, the name was just a coincidence, and Santana's sneaky threat made the whole thing a little unsettling.

"Santana, no." She chided the giggling, sleepy girl, pressing on when Santana just kept at it. "San, no, you will not go around calling me after a cereal, Santana. I'm serious!" She stage whispered, but Santana was clearly laughing herself to sleep, an absurdly goofy grin on her face as those eyes drooped closed.

Mere seconds later, her friend's breathing leveled out, Santana's warmth and heartbeat left to keep her company for the remaining forty minutes or so. Rachel shook her head, knowing she'd probably have to spend the rest of the night bribing Santana to give up on whatever nefarious nickname plans she had been cooking up in that sleepy mind of hers.

But as far as issues went, that was absurdly minor, and she let the outright relief and satisfaction of their talks wash over her. She'd process it all again some other time, but for now, she was happy, and safe, and holding her newest, arguably closest friend.

Life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsure when I'll update this next, but I've got some scenes I'm looking forward to, and with hopefully more writing time opening up, another update relatively soon could happen. Anywho, thanks so much for reading, I hope your months of July were wonderful, and that August gets off to a great start for you all :D


	9. Chapter 9

Rachel couldn't help but smile a little in excitement for the next two weeks, always having looked forward to her music theater camps. However, the usual relief hadn't followed as it had in the past; no, Rachel, though she was elated to saturate her life with her love of performance for the near future, wasn't looking at the camp as an escape from the troubles of McKinley High.

The strange thing was that even though they'd lost at Nationals, which was certainly enough to put a damper on most positive elements in her life, Rachel was exiting her junior year of high school feeling a little bittersweet. Since her Saturday movie marathon with Kurt the previous weekend, her social life had been on the upturn, with three social gatherings with Kurt, and sometimes Blaine, since. Additionally, Tina had brought Rachel over for a year-end dinner, which allowed them time to catch up and get back to where their friendship used to be. Even Mercedes had accepted Rachel's invitation for coffee on Thursday morning.

And then there was Santana. Everything with her newest friend was more than she could have hoped for. Their dinner date had been so wonderful and relaxing after a hard week, just cuddling up together and enjoying each other's company for nearly the whole night. While Rachel had asked Santana to stay the night, her friend had made the executive decision to keep things slow and steady between them, which apparently meant not having sleepovers yet.

Which, Rachel could understand, of course. They'd only napped together a small handful of times, and escalating that into more intimate territory might have truly been too fast for them. So she didn't blame the Latina for exercising caution at all. In truth, she'd found herself conflicted, wanting more from Santana, while being equally scared of what that 'more' could do to them.

That had been something of a regular theme throughout the final week of the semester, both Rachel and Santana showing a little more open affection at school as time passed. A hug here, some hand holding there, a brief massage on occasion; nothing major, but it was absolutely exhilarating for Rachel to be the target of such affection publicly. Santana, of course, had moderated their moments with occasional glares to their McKinley peers, but Rachel couldn't quite blame the girl, knowing how Santana wasn't quite ready to be out yet.

Still, they'd discussed their situation that Monday, and Rachel had decided that it would be fine if Santana instigated most affection between them, if only to see how she'd respond to the lessened control over the gestures. Outside of a hug or two that had gotten Rachel feeling a little anxious, it had been a positive experience, and they'd talk about it all each night, if only just a little, to make sure they both felt good. For the first time in her life, she felt healthy about how a relationship, even if not in name, was progressing. It felt good, all in all, and despite Santana's impatience coming to a head at times, the girl had been immensely considerate.

Given her own reputation as an openly affectionate diva at the bottom of the social ladder, Rachel was quite certain that no one's suspicions were raised in the least, not with Santana also being slightly warmer to the rest of the gleeks, minus Finn, of course.

So all in all, things had been going quite well at school, which made it a little sad for her to leave it for a few weeks. The prospect of camp brightened that mood substantially, but couldn't remove all the worries of lost progress that her two weeks away might cause. Not to mention losing the closeness she had with Santana, even if just temporarily.

The worry over that loss was why Rachel, at ten after ten at night, on the Saturday night before leaving for camp, reached for her phone and quickly dialed Santana's number.

She was pleasantly surprised when the other girl picked up on the third ring.

"Here I thought Rachel Berry wasn't one to bow to impulsiveness. Not that I'm not happy to hear from you, Rach, but...well, are you okay?" Santana asked, her voice softening from its prior amusement, the clear concern creating a flutter of butterflies in Rachel's stomach.

"I'm okay, Santana. Not everything I do is scheduled out in advance, as you well know. But...I suppose calling so late _is_ unlike me." Rachel answered in kind, getting nice and comfy in her bed, tossing her duvet further down the bed due to how warm she felt. It had Rachel smiling to herself a little, knowing Santana would happily soak up her heat were she present.

"So what's up? Something's gotta be bouncing around in that pretty little head of yours for you to be calling so late. I know you have to get up at stupid o'clock tomorrow morning." Santana shot back softly, the creak of a mattress letting Rachel know that Santana was probably sitting in bed as well.

In truth, Rachel wasn't sure why she called Santana. She'd just been worrying about the distance that would soon separate them, and what it might do to them. "Would it be strange to say I'm pre-emptively missing you?"

Santana's lighthearted laugh, if nothing else, helped alleviate that concern. "No, that's pretty normal. Like, whenever my mom's home, I try to spend as much of it with her as I can, and as soon as I know when she's leaving, I start to miss her, even if she's still there with me." Santana explained, the details about her mom helping fill some blanks in Rachel's understanding of the Lopez family. "Kind of like how I've been with you this week, just hanging out together all the time so I can enjoy you while you're here."

Rachel nodded to herself, supposing that all made some sort of sense. "This week _has_ been pretty wonderful. Even just memories of our brief friendship so far should help my nights at camp pass a little faster, I'd think." Rachel confided, only to blush at the potential sexual subtext that could be read into her words.

Santana's chuckling had Rachel at least aware that the other girl had caught on. So embarrassing. "Anything I can do to help you out, Rach. But yeah, it's shit like that, you know?" Santana asked, likely rhetorically if Rachel were to guess. Her relief over Santana not turning it too sexual with a trademark ' _wanky_ ' was a little distracting, even if it DID let her know that Santana was navigating their somewhat romantic waters a bit more easily these days. "You gotta make time for people. When they're here, you make the best of it, when they're gone, you keep them in mind. Like, I know Q-ball wants to head out to some east coast ivy league school after McKinley, and I doubt I'd feel up to living in New Haven or Boston...but damn right, I'll make a trip regularly enough to see her. And I'll probably even miss Blondie or whatever, but it just makes spending time together a bigger priority. I mean, if you're not gonna miss someone when they're gone, what's the point?"

Rachel just sat there in bed, digesting the oddly clarifying rambling of her newest friend, realizing there was a lot of truth to her words. She'd missed Tina, and had loved reconnecting with her. She'd missed Kurt lately, even with their on-again off-again rivalry. But there were others she didn't particularly miss, despite having been close to them recently enough, and Rachel knew that such a new understanding would likely lead to some late-night journaling to clear her head on the matters.

"Yes, that makes a lot of sense, Santana. Even if you used curse words." Rachel noted playfully, earning a sheepish hum from the other end of the call.

"Ah, yeah, my bad, Boo. Can you forgive me?" Santana asked, the dorky amusement evident in her voice, and had her friend not used the forsaken pet name, she might have said yes.

"Only if you agree to never call me that name ever again." Rachel negotiated, even if she knew it would be fruitless; she was Rachel Berry, she HAD to at least try.

Santana's laughter was answer enough, even if her friend felt a need to add to it. "No way, mi estrella! That name's pure gold!"

Rachel fought to tamp down on her grumbling, knowing Santana was just being teasing and playful; besides, there wasn't much harm in being called it in her early pre-stardom days. Just so long as it never translated to her glory years on Broadway.

"Anyway, thank you Santana, I'm feeling a little better about this now. Even if you still insist on referring to me as a brand of cereal." Rachel said, her lips unable to keep from curling into a smile as Santana hummed happily.

"You know me, Rach, I gotsta mix some light in with the heavy. Anything else on your mind, querida?" Santana asked in a tone that Rachel would characterize as sweet if doing so wouldn't get Santana all pouty and defensive. She'd keep it to herself, unlike her enjoyment of the Spanish terms of affection Santana had been throwing her way lately.

"See, why can't you just keep calling me that?" She asked, hoping her pout was audible across the phone call.

Santana's hardly stifled laugh let her know more lovely Spanish words weren't in the cards. "Come on, Boo-Berry. I can't sweet talk you all the time, it wouldn't be so special anymore. Besides, you know I love having an assortment of nicknames to call people or tease them with. It's how I roll."

"Sadly, I'm quite aware of that unfortunate habit." Rachel shot back with a smile, letting out a laugh at Santana's faux-offended ' _Hey!_ ', knowing her friend's names for her were mostly positive, anyway. "As for anything else on my mind...well, I AM feeling a little sleepier, now that I'm not worrying so much. Could you...could you sing me something before I fall asleep?"

Another happy hum from Santana had Rachel settling down in bed, hoping her newest friend would indulge in her request.

"I got just the song in mind, so why don't you snuggle up under the covers and let me get you knee deep in dreamland, 'kay?" Santana asked, her voice smoothing out into a wondrously soothing purr, her vocal tone inducing some wonderful ASMR responses already.

Rachel let out a contented sigh as she closed her eyes and turned her lamp off, all too ready to fall deeply into slumber with a lovely song, Santana already leading in with melodic hum that had her feeling boneless.

"I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven, when I awoke I spent that on a necklace..." Santana sang, her lovely, sweet tone nearly masking the lyrical content, drawing Rachel's brows together in temporary confusion as she mentally flit through her internal music catalogue. "I told God I'd be back in a second, man, it's so hard not..."

"SANTANA!" Rachel yelled out, ignoring San's immediate giggling as she shot up into a seated position, having realized what her friend had been singing. "Are you REALLY singing Kanye West to me?! Really?!" She yelled out, quite justified in her annoyance as Santana's previous giggles broke out into full-on laughter.

Of course. Of course Santana would prank her before she went away. Rachel just hadn't thought the girl would take so long to get around to it.

"I'm sure the look on your face is priceless!" Santana spoke through her laughter; not even Rachel's entirely justified scoff could calm her friend down. "Oh come on, you're cute when you're all flustered."

_Okay, well, that very well might be flattering, if a bit peculiar..._ Rachel mused to herself, but it was all beside the point. Rachel was tired, and truly did want a song before sleeping.

"Flattery won't get you out of this, Tana. Can you give me a real song to sleep to? Please?" She asked, fighting off a yawn and trying to infuse every ounce of sweetness into her tired voice. She just wanted a song. Was that too much to ask?

"You know I can't say no to you. Not when you're all sleepy and stuff." Santana noted with a largely theatrical sounding sigh; if Santana was anything, she was loyal. Past all the smokescreens and amusement, there was a girl who Rachel was quite sure would do just about anything to help her friends. "Alright, alright, I've got another song in mind. Why don't you lie back down and let me send you off for the night, okay, Rach?"

Deciding to trust her friend again, Rachel settled back down in bed, getting fully comfy before letting out a happy hum at her current state; comfy, in bed, and on the phone with Santana. At such an hour, Rachel wasn't sure there were many better situations she could find herself in.

She could hear some shuffling around on the other side of the phone, but after a few seconds, it settled down; enough to draw some of Rachel's curiosity, but not quite enough to have her ask about it and possibly delay her song.

"Okay, so...I guess you know I play music, since the New York stuff. I'm not great at guitar, but my dad showed me the ropes a few years back, and this song is simple enough for me to handle, and...well, it was my mami's favourite, and I play it on loop when I need help sleeping. So maybe it helps you, too." Santana rambled, sounding nervous and cute in her vulnerability. It was nice to learn another snippet of Santana's past, and it had her excited to hear the song that her friend would use to soothe herself on sleepless nights.

The slow, gentle strumming of a guitar filled her ear, the simple tune already bringing her a sense of comfort.

_I made a lover's prayer_  
_I made a lover's prayer_  
 _Then watched the sky_  
 _Then wanted to cry_  
 _It's only you and I_  
 _And how I try_  
 _I made a lover's prayer_

Santana's voice was so silky smooth, so warm as she sang the simple folk song; it was the emotion the girl put into the quiet, heartfelt performance that gave Rachel a sense of yearning, of faith, rather than the lyrics. It reminded her that over the next two weeks, her opportunities to see Santana were limited, and that she'd have to try to keep connected with her. She'd have to be patient with the both of them, and reach out, and hope for the best even if she knew that she'd be lonely.

Even if she knew Santana might be, too.

_I made a lover's prayer_  
_I made a lover's prayer_  
 _Help me rise above_  
 _What I'm thinking of_  
 _Just a little more love_  
 _Just a little more love_

As Santana broke into some melodic humming, Rachel focused on the little prayer at the end, there. ' _Just a little more love_ ', such a simple way to express a need to endure. That no matter the trials she might face in the coming days, it'd all be well with a little more love, whether given or received.

Rachel could see why the song had comforted her friend so; it had her own heart blooming that her request had made Santana think of such a beautiful song, with such an astute message. Even with her consciousness slowly slipping away into the sandman's clutches, she couldn't help but think they could get through the next two weeks much more comfortably if they had each other to lean on. Even at a distance, the place Santana held in her heart, and the place she held in San's, could shine through with a little effort. With a little faith.

_I made a lover's prayer_  
_I made a lover's prayer_  
 _I made a lover's prayer_

Santana's sweet voice trailed off, replaced by a slow strumming and a low hum that she couldn't help but succumb to, a smile on her face, and a four letter word starting to take root in her heart.

* * *

"We have different heartbeats...but all the same heartbreak...and...and..." Santana mumbled to herself, brow knit as she slaved over the lyrics of her newest original piece. Honestly, it was damn frustrating to have a great piece of music come together in her head, only for the lyrics to just...

Well, not manifest as easily as she'd like.

"...and this is fucking bullshit, argh!" She lashed out, crumpling her paper up and tossing it across the room where the other sixty or so balled up sheets were. Sure, a few of those had yielded a few lines she'd kept, lines that resonated with her, but there was so much empty real estate in her song. "So much for meeting my mid-week goal." She finished with a sigh, pushing her chair away from her workbench.

Life had been ridiculously boring since summer break had hit. Britt went off with her family for their regular visit to Holland, and pretty much everyone else was busy or MIA, so Santana had been stuck at home, alone.

Which, whatever, it wasn't exactly a brand new experience for her, but she just didn't really like it all that much. Even her dad had been putting in more hours at work, so her life had gone from decently full to pretty empty in a stupidly brief period of time. Not cool.

And so, to combat boredom, she'd set some goals for herself; nothing too wild, but missing out on one so early in her summer break was disheartening. She'd had this song idea hopping around in her head for about a week, and she'd set out a goal to get it done by Wednesday morning, which usually wasn't a big deal, except she rarely ever added a vocal element. And the vocals, the lyrics? That was a big brick wall she kept ramming herself into, to no avail.

So yeah, it was frustrating as hell. Santana was not impressed in the least, and while she knew she could do better, she wasn't writing something like Trouty Mouth this time. This was something more legit.

In truth, she'd been a little inspired by Rachel, but even though it was a love song, or at least it was shaping up to be one, it wasn't some intense sappy love ballad or anything. She just got these feelings floating around in her head sometimes, and she had to deal with them. Nothing weird about that!

Thankfully, the buzzing of her phone rescued her from that fate, at least temporarily. Santana grabbed her phone and checked the new message from Quinn.

' _Hey I'm coming over.'_

Santana rolled her eyes at the presumptuousness of her friend, but wasn't entirely opposed to the girl's company. Still, Q couldn't just make those decisions.

' _Short notice much? I could be busy, Q'_

Barely five seconds after she'd send her text, the phone started ringing. Of course. Santana let out a sigh and answered. "What?" She let out, knowing Quinn probably deserved the simple reply.

Instead of an immediate reply over the phone, Santana heard her doorbell ring. "Let me in, S." The blonde added after a second or two of Santana's brain trying to piece together what was going on.

Rolling her eyes again, Santana darted downstairs and swung the door open, setting a glare on her former captain. "Way to be super obnoxious, Q."

"You can complain to me in your living room, instead of out in this heat." Quinn noted flatly, strolling past Santana and promptly slipping her sandals off in the foyer. It was more than a little presumptuous of Q to invite herself over on no notice, and then waltz into her damn living room.

Still, it did mean she had an excuse to take a break from song composition, which after a few hours of steady work, she desperately needed. It was only that reminder that let Santana following Quinn instead of yelling at her for being so freaking entitled. While Q could be annoying at times with her indignation ad attitude, it usually wasn't nearly this blatant, especially outside the walls of McKinley where that sort of thing was amped up. Free time was supposed to be where the blonde mellowed out, but even a brief glance could tell her that Q was absolutely on edge, even if her former captain was trying to hide that.

"So, what other ways have you planned out to derail my day, Q?" She asked as she plopped down beside the blonde on her sofa.

Quinn let out a light scoff. "Please, as if you're not as bored as I am." The blonde asserted with a shake of her head, but Santana definitely wasn't on that wavelength. Most summers, she'd been pretty busy; last year, she'd served as a lifeguard as a part time job, but this year, she was focusing on her portfolio in preparation for graduation.

"Speak for yourself, Q. Not all of us are spending our summers in church groups or whatever." She shot back, crossing her arms defensively, knowing Q would likely bite back at her. Still, it'd be the easiest way to weasel information out of the blonde on what was up.

"Considering my pregnancy got me kicked OUT of my church, you know that's not what I've been doing. And you can't tell me you're not counting the days until cheer camp." Quinn argued in a low growl that was maybe one magnitude of anger lower than Santana had aimed for. Still, it was something, and it gave her a bit of an in.

"Yeah, counting the days of my freedom ticking away." Santana said with a roll of her eyes, knowing the theatrics combined with her words would probably push Quinn closer to that edge. Sure, Santana looked forward to getting back with her squad, they were a strange kind of family, and it had sucked leaving them behind earlier that year. If Quinn thought otherwise, as the sudden blazing fire in her hazel eyes suggested, maybe she'd get some answers.

"Are you hearing yourself?! You _love_ cheer! We LIVE for it!" Quinn blurted out in disbelief, hand planting down hard on the sofa beside Santana's thigh as she leaned towards her aggressively.

Certainly not one to cower to the blonde's unusual antics, Santana held her ground and kept a calm expression, knowing it'd only infuriate her friend more. "It can be fun, and the girls can be great, but I don't miss the practices or Sue putting us through hell. I don't miss the social obligations. I don't miss the fucking cannon. And I DEFINITELY don't miss you pulling shit on me like last year after promising we had each other's backs."

She couldn't help but twist the knife a bit at the end, and perhaps it overplayed her hand a bit, but Quinn's signature 'I'm-so-uncomfortable' laugh escaping the blonde was enough to know she'd stuck the landing, so to speak.

"Like you didn't revel in the power it gave you. In your precious reputation you flaunted to get Head Cheerio when I was kicked out." Quinn bit back roughly, but all the rage in the world couldn't hide the glimmer of fear in the girl's eyes. "Like you didn't use your status just like I did."

Santana kicked her feet up on the coffee table and gazed skeptically at the blonde, knowing she had to keep a cool, stable demeanor even though she knew a rant was coming on. "You think I liked knowing a bunch of randoms each week would spread stories of them getting laid by me, or head from me? That was fucking GROSS, Q. And I didn't fucking appreciate the fact that you and B had given handjobs for over a year by the time I was painted as the school bicycle after Sean Opilka got me blitzed on vodka late freshman year. Nothing like some good ol' Ohio racism at play with the fucking spicy, loose Latina shit getting thrown around." She ranted, holding Quinn's glare with her own, willing the blonde to challenge her on any of that horseshit.

"I used that status because if I didn't, it'd ruin me. I protected B with it. I protected YOU with it. And sometimes I fucked up, and I won't deny I like sex, but let's not pretend we've been in the same boat with this, Q. And let's not pretend that I'm not every bit the cheerleader you are. Sue sees herself in you, so you got the job. You might strike fear in the team like she does, but I'm the one they go to for help, whether it's feel-good shit or them needing me to tear someone apart. I'll be in camp for them...and for you too, unless you keep going off the rails, but damn it Q, I don't _live_ for it. I don't even look forward to it. I'm a lot more than just a cheerleader, and so the fuck are you." Santana finished, syllables shaking out of her with the last bit of oxygen in her lungs. For certain, Rachel would have applauded her for her breath control and dramatics, but all Santana knew was that the longer she spoke, the more spooked Q appeared to be.

The room was quiet for a few long seconds as Quinn ever so slowly got off the sofa and onto her feet. "What the hell is wrong with you, San?! Since when do you ever give up? You're not even going to challenge me this year for captaincy? Is this some trick?" The blonde's questions were needling, but not in a way Santana felt comfortable with at all, given Q was just hardcore deflecting.

"It's not giving up to realize another cheerleading championship might only net me a scholarship big enough to pay for two or three books. This is our senior year, I have other priorities. So should you, Q, we've got a clean slate right now, we can get our ticket out of here." Santana argued in return, only to earn a disbelieving scoff from her friend, who stood stock still before her.

"I can't believe I'm hearing this. This is _ridiculous_!" Quinn growled, fists clenching and relaxing in a cycle that was a clear giveaway that Q's fight or flight response was seconds away from engaging in full.

Santana slowly pushed off the sofa and stood toe to toe with Quinn, knowing it was a bit of a risk, but there was no way the blonde would be able to ignore her if they were face to face. "What do you think I've been doing this summer so far? I'm getting out of Lima, Q. You can, too, if you just tried to get more than Head Cheerio, a steady and soulless relationship with Finnept, and Prom Queen! As if any of that shit's made you happy before! You've read all up on that feminist stuff, I know you have, so why don't you just push yourself instead of settling into Suzy fucking Homemaker?"

She heard the impact of the slap before she felt it, her head twisting from the impact as Quinn's laboured breaths met her ears. "Fuck you, San."

The three words were dealt like a threat, anger blooming in each syllable, but the deep undertones of fear were there. It was all she could manage to keep from blurting out some snarky shit and calling the blonde 'mom', knowing it'd be a little satisfying bit of vengeance at the low, low cost of destroying the fragile girl for a few days, if not longer. The fact that the blonde didn't continue on to taunt her over the state of her life, or her future, or anything Q could imagine up, had Santana thinking she'd hit a home run, even as Quinn marched out of her living room and home, door slamming hard in the distance.

Santana shook her head and went to the kitchen to grab something cold for her cheek, wondering if her calculated strike would help or hurt her friend in the long run. Quinn was so often a big fortress with shifting defenses, all guarding a single, vulnerable girl inside; any direct hit in the past had led to either exile or a delayed cry for help.

She could only hope it would be the latter again, because losing Q as a friend for months at a time in her senior year would make it hard to patch things up before graduation. And she didn't WANT to lose Q. She just didn't want Q to spiral out into a mess of a woman like the blonde's mother.

_Well, I guess I got my distraction, anyway..._

* * *

"It's just tiring, I suppose. We have busy schedules from six in the morning until four in the afternoon, and that's even earlier than I'm used to. And ten hours of largely physical work...it's a bit draining. It's fun, though, so don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm just a little tired, San." Rachel explained over Skype, laptop perched on the desk in front of her showing Santana's smiling face. Her friend's left cheek looked a little swollen, but she was sure it was probably just bad lighting or something. Or her exhaustion from the day's trails catching up to her. It was a lot of work, and she cherished the rush of doing things right and earning praise, but it was wearing on her.

"Hey, at least they're more your speed there, right?" Santana noted encouragingly, making a decent enough point. "You're getting a workout, you're being challenged...that's a good thing."

Rachel grabbed at the duvet Santana had sent her to camp with, asserting that the dorm sheets would probably be ' _scratchy as hell_ ' and that since the diva rarely felt warm, perhaps it would help. Of course, the quality was perfectly fine, and the weather saw to it that she wasn't remotely chilly, but Rachel suspected that her friend just wanted to give her something to remember her by for the time being. Either way, it was a nice gesture, and it made for something comfy to halfway cocoon herself in, knowing she'd be heading to bed after the videochat.

"It is. There's quite a lot of talent at the camp, though no one quite on my level that I've noticed at least. Still, the coaches are skilled, and some of them have been on Broadway. One of the vocal coaches is a NYADA alumni who won his junior year winter showcase, even, so that's exciting." Rachel rambled happily, recalling with a grin how excited she'd been to know some of the guest coaches had been on Les Mis and Spring Awakening. One of them an understudy, but still, a very good one, reviews had claimed.

Santana nodded along at that, smile shifting to a smirk that tended to happen whenever Rachel was 'in the zone', so to speak. She wasn't sure what was so amusing, but given her friend rarely teased her in those moments, Rachel found it difficult to care. It was good to see Santana happy.

"Any talent in your dorm, specifically?" Her friend asked, which was an easy enough question, even if it had Rachel scanning the rest of the room momentarily. Only Hannah was around, and if Rachel had anyone to compliment, it was her.

"One of my dorm-mates is a remarkably skilled dancer, for what it's worth." She noted quietly with a brief glimpse over her shoulder at the roommate in question. Hannah didn't seem to hear her, so she brought her focus back to Santana, who was giving her an inquisitive look. "She's on the other side of the room. Didn't want her to think I was gossiping about her."

Santana gave an understanding nod at that, brow furrowing and mouth frowning in thought. "Would'a thought they'd pack your dorm with other singers to bring out competitive streaks."

"Well, while the camp has strong representation in acting and dancing and comedic abilities, it's...not as strong in vocals. I'm quite clearly head and shoulders above the rest in that department, but it only makes me hungrier to improve in areas that are more competitive." Rachel explained, earning another nod. "Anyway, enough about me, we've been talking for thirty minutes and I haven't heard a peep about you."

The exasperated sigh that escaped Santana was hardly unexpected; the girl rarely seemed to enjoy delving into her own personal details, or at least the significant parts. Still, it was a sign that her request would, eventually, be granted.

"It's been boring so far. A lot of the same old stuff, and days seem a lot longer when there's not a lot to do, or what I AM doing is dragging. Papi worked late yesterday, and it's Tuesday today, so I haven't seen him around much. It's basically just been me here, with the exception of a super brief visit from Q." Santana finished with a dismissive hand wave that hardly masked how her friend's eyes hardened during that last bit. She'd press on that, but in the meanwhile, it was sad to hear Santana sounding so listless, when the same girl was bright eyed and full of wonder in the city. Rachel couldn't help but feel that Lima was much too small for Santana.

"Well, say hi to Juan for me the next time you see him." Rachel inserted, deciding to slowly weasel information out of her friend. Santana seemed a little too down and out after a mere three days of her being away at camp. It didn't make sense that the girl's mood would change so drastically unless something big happened.

"I will, for sure. Though it'll probably only push him to keep experimenting with vegan barbecue recipes." Santana added with a groan, Rachel immediately wondering what the girl's father could have possibly made to deserve such a reaction. "Don't roll your eyes at me, mi estrella, he made this freaky fake ribs made of seitan last night, but I can fucking tell you that it was SATAN instead. I don't know if my body can handle another week and a half of this."

As Santana descended into a pathetic pout, she couldn't help but laugh, even when her friend's dangerously effective pout shot out in response. "You know full well vegan food can be tasty, Santana. I'm sure he'll find a recipe he likes soon enough, and that will be all."

"As if he'll stop at one. He likes cooking, Rachel, and he knows you're going to be around for a while, so he's going to stock up. We're looking at probably five or six by the time you get back. So you gotta pray I'll survive, alright?" Santana continued complaining, hands waving dramatically in the air, eyebrow cocking, that playful glint in her eyes mixing with the clear annoyance. It was times like this that Rachel could appreciate that she wasn't the only drama queen out of the two of them.

"I'll say one every morning, and every night, San, I promise. Anyway, if you're so bored this summer, why not work on your portfolio? You're so talented, I'm sure you can add a few new pieces to it over the summer and hone your craft." Rachel rambled excitedly, happy for the momentary shift in topics; it had been an exciting discovery, learning Santana made music, especially for her original song. It had been quite flattering, and a little bit intriguing, that Santana's backing music had complemented her vocals as well as it did. If nothing else, she knew she wanted to work with the girl again, even if just on a more minor project.

Her excitement dulled a little at the comparatively tired sigh that left her friend, frustration clear across the girl's tense face. "Not making much progress. I keep hitting a wall...I set all these weekly goals and all, but it's hard to hit them when I can't even get one or two out of the way without freezing up. Like, the song's just whirling around in my head, but the vocals...it's like ramming my head against a brick wall, and trying to put the dust back into something workable." Santana finished with a disappointed shake of the head.

Rachel shifted around in her seat, pulling part of the duvet underneath her for added cushion. She'd definitely need something if she was to focus completely. "What kind of music are you making, exactly?"

"Honestly, my brain's scattered around a lot of inspirations, but this one, I guess, is kind of eighties pop meets modern aesthetics and production trends. You know it's strange when it's easier to lay out vocals for something acoustic, but this fucking bit of pop is killing me." Santana explained, eyes averted downwards, which made sense a few moments later when she heard a few idle keys sound off, the girl clearly at her work desk. "It's not really suited for my voice...I was thinking Q or Tina would do the style a bit more justice. Mine's a little too...it lacks the kind of airy sound I've got swirling in my head. So I guess that just makes the whole process more annoying."

Rachel nodded along, taking in what she could imagine from Santana's description. It wasn't much, but it was a start. "Pop music tends to follow formulas of what's successful, it's never so much the lyrics that are important, but how they sound, the phrasing, the structure they follow. Don't feel like you're letting yourself down if you dip into clichés for the words, sometimes that adds just the right familiar flourish to reel listeners in." She detailed, trying to imagine a song that would be more suited for the sweeter, lighter, more velvety tones of Quinn. "Could you play what you have to me? A second pair of ears couldn't hurt, right?"

"Ugh, it'll sound like shit on your laptop's speakers, but yeah, I can." Santana noted with a roll of her eyes. And okay, her laptop wasn't the best around, but it was serviceable. Her headphones would probably be a better option, though. Swiftly, she reached over to her bed and grabbed her set from her pillow, slipping them on and plugging them in.

With a thumbs up, her audio channels filled with Santana's vocal track, a soft pad synth in the back of the soundstage, the beat and melody popping in at what was either the bridge or the chorus. Whatever it was, it wasn't nearly finished, but as she listened to the rest of the vocal-less audio track, some words came to mind. It was a bit of an oddball song, with a healthy mixture of sensuality and confidence mixing with yearning and uncertainty, along with odd phrasing in the vocals that mirrored both eighties pop and some more avant-garde pop she'd come across in recent years. It was an interesting mix, quite fresh, if a bit disjointed. "Can you set the chorus section to loop? I think...maybe I can brainstorm this with you?"

Santana nodded and seconds later, that chorus was looping through her headphones. Rachel nodded along with the song, ignoring Santana's oddly shy expression for the moment as her musically educated brain processed as many variables as she could think to consider. She found herself softly singing along with Santana's track as an idea popped into her head. "And you say it's gonna last forever. We have different heartbeats, but all the same heartbreak...and I can feel it..." She added, letting those five additional words flow out of her.

She nearly jumped at the sound of Santana's voice adding to the mix, sounding uncertain and oddly quiet, but the words fell into place. "...in the way you hold me..." Santana's eyes grew wider, as if the words were a realization to her, and Rachel couldn't help but smile at the sight and continue on while her friend was distracted.

"The way you hold me..." She repeated, feeling it was a good fit, especially since it seemed like a chorus portion. Still, her words drew Santana's attention back again, along with a smile that broke all of that shyness away. And it was that moment that the rest of the words came to her, with them over a hundred miles apart, and Rachel already having felt that distance tremendously, something Santana seemed to share. "I know you're lonely, too."

Rachel held her vocals, fading off just before the loop reset. It was a near perfect fit that she was a hundred percent sure Santana would crack down on and polish into something impeccable. Feeling a little excited after the impromptu brainstorming, she nearly missed Santana's hands reaching out to seemingly grab hold of the sides of her computer monitor.

"You're a lifesaver, mi querida. Just a few words, and you solved a puzzle that's been blowing around in my head for a week." Santana said with a laugh, shaking her head as her grin stretched wide and brilliant. "Seems I might just meet my mid-week goal, with a late night of working."

"Well, I couldn't have done it without some inspiring music, and a wonderful bit of inspiration staring back at me." Rachel shot back happily, feeling a little warmth in her chest seeing Santana bit her lip over mere words of hers. "That little songbird perched on my windowsill is just so cute."

"You know, you really have a thing for height difference, don't you? Can't deny the appeal of a partner with a damn fine voice, though. It's always pretty sweet if you can make beautiful music together." Santana spoke with a cocked eyebrow and smirk in place, clearly a little amused by her tiny teasing jab.

Which, well, good; she liked the idea of even slightly being able to keep up with Santana on that particular element. "Anywho, speaking of Quinn..." Rachel started, hoping Santana's good mood would allow her little segue.

"Hold up, when was anyone talking about Q?" Santana interrupted, taken aback more than just a little bit. Definitely a clear sign that her attempt at slowly lowering San's defenses just wasn't going to work. She shifted her approach to complete blunt obliteration accordingly.

"You said Quinn stopped by earlier, and while I WAS going to ease into discussion given how upset you seemed to be, I think it might be better to face this head-on." Rachel said with a hopefully encouraging smile.

"Do you? Well that changes everything, of course." Santana grumbled, eyes rolling extra hard as her sarcastic tone bit into Rachel's mood quite effectively. As much as she loved her friendship with Santana, having that familiar harsh sarcasm directed at her was still uncomfortable.

"You know I just worry about if you're alright. I'm your friend, and we're apart for a while, so since I can't come over and cheer you up with a bad movie and a comfy couch...well, I'm doing my best." Rachel let out with a sigh, running out of steam midway through her argument as the reality of the time and distance between them sank in again.

Rachel wasn't quite thankful to see a similar gamut of emotions run through Santana, but it was relieving to hear the girl let out a faint sigh. "She invited herself over short notice and practically marched into my living room, all...well, on edge." Santana started as she leaned back in her computer chair, hand running through her hair. "Look, me and Q, we're usually a pretty well oiled machine, but she was off today. Was talking about a lot of the stuff we play at, that we perform, at school, you know? All the power, the status, that shit."

"Language..." Rachel added softly, Santana's only response a sharp exhale out her note.

"Anyway, Lucy Q's always a little weird, but this was off the charts for her, because she was always clear before that this all was a charade, you know? Like, it was real enough, but it was something we did to get through school safely. Except today she went on about how she planned on being Head Cheerio again, that she was running for prom queen, and that those were what mattered. And like...we'd always said our senior years were where we'd break away and do our thing. But this isn't her thing, Rachel." Santana added, body slumping a tiny bit as she went on, and even though it was just a collection of slight movement, she could tell quite clearly how sad Santana was about her friend.

"What happened?" Rachel probed softly, bracing herself for whatever response.

"I challenged her, and she iced me out." Santana noted with a shrug that did nothing to hide the hurt in the raven-haired beauty's eyes. "I told her she could be...should be more than that. And I was more than that, too, and she freaked out." The girl finished with a reluctant finger lifted to point out her swollen cheek.

Rachel bit the inside of her cheek, pushing the immediate and surprising wave of anger at the realization that Quinn slapped Santana. Hurt Santana. "It was wrong of her to hit you. And to treat you like that." Rachel started, allowing herself a deep breath to steady herself, pushing her emotions away to try and give some sound advice from what she knew about the blonde. "Quinn has been through a lot in the past two years, she may be having something of an identity crisis. She...she lost her family, at least the way it was structured and functioned. She lost her church. She lost her spot as Head Cheerio numerous times, and vacated it this past year. She lost Finn. She lost the prom queen voting. She lost a lot of power and status and security. But most of all, she lost her dau...Beth. She's lost so much, and it makes sense for her to be clinging to those things in hopes of getting them back."

Santana blinked a few times at her, eyes wide in surprise. "Okay, so you're on her wavelength, too. Thing is, I just don't know what to do about any of it. Every time I push, she shoves me away hard."

"Then don't push. You've pushed already. Just...I know you hate it, but be patient." Rachel started, fighting a smile against Santana's immediate groan of disapproval. "Be patient, give her space, but let her know you're there for her, that you're her friend, that you care. I'm not saying you have to forgive her right now, but she needs someone right now, and you two can settle your differences when she's feeling more stable. Just be her friend, San."

Again, Santana's sigh wasn't unexpected. "That heart of yours is way too nice sometimes, you know. Sometimes it'd be nice for you to be all 'it's totally cool to just slap her back, San, or at least prank the hell out of her'. Cut me some slack, Tiny."

"Sorry that I have to be the angel on your shoulder, sometimes. I know that must be so hard for you." Rachel teased, earning a predictable roll of the eyes, but also a tiny little smile that she was a little proud of.

"Yeah, yeah. Almost tiny enough to fit there, too." Santana shot back with a grin, one Rachel matched with her own unimpressed stare. She seriously was NOT that short. She was THREE INCHES shorter than Santana, not three FEET. "Alright, maybe not, but you were cute in that angel getup back in sophomore year, as bat-shit as that video was."

Rachel curled up a little tighter in her duvet cocoon at the memory of 'Run Joey, Run'. Back then, she had Finn, Puck, and Jesse practically eating out of her hand. Three suitors, yet none really compared to the girl on the other end of the video feed. Times had changed, certainly, and maybe Rachel was happy to leave that past in her past.

"You were, too. I always liked seeing your hair down..." She admitted with a smile hat was perhaps a little shy, even if she didn't want to feel that way. She wanted to feel confident, bolder. It was definitely something to work on, even though Santana seemed to appreciate the sentiment anyway with a soft smile of her own. "Anyway, it's getting late, I shouldn't keep you from your work, and I have an early start tomorrow."

It wasn't like she necessarily wanted to say goodnight and end the videocall. In truth, she'd very much prefer keeping it on until she fell asleep, but it just didn't seem like the best decision, especially with it getting pretty late, and her having to get up tremendously early.

"Yeah, I know how important sleep is to you. And I guess I _should_ get cracking on the song..." Santana spoke, all soft syllables and reluctance spilling out of her. It had only been a few days, and all she wanted to do was crawl through her laptop screen and rest up in Santana's proximity, but Rachel knew camp was important. As wonderful as Santana was, Broadway was still her top priority, and she'd just have to put up with missing her newest friend for a little while longer.

"I'll Skype you tomorrow, okay, Santana? I want to know how the song turned out, and what else you have planned for this week. Same time tomorrow night?" She asked, deciding to throw herself a bit of a bone, one Santana seemed eager to take as well.

"Lookin' forward to it, mi estrella." Santana whispered with that same soft warmth, teeth just slightly nibbling on that wondrously supple looking lower lip. "Sweet dreams."

Rachel felt her cheeks flush as she returned Santana's tired smile. "Goodnight, San."

With that, the connection ended, and Rachel flipped her laptop lid closed, her tired mind and body prompting a stretch before she hauled herself and the duvet back to bed. She'd already finished her nightly routine, so Rachel was more than ready for a nice, restful sleep.

"You need to be careful with that one."

The words pulled Rachel from her thoughts of rest, relaxation, and Broadway futures, and back to her dorm, noticing Hannah perched against her desk. The girl was giving her a look somewhat like Quinn when the former Cheerio was mixing that sickly sweet tone with a healthy dose of intimidation. Her dorm-mate had been a little abrasive so far, and while Rachel didn't really want to give her the time of day, she also didn't want to make an enemy of someone she'd be spending her nights with for another week and a half.

"Santana's my friend, and the only thing I need to be careful about with her is her temper." Rachel explained succinctly, hoping that would nip that conversational topic in the bud.

"Look, you're annoying as hell, Berry, and I wouldn't butt in if that whole scene wasn't so pathetic." Hannah asserted with a weary sigh. "That girl is entirely out of your league. Take it from someone who's worked her school's social ladder instead of probably floundering around at the bottom...she's just using you."

Rachel sat up in bed, halfway discarding the duvet to properly express her annoyance, arms crossing in defiance of the blonde's words. "Our friendship is new, but it's strong, and I know she cares for me. She's not using me, not everyone sees people as commodities, Hannah."

"Let me guess...she strikes up a friendship with you. It's secret for a while, as she gets her claws in you and gets close. She's encouraging, helpful, nice...a big change from how she used to treat you." Hannah started, and alright, some of her guesses were accurate, but Rachel knew the girl was likely working from some personal track record. Santana wasn't Hannah. "It's near the end of school when she goes public with you, when everyone else is too distracted to notice or care. The attention is nice, anyways, so even if someone did, you'd convince them it was alright, this girl is different."

Rachel settled back into her duvet, a sudden chill prompting her to burrow back into the warmth of the duvet. Of Santana's duvet. Not that she at all needed a reminder that what she had with Santana was real.

"She gets closer to you, shares her goals with you, wants to include you. You feel special, wanted. It's a nice feeling, and you want it to stick." Hannah continued, stepping ever closer to Rachel's bedside. "Thing is, girls like her use people like you for personal gain and to boost their ego. She used you to help with her song, didn't she? Something she might need to get into some music program after graduation? Just like she'll use you to make her feel better about herself by looking way hotter than you in comparison."

Flashes of the day out in Manhattan played in Rachel's mind, remembering that spike of envy, of inferiority, of how absolutely gorgeous Santana was in comparison to her. How confident and proud she was in comparison to her. For a brief moment, Hannah's words hit their mark, and Rachel's stomach sank accordingly.

But then came the memories of Santana confessing her medical struggles to her, Santana selflessly sacrificing her quality of sleep to help Rachel out two nights in a row. How Santana had curled up with her and laid vulnerable in Rachel's arms as she slept, tan arms holding her like she truly did matter. How Santana had endured an awkward night at her home just to keep her company and show her support. How Santana had let Rachel peel back layer after layer until she could witness the girl underneath the mask.

Perhaps Hannah had a history with what she was discussing, but Santana was not Hannah. She'd trust that much, at the very least.

"Thank you for your advice, but I can handle myself and my friends." Rachel asserted before settling back down in bed and getting comfortable. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to sleep now."

Hannah was thankfully silent, just crossing the room back to her own bed, seemingly, leaving Rachel to her thoughts. The blonde just could not be right about Santana. Such a vague narrative, on a surface level, somewhat matched her friendship with Santana, but the depths of her connection with her newest friend couldn't possibly be a trick. It couldn't be. She was about ninety eight percent certain of that.

That tiny two percent didn't keep her up at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, sorry for the delay, but I haven't had a tremendous time to write, and I've been splitting my focus a bit between projects. Happy to get this one out of the way, because there's a scene next time around (or, probably will be in next chapter) I'm looking forward to.
> 
> Santana's song to Rachel ("I Made A Lover's Prayer") courtesy of the esteemed Gillian Welch and David Rawlings, who I adore, who fit my headcanon that Santana's love for Fleetwood Mac and similar music came from her mom. I mean, as much as canonically, Santana loves her more upbeat pop/rock/R&B/etc. stuff, she seems to have a sweet spot for more acoustic music, too. The thought of her mom passing a song like that onto her just...clicked with me, I guess. Well, that and my love for Gillian and Dave.
> 
> The song Santana was working on was Susanne Sundfor's "Slowly", for the record. A nice little 80's-style airy romp. I picture Santana's dad as the kind of guy who loves embarrassing Santana by keeping up with music and singing around her, calling himself a "cool dad". And maybe he just gets a bit nostalgic about the 80s, too.
> 
> Anywho, thanks so much for taking the time to read, I hope you're all doing well!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Transphobia, transmisogyny, t-slur

"Wonderful job, Rachel. A little over a week in and your dancing has improved by leaps and bounds." Her acting instructor called out at the end of her session, drawing Rachel's attention, as well as the attention of her dance instructor.

"Don't spoil her with praise, Chris. She still has a lot to learn." Miss Marin offered in rebuke, though Rachel could appreciate both perspectives. She really did feel like she'd made great strides in her dancing, but it was true that compared to the more elite dancers, she had a ways to go to be on par.

"Thank you, Miss Marin. I'll see you tomorrow!" Rachel let out as she moved towards the door, offering her acting instructor a curious lift of an eyebrow. "Did I forget something at the lecture earlier?"

Chris shook his head and pulled a small package from his jacket. "Darlene's off sick today, so I was tasked with handing out the mail. Your fathers sent this."

Rachel felt a rush of anticipation flow through her, knowing exactly what she'd been sent. "Oh! Thank you, I was hoping it'd come in today."

"I hope you enjoy whatever it is. I'll see you in class in a few minutes. Don't be late." Chris said as he handed over the package and headed out, leaving her alone with the wrapped-up vegan chocolate her fathers had promised her as a mid-way milestone gift for her course. It had come in a little late, but she wasn't about to complain.

She only had one class scheduled for the rest of the day, and that was a lecture, so she figured it'd be an optimal time to nibble away on her gift, given it wouldn't be a strenuous exercise-filled period.

Rachel entered the lecture hall ten minutes early to the sound of laughter coming from the right side of the room. To say it was predictable that her roommate, Megan, was the loudest, surrounded by her posse of dance specialists, would be a severe understatement. Megan laughed quite a bit, usually at someone else's expense. It was petty and immature, and Rachel could only hope the girls wouldn't be targeting anyone she knew.

"Hey, Rachel! Which suits you better, Man Hands, or Treasure Trail?" She heard Megan call out, freezing her to the spot in her seat for a brief moment. No doubt they'd stumbled upon her MySpace page. "I mean, I haven't seen enough of you to say for certain, but who are we to second guess your superiors back home?"

Rachel took in a steadying breath, knowing the other were likely just trying to pick away at her, as everyone had been picking away at others all camp long in a twisted sort of dominance ritual. She preferred letting her talent speak for her, but it didn't seem this would be one of those situations.

"As the founder of my school's Gay-Straight Alliance, I'll tell you what I told them...that those names are transphobic and harassment." Rachel stated firmly and clearly, though her words only drew more laughs.

"Well, you didn't deny either. Don't get me wrong, Man Hands, I'm no homophobe, me and the gays are tight, but we all know trannies are unnatural freaks." Megan continued, the occasional monosyllabic voiced support from her friends echoing her words. "And since I have to room with you, I deserve to know if you're some perv who gets off to real girls while we sleep."

Rachel could feel her dysphoria and anxiety flaring up, forcing her thoughts back to her fathers, back to Santana, back to her friends, back to all the trans people online that she'd met. She'd watched her family and friends fail to call out transphobia in the past, but no one was there to protect her. All she had was herself, and Rachel knew that was enough. That she would be enough.

"All girls are real girls, Megan. Cis or trans, all equally 'real'...I'm not going to entertain whatever witch hunt you feel compelled to perform today. If you have a problem with me, you can discuss it with the camp administrators." Rachel insisted, feeling proud of herself for now stumbling over her words or shaking too much in her delivery, though she felt a jolt of nerves as Megan got up and moved closer to where she was seated, leaning up against a nearby chair.

"I'd really prefer to get this out of the way right now, freak. You owe me that much. Either tell me, or lift your skirt...or I could just check personally." Megan threatened, forming a pit in Rachel's stomach even as she postured up. She knew she could end this newfound crusade by flashing her ID, but that would be stooping to their level and playing into their transphobia.

There wasn't a choice. It was the high road, or nothing at all.

"You do realize that you just sexually harassed me, right? I have connections with the state's branch of the ACLU, you'd do well to step back and take your objections elsewhere if you're so passionate about your transphobia." Rachel asserted, drawing a harsh laugh from Megan, her followers rising to form a miniature mob of sorts just feet away.

"I'd say the lady doth protest too much, but...at this point, I'm pretty sure you're a man. I mean, you really do have man hands, and you're flatter than almost everyone here. I'm pretty sure if I reached over there and grabbed..." Megan taunted, just starting to reach towards her when the door to the room slammed shut, startling them both.

"Miss Pelech, you're teetering on the verge of a sexual assault that, as a member of the staff, I would absolutely report to security. Our camp is LGBT friendly, and we have a zero tolerance policy regarding discrimination and harassment, so I suggest you apologize to Miss Berry and get back to your seat, and hope she doesn't file a complaint." Her professor, Chris, announced as he made his way down the steps towards the podium, passing the small crowd of students. "Am I understood, Miss Pelech?"

Megan's face was beet red, her blue eyes fuming, glaring daggers at her. Still, the dancer nodded and stepped back. "Yes, Professor Harlan." The girl noted blandly, before narrowing her eyes at Rachel. "Sorry, Berry."

The grit out pseudo-apology was nowhere near sincere, but the situation was over, and she couldn't help but feel relieved and a little proud of herself for holding up and staying firm on her morals. She gave her roommate a small nod and grabbed for her phone, sending a text away to Santana to vent about what had happened.

She didn't need Santana to rescue her, but she couldn't help but want a little support and affection after the fact, now that it was all handled.

Having full certainty that the faculty would be on her side? Well, that was just a huge bonus, and made her feel tremendously more secure for the rest of her stay.

* * *

Santana had just finished a late lunch, and was considering practicing scales on her keyboard when a knock at her door tossed those thoughts to the back of her mind.

Britt was gone for a few days to visit the biggest ball of twine or something up in Minnesota, and Rachel was gone at camp, which left a considerably pared down list of potential visitors. _Neighbours, parents' friends, or Quinn..._

Santana wasn't sure what to hope for. Neighbours were always so nosy, and in her business, and seriously could not shut up for a goddamn minute, always going on about some stupid bullshit about their gardens, or pot lucks, or interior decorating. Her parents' friends wouldn't stick around long if she was home alone, but they'd always ask when her mother or father would be home. Outside of Tuesday, who knew? Santana certainly didn't, given her dad's tendency to be on call on random days, and her mother being wherever the hell she was all the time.

So there was some relief that she wouldn't deal with either of those when she saw the outline of a blonde girl through the decorative glass of her front door, but it still had her wondering how the hell to handle her friend.

Frankly, she still hadn't figured out a plan of action by the time she opened the door and gestured for Q to come in from the summer heat, though the big duffel the girl was carrying had some questions sprouting in her mind.

"You had dinner yet?" Quinn asked flatly, head on a swivel and scanning the living room. For whatever reason, Q was on edge, and that had the odds of another meltdown from blondie spiking upwards.

"It's not even three, Q. I just had lunch, though, like, five minutes ago." Santana noted, following the blonde into the living room , but not committing to it, staying by the entrance instead. Quinn looked like she was ten seconds from imploding, and Santana knew that maybe a different environment than the living room, where they had their last fight, could be better. "I was just working on some stuff upstairs, why don't you come up?"

Quinn fidgeted with the strap of the duffel bag, but nodded silently. It was enough, so Santana turned and made her way up to her room, leaving the door wide open so Q could follow her in, given she hadn't heard the girl's footsteps pacing her own.

Santana flopped down onto her bed and rolled onto her back, mind racing with possibilities. She'd gotten a hold of Q through text message last week like Rachel had suggested. She'd even been nice and shit about it, for all the good that did her, given Q never replied. _Still, she's here now...and Rachel's right, i need to be there for her, because she's seriously off. Something's up..._

She heard the slow steps ascending towards her room, she heard her friend stop at around the doorway. Whatever was buzzing around Q's head, she knew the blonde had to talk first to give her some semblance of an idea of how to handle her. Silence streched on, and on, and Santana was almost fed up and bored enough to just sit up and yell for Quinn to get the hell in and sit the fuck down, but she finally heard it.

A shaky exhale, just loud enough to be audible, not loud enough to be on purpose. Which meant Q would go on the attack to cover up whatever the hell brought that on.

"Cheer camp's starting in a week. You're joining." Quinn stated almost firmly, a little too much waver in her voice to feel that usual iciness.

"I was never going to be a cheerleader forever, Q. I'm not one now, and I'm not gonna be." Santana shot back lazily, shifting up in bed to lounge against her collection of pillows.

Quinn's face got a little redder, from anger perhaps, or frustration, it was always hard to tell. Both similar enough feelings, though, so Santana wasn't too concerned, given the lack of hellfire burning in Q's eyes. "It's who...we... are, Santana." Quinn grit out, rehashing the same argument from last time. As if Q was that much of a dumbass; no, there was something else pushing that argument up, and it wasn't cheerleading. It wasn't about prom queen. It wasn't even about their push-pull dynamic.

 _Last time around, she said we live for it...this time, she says it's who we are..._ Santana mused to herself as she gave her friend another look over. _Quinn's roots are showing...just barely, but...hell, that never happens._

"It's really not, Q. It's not who I am." Santana let out, unsure if this was the right call, but like hell if she'd be wishy-washy and drag this on longer than it had to be.

"What the hell, San?! I'm not sure I even know who you are anymore!" Quinn lashed out, predictably at that. Santana had put out the bait, and now that Q bit, she could only hope she could reel the girl in.

Santana patted the space beside her. "Maybe it's time I stop keeping you at arm's length, then." She stated in response, drawing a startled, confused blink or two from her blonde friend. "Fuck it, let me fill in the blanks." She added, shaking her head at the sheer lunacy of what she was considering. _Goddamn Rachel Berry and her kind fucking heart rubbing off on me..._

"Am I in the Twilight Zone, or did you actually try to start a conversation about yourself? Like, a legitimate one?" Quinn asked, still shooting her a disbelieving stare that was bordering on sort of disarmingly creepy.

"Just get the fuck over here before I change my mind, Blondie." Santana ordered, and for once in her life, Quinn acquiesced, dropping the bag by the door before moving to sit cross-legged beside her. "You do understand why I got into cheer, right?"

"Power. Everyone joins for the power." Quinn answered, and okay, maybe there was some truth to that. Still, it wasn't the whole story.

"That played a part, sure. I was tired of getting bullied, and tired of B getting bullied, and a summer's growth spurt and maturing was enough to capitalize off of. One uniform could keep us from getting harassed as much, at least in the ways we were pretty tired of by then. And then when we got to be friends in tryouts, being your second in command meant I got to keep you safe, too. That meant a lot to me, for sure." Santana explained, more surprised that Quinn hadn't jumped in to interrupt her once in her mini spiel. "B loved to dance, and I kinda loved it too, so that played a part. And...but my parents worked a lot. I spent a lot of time with my abuela, and by the time high school came around I...well, I had a feeling that my abuela wouldn't like a part of me. And I wasn't sure my family would like that part of me either. I didn't really feel in control of much, but with cheerleading i could control. I had my body, through exercise and dieting. I had a schedule that kept me from home or my abuela's some mornings, evenings, and weekends. I had some power I could use to keep people's focus away from me. I could help control where people looked instead."

"San...I...you don't have to, you know..." Quinn stumbled out, and it was honestly pathetic that they even had to have this little chat, but it was long overdue, and Santana wasn't in the mood for awkwardness.

"I'm gay, yeah. A lesbian. Pretty sure you've known for a while. That was part of why I joined...not to leer, or shit like that, but because I had to be somewhere that I wouldn't feel like if someone looked hard enough, they'd _know_. I know how lesbians are treated, Q, I wasn't ready for the hate I know my abuela would probably send my way. I'm not ready for that, _not yet_." Santana clarified, letting out a heavy breath, having finally vocalized that to only the fourth person in her life, now. Well, her mother knew, but her father had told her instead. "Anyway, that's why I joined cheer. B doesn't need my protection so much anymore, you've got an adoring squad again, I can enjoy dancing outside cheer, and I'm honestly over the status. I'm almost ready to just...be free, or whatever. I want this to be my year, Q...that means doing what's right for me."

"So...that's it? You're not coming back to the squad?" Quinn asked, causing Santana to turn her head to look up at the blonde. There was a brief glimmer of sadness there, and as brief as it was, it made Santana's decision for her.

"If you need me, I'll be there. I let you down before...I _abandoned_ you...and I'm not going to do that again. So if you need me, I'm there. But that's not who I am anymore. Cheer's not a goal for me. I'd be coming back for _you_ , Q." Santana insisted, letting each word slip out a little slower than usual in hopes they'd be more easily digested, knowing Q's fucked up head could need a little bit of time.

Quinn let out a heavy sigh. "We're even, after what I did to you." The blonde asserted, and though it was more than appreciated as an admission, it was also uncharacteristic as hell, and definitely a step in the right direction.

Still, it was wrong, and that needed correction. "No, no we're not, Q. You were pregnant, and you needed me, and I wasn't there."

"Yeah, and I told coach and the school that you got a boob job, and you spent most of the year at the bottom of the pyramid and being leered at by Mr. Johansen. I'd say..." Quinn started, and while she had a point, she was wrong, and if Q wanted to know her, she needed to shed light.

"And you got the story wrong, so we're not even." Santana practically growled, biting back at her temper to take a few steadying breaths. Quinn, ever the impatient one, kept testing that already frayed temper by poking her over and over again. "Just fucking give me a second! I've barely told anyone this, okay?"

"And...this...isn't about you being gay?" Quinn asked hesitantly, earning a slight shove, because seriously, they'd already covered that.

Santana shook her head and sighed, deciding to go with the band-aid method, tearing it off in one fell swoop. "It's about the lump I found in my breast at the end of sophomore year."

She was pretty sure she could have heard a pin drop on the shag rug between her bed and her dresser, it was so quiet. Quinn was almost learning against her, and she couldn't even hear blondie breathe. Still, it was better than outrage, or panic, so she continued on, hoping Q would understand. "You know about my mom, and my aunt. But basically, breast cancer hits just about every woman on my mom's side before we're forty, and a cousin of mine had a lumpectomy in her early twenties, and I'd done all this research about how in your teens, breast tissue's really dense, so it's hard to get accurate test results sometimes, and things can escalate really quickly, and...I've been to too many funerals, Q."

"San, what...did..." Quinn stumbled out, and Santana would have entertained her friend's shambled attempt at saying something were she not already on a roll and feeling tears burn at the edges of her eyes.

"I was fucking terrified, so I had my right breast removed. But that left me with a single tit, and I'm too insecure to handle rocking a uniboob, so I got implants." Santana continued, taking a breath before moving to continue on about how the rest of that summer went, but a pillow repeatedly slamming into her face kind of put a stop to that plan.

"What the hell, Santana! Are you serious?!" Quinn yelled, still wailing away at her with the pillow, which made it less conducive to answering. "You had CANCER! You should have told me!"

Santana managed to finally grab a hold of the pillow, getting a good enough grip to keep Q from attacking her with it again. "What the hell should I have told you?! When?! We weren't on the best of terms, Q!"

"We were still friends, Santana!" Quinn bit back, and Santana could only feel her world falling apart all at once, because there was no way that could be true, at all.

"I gave up the right to claim that when I fucking abandoned you, Quinn!" She blurted out, nerves afire as her brain felt like it was ready to combust. "I was supposed to protect you! I was supposed to be there for you, but I fucking failed you, Quinn! Every...every chance, every time I could have stepped up, I didn't, and I didn't deserve to be there for your birth, so I wasn't, and I didn't deserve to have you with me for surgery, so you weren't!"

"You let me believe you just wanted bigger breasts! I got you demoted, I...I spent the first four weeks of the school year tormenting you!" Quinn yelled, letting out a pained gasp as she sunk back against the headboard. "How the hell am I supposed to live with myself? You had cancer!"

"And you were pregnant! I des...I felt I deserved your anger, Q. I deserved the demotion, as much as I hated it. And I instigated the fight in hopes you'd at least get a real punch off." Santana countered, drawing a horrified expression from her friend. "Yeah, I get it, I'm fucked up, okay? Maybe I fucked up the whole situation, too, but...the point was that I didn't feel I deserved you at my side. I feel I let you down so fucking badly, Q, and I've been trying to make up for that ever since, because what good am I if I can't keep you or B or Rachel safe?"

Santana waited for another bout of yelling, maybe even a slap, but t didn't come. Just Quinn's voice, in a soft whisper. "San, even by my standards, that's messed up. You understand that, right?"

"Yeah...yeah, that picture's been getting clearer lately." Santana admitted with a slow nod. "Berry's been, whether she meant to or not, showing me how I've kind of lost myself over the past while. I already knew what I wasn't, I'm not an idiot...but I wasn't entirely sure who I was. I'm still finding that out, and that's why this year's important. That's why I have to do it right this time. So...if you need me, I'll be there, Q. Not because I owe a debt, I get that now, even if I still feel like I owe you a bit, but because you're kind of a white WASPy sister to me, and I won't lose you, too. Especially not when you're going through serious crap."

"I'm fine, Santana." Quinn insisted, voice entirely void of any sincerity, which only had the blonde's face falling at that revelation. "Okay, maybe things are...complicated."

"You think? Look, for what it's worth, I'm here for you. I've got your back this time." Santana said, unleashing her long withheld puppy-eyed stare at the blonde, knowing it'd been super effective the other two times she'd used it.

Quinn predictably scoffed and gave her a shove, though the slight uptilt of her lips was enough to know she'd won the girl over. "Put those things away, will you? I...fine. Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Santana repeated, unsure why today wouldn't work, given they were in her bedroom, alone, with all the time in the world.

"I need to prepare. And...maybe I was thinking you could help me dye my hair, too." Quinn clarified, and alright, a delay would be fine if she got to rework those blonde locks for once.

Santana reached up and ruffled the blonde's well-coiffed mane, still looking as devastatingly fierce as when Q got it cut back in New York. "Alright, but you're ordering in takeout tomorrow for us. In the meantime, though...got any plans for the afternoon?"

"Honestly, can we just watch a movie or something? I'm going to need time to digest the fact you had cancer, and all, and my head feels like it's spinning still." Quinn asked, earning a quick nod from Santana as she got up to grab her laptop across the room.

"Yeah, we can do that, so long as you're not expecting 'Bring It On', again." Santana added with a laugh, quickly setting up her laptop on the bed as she curled up into Q.

"Oh, you love it. But I'm alright with something else. Let's see..." Quinn noted, voice trailing off as she skimmed through Santana's movie collection. Eventually, the blonde settled on, of course, Harry Potter. Quinn, of course, also poked her for sighing at the selection. "No matter how many times you tell me, you can't hate Harry Potter, it's impossible."

"I just think the house system sucks. It stereotypes, most people are traits of all houses...sticking them into one that might fit their biggest traits just helps mask all the oher parts of them that were already ignored. Doesn;t help that Gryffindor's clearly set up as the heroes, the Ravenclaws as the cute nerds, Sytherins as the villlains, and the Hufflepuffs as the forgettable ones." Santana ranted, the same rant she'd given the last five times Q had made her watch the films.

"You're just annoyed that you're split between Slytherin and Hufflepuff, both houses that get no love in the movies...but honestly, I'm starting to lean more towards you being a badger, San." Quinn quipped, prompting a smack to the girl's shoulder for teasing her. Honestly, she wasn't fully up on the lore or whatever, anyways, but it just seemed kind of ridiculous to shoehorn people into stuff from a young age. Didn't seem fair or just.

"Eh, just shut up and watch the film, Q." Santana grumbled, resting her head against Quinn's shoulder as her arms wrapped around her friend's bicep. Q was always pretty damn comfy, and she'd gone almost a week since she'd cuddled with anyone. _Not that I'm a cuddler, but seriously, sometimes a girl just needs something warm to hold onto. Hot water bottles can't cut it forever._

It was near the end of the movie when Santana noticed her phone vibrating around on her night stand. "Q, can you pass that to me?" She asked, the blonde only nodding and blindly reaching for the phone in question. It took a few attempts, but eventually, Q got a hold of it and handed the device over, just as the dark arts dude started unraveling his purple headgear.

Santana put in her unlock code and checked her texts, spotting two from Rachel.

_Some of my campmates accosted me and were terribly transphobic to me and Megan, my roommate, called me slurs, and it was horrible._

_I stood my ground and tried to take the high road in educating them, but I don't think it took. Thankfully, the professor interrupted them and warned my roommate not to do it again with the threat of expulsion._

Santana could feel her blood burning away at the walls of her veins as she read. She'd never met this Megan person, never even seen her during her Skype sessions with Rachel, but it simply would not do for her Berry wonderful friend to get harassed, especially like that. She was about to call Rachel when another text came in.

_I think I'm okay now, you know I can handle myself, but I could really do with a call later this afternoon when my classes are done? You always know how to cheer me up, and I could really use some cheering up. -R_

"...motherfucking goddamn horseshit country bumpkins hasslin' my querida? Not a chance in..." Santana only realized she was muttering when the flat of Quinn's hand lightly hit her up the head.

"Shh! You can't talk during the climax, it's the climax!" Quinn whispered harshly, which okay, she understood movie etiquette, Q-ball didn't need to tell her.

"Best believe I'm vocal during climaxes, blondie." Santana teased, Quinn going still for a brief moment before letting out a harsh scoff and wailing on her with another of her pillows. "Hey, just pulling your chain, Q."

Quinn let out another sign and slumped back against the headboard again. "Well, now that the battle's over, tell me who was on the phone that was so important that you prioritized them over Harry Potter fighting for his mortal life."

"Rachel. Her roommate and some of the people at camp were horrible to her today. She was wondering if I'd call her later." Santana noted, biting her lip as uncertainty filled her, unsure if Quinn would take her side on this or not.

"Were you actually serious about this year being different, San?" Quinn asked plainly, seemingly a bit off topic. Still, it was a valid enough question, so she nodded in answer. "Then be different. You told me to back off of her, which means she's basically your friend. So do right by her. Our friendship's been in shambles for a while now, San. You and Britt have gotten more distant than you used to be. Don't let this one fall apart before it begins...go to her."

Santana's eyes bugged out at the suggestion, particularly at the knowledge that Rachel's camp had actually restricting visiting hours after an incident two days ago. "Go to her...like, drive two hours to a camp that isn't allowing visitors."

"You're crafty, Santana. Figure it out. She asked for a call...but if I know Rachel, I think she'd really want a hug right about now." Quinn stated, a hint of a smile on her lips.

"I want to, it's just...we're hanging out. Our friendship's important, too, Q. I won't abandon you again." Santana let out, just barely ducking in time to dodge another pillow attack.

"Stop being such a drama queen, I'll be okay. I told you I need to get ready for tomorrow...I can do that on my own, I promise." Quinn noted, perhaps a little condescendingly there at the end, but still. Quinn had lasted this long, and seemed a bit relieved to hear she wasn't alone in feeling out of place and lost. A few hours away probably wouldn't hurt.

"I'll call you when i get there, and when I get back." Santana insisted, drawing a laugh from the blonde.

"Yes, mother." Quinn snarked, turning the tables on Santana with a old, mean jab she used to target Q with sometimes when she was feeling defensive or hurt.

Even the shame of the reminder was overwhelmed by how amused Quinn looked, though, so she just swatted at her friend. "Don't be an ass, Q. For that, I'm eating all the ice cream I have left tonight, so there won't be any left for you when you come by tomorrow." Santana shot back at her grinning friend, shaking her head when that smile didn't crack. "Maybe I'll leave a scoop or two, whatever."

"I think I could get used to this new Santana." Quinn said with a laugh, before pressing her lips to Santana's cheeks and leaving the bed. "Tomorrow, two o'clock, chinese?"

Santana smiled and lazily waved at the blonde. "Sounds good to me. I'll call you later, Q." She called back, waving Quinn off as the blonde left her room and headed downstairs, duffel bag in tow.

At that, Santana closed her laptop and got up to get ready for a little adventure.

* * *

Rachel wasn't sure how long she'd been curled up in bed when her roommates returned, two pairs of feet making themselves known in the room, much like the summer heat soon would given they hadn't closed the door behind them, but it was thankfully a long enough time for most of her emotions to have been processed and expressed. Skipping dinner had been a necessary sacrifice, even if her rumbling stomach protested.

After all, if Megan was anything like how she performed, Rachel was fairly sure the girl's relentless belief in her own superiority would eventually rear its head, threat of expulsion or no. And Rachel knew that it'd be best to be able to deal with someone like that again with a cool head.

Of course, she'd prefer not to have to deal with transphobia at all, but she was more than ready to handle another dose, now.

"Didn't see you in the dining hall, Berry. Not hungry?" She heard Megan ask with a fair bit of annoyance and hostility in her voice. It wasn't surprising that her roommate continued where she left off earlier, even if it was subtler. "Gotta keep that slim figure so you can _almost_ be convincing enough, I'm sure."

"Come on, Megan, leave her alone. I heard what you did in class...if one of the staff hears..." Rachel heard Hannah begin weakly, which was appreciated, thought it was unsurprising that her other roommate was swiftly cut off.

"And who would she hear it from? It's just us three." Megan bit back venomously, apparently cowing Hannah into silence. Which, sadly made sense; if the other girl was used to working the school social ladder, Rachel imagined it involved a lot of ass-kissing and self-censorship to those perceived above them. Not that Megan wasn't the epitome of gutter trash when it came to morals and ethics and her world view. "I'm sure you won't have anything to say. And Berry...well, I'm sure the two of us can come to an arrangement, can't we, Man Hands?"

Rachel heard Megan's feet hit the ladder leading up to her bunk and sat up in her bed, peering down at her antagonist. "You'd do well to remember what I told you earlier, and that Chris and the rest of the staff here most certainly back me up. I've even be willing to do a quick educational course, if sheer ignorance has made you so hostile to trans people."

"No, see, I was thinking I'd take a little look at what's going on with you under the hood, and then we could figure out a fair way to handle it. After all, it's not right for us actual girls..." Megan began, before the clearing of a throat drew both of their attention toward the door, Rachel's heart immediately jumping into her throat at the sight of Santana, Chris, and a campus security guard.

"Miss Pelech, a word?" Chris more demanded than asked, arms crossed across his chest, clearly not impressed that his very lenient warnings hadn't been heeded.

When Megan remained still at her ladder, Santana stepped forward, hip cocked and arms crossed, clearly unimpressed. "Hey Skeletor, hows about 'chu step off my girl like the man asked...or is Snixx gonna have to plump up those Amy Schumer lips real nice for ya?"

"Santana..." Chris let out with a sigh. "Miss Pelech, right now would be best."

Rachel watched Megan's expression sink for a moment before it hardened and the girl turned her gaze fully on her. "You all realize she's packing something extra, right?"

"For Christ's sake, Megan..." Hannah let out in a frustrated huff just as Santana started up.

"A killer body and more talent in her pinky finger than your pasty ass, that's for sure." Santana shot back in her defense, and while it wasn't necessary, and she didn't appreciate the body shaming, it did feel good to hear her friend having her back on this.

"Miss Lopez, you're only still on campus out of the goodness of my heart. Behave." Chris noted calmly, but firmly, before returning his focus to Megan again. "Miss Pelech, I won't ask you again. Do I need to have security escort you outside?"

Megan slunk off the ladder and trudged her way out of the dorm room, Chris following her immediately, and the security guard as well after offering Santana a silent nod. And not that she wasn't thrilled to see Santana, but she didn't understand how her friend had managed such an escort in the process.

"Now, I don't know which roommate you are, but I've got an hour until security kicks me out for curfew, so you'll have to wait in line 'til then if you wanna deal with Rachel." Santana stated with her trademark snark and clacking heels as she walked deeper into the dorm and stopped at Rachel's ladder, looking directly up at her with a soft, excited smile. "Hey there, mi querida."

"You came." Rachel mumbled, biting down onto her lip with anticipation, unsure if she could hop down there and hug Santana, or wait for the girl to come up to her. "How did you get in? Visiting hours are for weekends only these days."

Santana just shrugged. "It's my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with my favourite girl who, last I heard, had a hard day." Santana halfway explained, though Rachel knew the security, and knew such a simple request, no matter how well-intentioned, would not fly. Not after the string of incidents early on in camp with attendees abusing visiting privileges. Rachel cocked an eyebrow at her friend, drawing a low sigh from San. "Okay, and maybe I'd spent ten minutes reaming out security when that Chris dude came around and caught me mid-rant. Nice dude, really, he bent the rules to let me in."

Rachel just beamed at that, wishing a little bit that she'd witnessed Santana going off on security. It was a little flattering to know San had driven two hours out of her way and pushed so hard just to see her. "Chris is probably my favourite prof at camp, after today." She noted as she rested her hands on the ladder, hoping Santana would take the hint, though she wasn't really willing to leave that to chance. "Now, why don't you come up and tell me all about it?"

"So...wait." Hannah interjected as Santana placed a hand on one of the ladder rungs, stilling her friend in place for the moment as Santana sent a minor glare the girl's way. "You and Berry are...legit? Like, you two..."

Rachel could practically see Santana freezing up, and piped up to take control of the situation. "Our relationship is, honestly, our business alone. When you had that boy over midway through last week, you asked me to stay out of it." Rachel stated, hoping she didn't need to spell it out to Hannah that she expected the same respect that she'd provided the girl days ago.

"Yeah...Rachel's been stuck at this camp, and while texting and calling and Skyping's great and all, it's not THAT great. So if you don't mind, we'd like some private time." Santana added, pushing through a moment of initial hesitation to utilize that familiar confident snark.

"Right, sorry. Well, um...I'll be in my bunk." Hannah mumbled, before settling into the bed beneath Rachel's, which certainly gave the girl prime listening opportunities. Which, in turn, complicated Santana's visit a little bit.

Still, Santana gamely made her way up to Rachel's bunk and guided them both down onto the mattress, side by side, face to face. "Best birthday ever, Tink." Santana spoke warmly, perhaps a little louder than necessary, which clued Rachel into the acting opportunity thrust upon them for the moment, and that maybe it wasn't Santana's birthday after all. Because really, they were close enough friends for her to have been given some advance notice, Rachel figured. Santana seemed the type to prefer gifts.

She could see Santana coiled up at her side, mere inches away, waiting for permission. Which was granted as Rachel pulled Santana closer, more than happy to cuddle and embrace the girl, burying her face in San's neck and taking comfort in her familiar scent.

"So, if she thinks we're...well, you know...how do you want to handle this?" Santana whispered in her ear, Rachel feeling the girl's legs entwining with her own. Despite the odd situation, she couldn't help but smile at how safe Santana made her feel.

"I'm not sure, I haven't done anything like this before. I'm sorry for pulling you into this, I know...I know we talked about discussing what's between us when I get back, and I think it'd be best to leave that talk for then, but...for now..." Rachel rambled quietly, knowing exactly what her body wanted, and what her heart wanted, conflicted with what was probably the smart play. "For now, maybe we just enjoy being close? I kind of need you close."

Santana just leaned back enough to touch their foreheads together, smiling brightly and looking so relaxed and happy with her eyes closed. "I'm definitely up for that. And you don't have to thank me for coming here, mi estrella. I know you can handle yourself, Rachel, but I'm always up for keeping you company and keeping you safe. Gots ta keep my Tink happy."

Rachel let out a giggle at Santana's atrocious slang. "I can't _believe_ you dipped into your Lima Heights Adjacent-speak earlier. You're so ridiculous, you know?" She noted with a grin, leaning ever so slightly forward to press a kiss to Santana's cheek to show her appreciation. "I'm just happy Hannah saw you come to my defense. She's been bugging me about the idea that you're just using me, no matter what I've told her, so maybe she'll back off, now."

That, apparently, was enough for Santana's eyes to snap open, a clear challenge swirling around in those wonderfully deep arrays of brown. Rachel could practically see the cogs in Santana's brain spinning wildly, jaw setting in clear annoyance for a moment before the girl's expression evened out into a tiny, devious smile.

Santana's nose nuzzled up her cheek as the girl's body writhed beside her, coming much more into contact with her duvet than her body, but it certainly made it sound as if something active was going on with them. It was a little predictable, and maybe she rolled her eyes, but she was hardly about to complain about Santana putting on a play about being attracted to her. Especially knowing the reality that Santana WAS attracted to her.

"God, I've waited so long just to _feel_ you, Rach." Santana practically moaned, and the dramatics were a little too much for her not to at least giggle at. Because while the ten days apart had truly been difficult to manage, she hadn't quite reached such a point of desperation where she needed to be so vocal about it. Though, perhaps she pulled Santana closer so that writhing body could at least make contact with her own; after all, Santana's act was a tiny bit alluring even if it was ridiculous. "Hey, don't laugh, I'm a physical person, I needs my hand on some curve often enough or I get all mopey."

Rachel just laughed harder and pressed a kiss to Santana's nose. "You're ridiculous, you know that? How have you managed this long? You always seemed happy enough on Skype."

"Well, afterwards, usually I put on one of your top performances... _'Don't Rain on My Parade'_ is a classic...I'll set up in bed, close my eyes, and think of you as I slooooowly drift my hand down..." Santana started with a teasing smile, and it was all Rachel could do to just smack Santana's shoulder and drown out her words with laughter.

"Oh, stop it! We're not alone, you can't just say those things!" Rachel chided her between laughs, but judging by Santana's cheeky grin, her friend wasn't feeling the least bit guilty. "So, are you a happy birthday girl, tonight?"

Santana's hum in the affirmative was all the answer she needed from that as Santana burrowed closer to her, the girl lifting Rachel's nearest hand to her lips for a soft kiss. Maybe it had her blushing, just maybe. "Wish you weren't stuck in this camp, so I could take you out."

"Usually it's the birthday girl who gets ferried around to a nice dinner." Rachel contested lightly, wondering what Santana was getting at.

"Well, I operate on the logic of _'It's my party and I'll cry if I want to'_. So if I want to take my girl out to go swimming, maybe have a romantic lakeside dinner, I would. But you're stuck _here_." Santana explained, and alright, that all sounded quite wonderful, but it only took a moment or two for her to clue in to the motives behind it all.

"It gets cold by the water at night." Rachel said, putting that basic fact out there and earning an amused hum in response, which only had her smiling with her minor deductive victory. "You'd expect me to keep you warm, wouldn't you?"

Santana just laughed and snuggled closer. "Uh, duh, I'm the birthday girl. Keep up, Tink."

"And what if _I_ get cold?" Rachel asked, burying her face in Santana's hair and grazing a calf up Santana's mostly bare shorts-clad legs.

"Nothin' a little macking or cuddling can't fix. You know I've got your back." Santana murmured before stilling entirely. "Wait, nope, not yet I don't." The girl added before rolling Rachel onto her side and spooning her from behind, a rather comfy position she was hardly about to contest, even if it meant not being able to look her closest friend in the eyes. Simply put, having Santana's arms around her felt a little too wonderful to oppose.

"I missed you, San." She let out, not able to keep the words in any longer. Rachel knew it went against the playful mood Santana had fostered between them, but it was something that had been bubbling around inside of her since she saw Santana in the doorway, and she had to set those words free.

"Awww, I missed my BooBerry, too!" Santana giggled, punctuating her words with a sloppy kiss to her temple, but even that didn't calm her racing heart from the fact that Santana had made her declaration rather audibly. In particular, the pet name.

"That's such a _ridiculous_ nickname, and you know it! Can't I finally have another one?" Rachel pleaded with a well-deserved huff.

Santana, of course, let out a sharp gasp, as if she'd been hurt. Of course. "You really don't wanna be my _boo_? It's a cute pet name."

"BooBerry isn't a cute _pet name_ , it's a _cereal_ , Santana." She asserted, feeling blood rush to her cheeks at the hardly muffled laughter from the bunk beneath her. Just _great_. Enduring the next four days of Hannah teasing her over that wouldn't be annoying _at_ _all_.

"Hey, boo is, like, a form of 'beau', which means beautiful, and it's used to refer to people's girlfriends, their baes, the people they adore and shit." Santana clearly tried to justify her use of the term, but it was hard to take her seriously when the girl was on the verge of hysterical laughter.

"I would readily accept less embarrassing terms like sweetheart, or babe, or those lovely Spanish words, or god forbid my first name or a shortened version of it popping up more often instead." Rachel insisted, drawing another laugh from Santana, who clearly found the whole ordeal endlessly amusing. If she had a time machine, she most certainly would have gone back to that day at her house and hid her father's cereal stash away.

"Where's the fun in that? Would 'shorty' suffice?" Santana asked, body shaking with barely restrained laughter, knowing full well that it most certainly wouldn't suffice. Apparently, given another round of muffled laughter beneath her, Hannah knew as much and was definitely on Santana's side in this.

"I'm not that short! I'm five foot two, which is technically in the bottom quarter of the five foot range, and perhaps a few inches shorter than the average, but certainly not an outlier." Rachel ranted, even if she knew that Santana knew her stance on matters of height, and was just teasing her a little bit. It was hard sometimes to keep from letting out some of that frustration at times, given how long she'd been teased over it.

"Pshh, never. But you're cute when you use all those words of yours, and you're cute because you're short, and I wouldn't change either part of you if I could." Santana spoke softly, offering a reassuring smile that let her know that the girl might have clued in to the fact that she hadn't entirely been playing with the rant about her height. That maybe this was the full truth from Santana, as well.

"I thought my rambling annoyed you, though." Rachel mumbled, biting her lip as she tightened Santana's arms around her midsection, as if the physical security San could offer could dissipate her insecurities.

"Eh, it used to, sometimes, but most of the time I'd just be stuck staring at your lips." Santana admitted, forcing Rachel's eyebrows to her hairline in surprise.

"Santana!" She stage-whispered, unsure if that train of discussion would be appropriate, given their respective positions, and the amount of time left together, and the fact that they'd decided to put talks off until after camp.

"Hey, you can't blame me. Your lips are perfect, that's all I'm saying, here." Santana shot back with a laugh, nose trailing gently up Rachel's neck and casting her whole body in goosebumps in the process.

"You...you did _not_ stare at my lips all the time." Rachel contested, because it just didn't seem possible. She would have noticed that, surely. Perhaps she wasn't always the most aware, but certainly she would have noticed _that_.

"Boo, every day in Glee, I'd watch you for a bit. I know you'd never look my way aside from a passing glance, or maybe a glare while we were in the risers. But when we'd get up to perform and let loose...and you'd be laughing and singing and dancing your heart out...sometimes you'd look my way. And I'd always make sure I was smiling at you, because it was the only way I knew to get one from you. So yeah, I would stare at your lips all the time." Santana's words left Rachel silent, unsure how to respond, so she turned in her friend's arms until they were face to face, only seeing honesty in those deep mocha eyes.

Not that it all sounded farfetched; Rachel would often meet Santana's smile with her own during those moments in Glee, happy to see the usually gruff and surly cheerleader happier and enjoying herself. It was a big reason why she'd believed in Santana at sectionals in sophomore year, the girl always seemed happy and free while dancing and singing with everyone, as if she'd let go of all the status and popularity, and just let herself be.

And that freedom had always looked good on Santana, so Rachel ducked her head and nodded against her friend. "I can't stop smiling now whenever I see you, even if I'm just thinking of you, so you don't need to worry about that anymore."

A soft press of lips to her neck accompanied Santana curling up closer to her, rolling Rachel onto her back as San settled in halfway on top of her, hand rising to clutch lightly at her neckline.

"Hey, you're not allowed to fall asleep, it's your birthday." She teased with a grin, poking at one of Santana's particularly ticklish spots, causing the girl to squirm a bit.

"I was born around seven at night, it can carry into tomorrow." Santana asserted tiredly, yawning into Rachel's collarbone as Rachel fought off laughter.

"It doesn't work that way, you goofball. And how am I supposed to have fun with you, if you're so set on snoozing?" She asked, angling her head up to kiss the crown of Santana's head.

"Not my fault you're the coziest human-slash-furnace cyborg in the world. Lying next to you gives me a better shot at stayin' awake than if you were draped over me like a blanket. You know, I think I'd be done for, then." Santana rambled in sloppy, sleepy syllables, cheek nuzzling against her collarbone as a leg draped over both of Rachel's.

"I'll keep that in mind." Rachel shot back with a grin, eyes rolling at Santana's dramatics. _And here I thought I was the diva between us both._ "Well, since you're trying to stay awake, tell me, how are Brittany and Quinn doing?"

"Britt's off being a tourist, I'm sure she's having Fun. Lucy Q's a different story...she's having a hard time, but we're working through it. She's coming over tomorrow so she can tell me what's going on. On the plus side, I get to dye her hair." Santana answered with a happy hum, nestling impossibly closer, as if she could absorb Rachel's body heat.

The simple notion of Quinn dyeing her hair had Rachel's eyes practically popping out of her head. It seemed absolutely impossible for the queen bee of the Cheerios to give up on her signature blonde locks, even for a brief moment. Still, that Quinn trusted Santana enough to be that vulnerable was huge, even she could see that.

"I'm glad you're there for her, and that she's letting you in. That's really great, San." Rachel said, running a free hand up and down San's back, just happy to have her friend close. It'd been such a ridiculous day, so to have even a moment with Santana was a gift. To have until curfew with her was a blessing.

"Mmhmm, I'm sorta anxious, but I think it'll be good, tomorrow. Either way, I know when dinner time comes around, my dad's going to have another vegan recipe ready to try out. It's the worst, Rach. The _worst_." Santana noted with a groan, which was almost a little insulting until she remembered Santana liked her fathers' burgers last time.

"Let me guess, he's experimenting." Rachel offered, earning a pitiful moan from the girl on top of her, who lightly beat her fist against the mattress in protest.

"He wants you to come over for dinner, and he won't stop pestering me about it, not like I can do anything about that with you here, you know? But every night he's been home for the past week, it's been vegan experiments. Like...it's been mediocre once, and the rest...terrible. Hellish. Dios mio, mi querida, I spent one evening hovering over a toilet! He refuses to look up actual recipes, and just insists on _improvising_." Santana complained with such sad devastation, which Rachel could maybe find merit in. Some materials in vegan recipes were tricky and required a deft touch and a firm understanding. Improvising seemed to be too stubborn of an approach for her to think it'd be successful.

"Poor baby. Your life must be so difficult." Rachel teased, pressing her lips to Santana's crown as her friend let out a heavy sigh.

"It really is. You gotta stop him, he won't listen to me. Please, babe, he'll listen to you. Rachel, please." Santana pleaded, an unexpected turn of events that had laughter bubbling out of her. "Hey, you gotta be nice to me, I'm having you over for dinner! I'm looking after our health!"

Rachel just held onto her favourite girl and let herself laugh at Santana's ridiculous predicament. How bad could her father's experiments be for San to be so full of woe, after all?

"Okay, okay, I'll call him after you leave. To appease his pride, I'll volunteer a dish I love, and offer to prepare it with you both. Make it sound important to me that we do this all together, okay?" Rachel offered in appeasement, drawing an immediate nod against her neck.

"God, if it means I'll be able to eat something edible, let alone tasty, yeah I'll help. You're a life saver, Rach." Santana cooed, giving her a squeeze and planting a gentle kiss to her shoulder. "You know, when dinner's over, there's always that hammock in my back yard we can hang out in."

Rachel almost managed to get a few words out before the realization struck her. "Hammock. Hang out. Baby, you used a pun."

"Noooooooooo nonononono..." Santana let out frantically, trying to unlatch herself and move away, but Rachel held firm, cackling at Santana's sheer hatred of puns. "I'll never join the dark side! You'll never turn me!"

"Only sith deal in absolutes, Santana." Rachel teased, earning another agonized groan from the girl atop her, who eventually slumped down against her in defeat.

"Ugh. For that, I'm passing along Britt's request that you record Lord Tubbington a lullaby for his birthday, purely in a cat voice." Santana grumbled, sending Rachel's brain for a loop as to why Brittany would ask her of all people, or why it had to be in cat sounds.

It took a few moments to wrap her head around the request, honestly. "I...suppose I could try, since it's his birthday...I guess."

"Cool. Now, enough about my side of shit, tell me about the non-crap parts of your day so far." Santana requested, which after a difficult day with a few considerable lows, it'd be nice to safely discuss the highs.

And so she spoke, admittedly rambling on about her leaps and bounds of progress in dance class during her latest trial run for her performance, how she'd absolutely nailed her solo on top of taking interesting creative turns in her assigned duet project. Santana was responsive to every sentence, every burst of enthusiasm met with words of encouragement, or a gentle squeeze, or a happy hum, or a kiss to her shoulder. Always listening, and even when she spoke at mach speed, the girl managed to parrot back an accomplishment or point or happy moment and express her happiness at Rachel's joy.

She'd never really had anyone who could keep up, who was happy to listen. She hadn't even been trying to slow herself down, or limit her vocabulary, or anything of the sort like she had with Finn and Jesse.

 _I already trust her...I guess I didn't realize how much, but...she's honestly rewarding it..._ Rachel mused to herself, just finishing her tale from her theater workshop when Santana's phone's alarm went off.

"Ugh, five minutes left, Tink. Guess we should make it count, or whatever." Santana mumbled, her words not quite matching her actions, what with Santana just holding on tighter, cheek resting atop her shoulder.

Feeling a little needy, not wanting their time to run out quite yet, Rachel pushed for a bit more of the wonderful normalcy she'd been enjoying. "So tell me, birthday girl, did you want to do anything special for your big day?"

"Mmmmmnope. Just wanted you." Santana answered in a tired mumble, an answer that had Rachel blushing against her will, given the potential innuendo.

"You... _Santana_." Rachel stammered out, feeling hopeful, and confused, and concerned, and relieved all at the same time, which was all a bit tumultuous for her liking.

"Easy, not like that. Just like this. I wanted to be with you, that's all." Santana clarified, which honestly warmed her heart. Sure, she knew Santana likely drove two hours to make sure she was okay and safe and comforted, but that San was so content just existing with her, sharing space with her, that was huge.

"It isn't really your birthday, though, is it?" Rachel whispered, earning a slight shake of the head, Santana's nose tickling the tender skin of her neck.

"Nope, it was a few months back, but it doesn't change my answer for what I wanted to do today. Just so you know. It was just an easy way to get in to see you. Say I hadn't heard about the change in policy, complain about driving two hours on my birthday to see my girl...they were putty in my hands. Well, Chris was. The guards, not so much." Santana noted quietly before sluggishly lifting up off of her. "Guess I gotta get moving."

Rachel felt her lower lip quivering at the loss of Santana's comfortable weight, at the sadness in her best friend's eyes. She wanted to reach out for San's hand and hold tight, but she knew Santana would have to leave. Suddenly, the next four days felt like forever.

"I suppose so. I'll see you out, okay?" Rachel asked, earning a solemn nod from Santana, who was the first down the ladder.

She followed her best friend to the door and stepped within a foot or three of Santana's space when the girl stopped, hand on the handle. Gently, she prodded at San's shoulders, turning her around, revealing a girl who was trying not to look nervous or sad, but was failing by Rachel's metrics. _Right...Hannah thinks we're girlfriends, and...and if we do anything actually visible, actually explicitly romantic...then Santana will have come out for the first time. For me this would just be acting, I don't care about that particular closet, but for her..._

It was suddenly as if the air had gotten tremendously thicker as that realization sunk in, her eyes darting up to meet Santana's in silent question. Santana bit her lip, teeth rolling across the slightly swollen flesh before a flash of determination shone across those deep brown eyes. She'd only rarely seen Santana nervous, but never like this, never both stiff and quivering from worry, even as those beautiful eyes shone with courage.

Santana had never been more beautiful, Rachel was certain of that.

At her nod, Rachel took the girl's hand and tugged her closer, forcing them to be up close and personal. "Come here, you big goofball." Rachel cooed, reaching up with her other hand to tuck a few locks of hair behind Santana's ear, before going up on her tippy toes to press a chaste kiss to her fiercely beautiful girl's lips, pressing in just enough for San to reciprocate. To make it real, because even if they weren't together, even if they still had a long talk ahead of them, and issues to work through, in that moment, Santana was with _her_. She was kissing _her_. The tremble in that beautiful lower lip was from _her_. The yearning in how Santana's entire body pressed into hers was from _her_.

In all other moments, it was different, but in that span between heartbeats, chest to chest, lips meeting with such simple tenderness, Santana was hers.

She could feel her heart wrench as she leaned back out of it, knowing that moment was gone, but the feel of Santana's arms wrapping around her waist, keeping her close, nose nuzzling against hers, San's hitched breath as much of a vocalized plea as the girl seemed to be able to muster, it all had Rachel thinking that maybe she really did have a girl waiting for her back home.

And as scary and overwhelming as that felt, it was Santana. And so when she tilted her head forward to capture her best friend's lips again in another chaste kiss, she let herself cling to the girl's shoulder, she let herself squeeze the hand she was holding, she let herself pour her passion and the serenity San gave her back into the kiss, hoping Santana would feel it. That she would understand.

"I'll be home in a few days." Rachel whispered, once she remembered that curfew was either coming up or had recently passed. When she opened her eyes, she couldn't help but lift her hand to catch the stray tear rolling down San's cheek, though the girl just stared wondrously at her, as if she hadn't noticed. "I'll miss you."

Those three words seemed to break Santana from her stupor, her best friend letting go of her hand to wrap her in a tight hug. "I'll miss my BooBerry, too." Santana practically announced, though the clear attempt at distraction wasn't enough to make the wetness of her voice any less emotional.

Still, the whole ordeal had her letting out her own wet laugh as she melted into Santana's embrace. "Stop calling me that." She demanded weakly, knowing it would never grow on her, but that it was a part of something special now, like it or not.

"It got you smiling and laughing. Didn't have the heart to leave you feeling sad." Santana noted sadly, and while it was definitely true for her, Rachel's gut had her feeling Santana also needed to smile and laugh to cover up her other less secure emotions.

Before Rachel could respond, Santana stepped away and pulled a folded piece of paper from her pocket, hesitantly handing it to Rachel. "Read it as I say goodbye?"

Rachel could only nod at the request, though when she unfolded it, she couldn't help but laugh at the sight of actual cat sound lyrics, penned by Brittany S Pierce herself.

Her bout of laughter was apparently distraction enough for Santana to step closer, pressing a tender kiss to her temple as laugh after laugh bubbled out of her. "Goodnight, Rachel."

And with that, Santana backed away towards the doorway, head tilted down and biting her lip, but thankfully more than attentive enough to catch the kiss Rachel managed to blow her way through her laughter. With a thoroughly warmed heart, and entirely full of pride for Santana's courage, she watched her best friend head out, waiting at the doorway until she was out of sight.

The sigh that escaped her couldn't possibly capture the magnitude of what she was feeling, especially since she herself wasn't entirely sure of everything she was feeling, but it at the very least provided some relief. At least, until she turned around and remembered that Hannah was there, and likely had been watching the whole time.

Rachel pocketed Brittany's lyrics, shaking her head at their absurdity, and headed back towards her bed, wanting to get a hold of San's dad about dinner plans, and maybe to bask in the joy of the last hour via some well-curated music.

She had a foot on the first rung of the ladder when she heard Hannah call out to her quietly. "Rachel?"

Cautiously, she spared a glance into the dimly lit lower bunk, quickly finding her roommate. The same one who had been doubting Santana this whole time. "Yes?" She asked, perhaps letting a little of the tension built up over the past week into that single word.

"You two...you're pretty cute together." Hannah admitted with a small smile, honestly stunning Rachel with the admission.

She'd expected another series of doubts, of claims that Santana would take advantage of her. Not Hannah telling her they were cute. Rachel was sure that Santana would bristle at the description.

"Thank you. Santana's a little intense, but she's kind of amazing." Rachel stated, suddenly unsure how to talk about Santana with her roommate, now that her best friend had apparently won Hannah's approval.

"You're both kind of crazy, but you just...you seem to fit. I'm sorry I doubted you." Her roommate noted, the apology more than what she'd honestly expected.

"I appreciate that, Hannah." She said in return. Figuring their little conversation was about over, Rachel took another step up her ladder, only to be interrupted by the quick words of her roommate again.

"How do you usually ask other girls out?" The question felt like a blitz attack in how quickly it came out, and how utterly unexpected it was. Hannah could apparently sense her confusion, as words kept spilling out of her. "You see, you were so fucking smooth back there, and you're both so cute, and my boyfriend broke up with e two days ago, and there's this girl from my chem class that I've been crushing on for months, and I...I've never asked a girl out before."

Rachel descended the ladder and plopped herself down beside her halfway frantic roommate. "Do you know if she's interested in women, too?"

Hannah nodded fervently. "Yeah, she's out. It's just...we run in different circles. She's kind of a nerd with her debate and STEM clubs, and I'm...well, I've been climbing the social ladder, and I'm on the soccer team."

The contrast was interesting enough, certainly more pronounced and her and Santana's. "I'm no love guru, Hannah, but it's not a complicated process. Eventually, you have to be direct and talk to her. Maybe leave her a note in her locker, to meet somewhere comfortable and neutral for her?"

"Oh, man, I can't..." Hannah let out, cringing pretty hard at whatever was floating through her mind. "I don't think I could handle one on one, I'd be too nervous. How would I even talk to her, what would I say?"

Rachel shrugged. "Well, I like jokes or an impromptu song as an ice-breaker, but I know that doesn't work for everyone. Santana hates my puns, for instance. But if you like this girl...and you know her interests well enough...just show interest in her. Show that you want to get to know her, be open and genuine. I'm sure if she sees you're legitimately interested in her, then you'll have better odds."

Hannah nodded along and let out a heavy sigh. "Like, I've told people I'm bi, you know? But I think they might not believe me until they see it, which maybe means I'll be coming out again, in a way. And that's...how'd you handle it?"

Rachel couldn't help the laugh that escaped her. "I...we haven't. Today...that was it for us. We'd never been public before." Rachel admitted, feeling she could at least trust Hannah to a fair extent, given everything. "I'm not out at school, neither is she. It took a lot of courage for her to come see me today, and do what she did openly. I grew up with gay fathers, so the closet's never really been anything I could truly take much comfort in regarding my bisexuality, but her family's a lot more religious. Our school is very openly homophobic to the point where a friend of mine had to leave because of violence and death threats. She has people she wants to protect, and being out could affect that. But she fought her nerves, and she may have needed some distractions, and she may have been a little awkward, but I didn't care, because she _cares_ about _me_. She likes me, and I like her, and so those nerves don't matter. I truly believe this girl won't mind if you stumble around a bit. Being visibly out could change things for you...but if she's worth it, she's worth it."

Hannah held her gaze for a long few seconds before letting out a relieved breath. "Strange pep talk, but...I kinda feel like maybe I could do this. I'm...I'm pretty sure she likes coffee. I had her number from a group project last year...do you think asking her out for a coffee could work?"

Rachel smiled at the enthusiasm shining in Hannah's eyes, happy to see someone else basking in the potential of something more. "I think that could be a good plan." She stated, nudging shoulders with her roommate before shifting off the bed. "Anyway, I have a phone call to make. Let me know if you need anything, though, alright?"

At Hannah's nod, Rachel went back up to her bed and settled into her duvet, feeling more comforted than usual by the thought of it being from Santana. Not wanting to waste any time, she picked up her phone and looked through her contact list.

She could, at the very least, free Santana from her father's experiments once and for all, so that her best friend could have something to be happy and hopeful about when she returned home.

She wanted Santana to fall asleep with a smile on her face, like Rachel knew she personally would. Maybe a few more days wouldn't be so long with her memories to keep her company.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, so this took some editing and a bit of reworking, but it's finally out! Yay! And on my 4th anniversary of writing fan fiction!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this one, it was a bit front loaded with heaviness, with a fluffy tail end to hopefully make up for any sadness.
> 
> Anywho, thanks for reading! And thanks for a great four years :D


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